Circling the globe to bring you the best in butt-clenching celebrity gossip, it's One Day at a Time--the tabloid whore's friend. Today's top query: Why, oh, WHY won't Britney Spears retire? After clearly promising to take at least a couple of years off from the rigors of being a billionaire celebrity, she's already broken her promise, and is now planning on--brace yourselves, folks--turning hubby Kevin Federline into a hiphop rap star. Inside sources say Britney is under the horrifying impression that her Vanilla Ice-ish spouse has a "smooth vocal style" which is sure to be a "hit with hiphop fans." According to one tattletale, "Britney wants him to come out as a rapper--she says he can "flow.'" Hey Britney, diarrhea "flows" too--but nobody's giving it a record contract. Meanwhile… Aren't you tired of the way albinos are portrayed in the movies? US, TOO! And this is exactly why director and former Opie, Ron Howard is being besieged by the albino community over the portrayal of the villain in his upcoming film The Da Vinci Code. The National Organization for Albinism and Hypopigmentation (NOAH) has asked Howard not to portray the book's villain as a red-eyed psychopath. "Most often in people with albinism the eyes are light blue or even hazel," corrected NOAH president Mike McGowan. "Ron Howard can make a big difference by adjusting the character to not be an evil albino." Fine for you to say… but what about the evil red-eyed albino community? Sure, they kill puppies and caused Christopher Reeve to be paralyzed, but they want to be in a Ron Howard movie, too!
TUESDAY, JANUARY 4
More hee-larious hi-jinx from those darned Simpson sisters! According to teenhollywood.com, slightly spastic pop diva Jessica Simpson got her recommended daily supply of spinach at a restaurant today, when a steaming hot plate of the creamy green goop was dumped all over her new dress. Naturally everyone laughed, including some of the wait staff--but not for long! Hubby/walking meatloaf Nick Lachey stomped over to the manager and squealed, "I want those [bleeps] to apologize to my wife!" You know, we really hate it when gossip sites use "bleeps" instead of the actual words. Now we're forced to imagine what Nick called the wait staff--which we can only assume was "evil red-eyed albinos." Meanwhile… Why do we take so much delight in Ashlee Simpson's failures? We don't know! BUT WE DO! After her extremely embarrassing Saturday Night Live lip-synching debacle (which she later blamed on "acid reflux disease"), Ashlee jumped back on the metaphorical horse tonight, and performed at the Orange Bowl half-time show in front of 72,000 people--71,876 of whom booed her off the stage. (We're assuming the other 124 people were in the bathroom at the time.) Though there were obvious technical problems, it didn't stop Ashlee from howling her way through her hit single "La La" in a manner that was decidedly off-key. Afterwards, the crowd was booing so loudly they couldn't even hear the excuse she gave for singing so badly--which this time around was "adult onset diabetes." Get well soon, Ash!
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5
Surprise! More bad news from Iraq! After a particularly bloody couple of days where the governor of Baghdad was assassinated along with six of his bodyguards, another attack left 10 Iraqi commandos and five Americans dead, plus those 16 people killed by car bombs on Monday, you can best believe the Iraqi citizenry feel absolutely confident that their January 30th elections are going to go off without a hitch. However, U.S. General Erv Lessel, who's the deputy chief of staff for strategic communications in Iraq, isn't so sure. "I think the worst case is where [the election sites] suffer a series of horrific attacks that cause mass casualties in some spectacular fashion," the General optimistically noted. But what the General failed to mention was "the best case scenario," in which the country holds peaceful honest elections, their cities are rebuilt to be even more beautiful than before, and cute little rainbow monkeys with sapphire teeth fly out of everyone's bottoms and begin worshipping a giant pink unicorn in the sky… wait. Wait, wait--oh, god. We think our acid is kicking in. We need a break.
THURSDAY, JANUARY 6
Okay… we're better now. And just in case you were wondering, yes, it's official: George W. Bush is our President for another four… long… years. Today Congress sealed the deal after select Democrats made a last ditch effort to cast doubt on the election by forcing a debate over shady voting practices in Ohio. While the Democrats were hoping the debate would at least bring some attention to polling irregularities in Ohio, including missing voting machines and unusually long lines in minority districts--well… it didn't. As usual, the Republicans shot down the debate in their regular modest, and humble fashion. Said Florida Republican representative Ric Keller, "There's a wise saying we've used in Florida the past four years that the other side would be wise to learn: Get over it." Well put. You know, that reminds us of a similar proverb our old and wizened grandmother used to say, and we'd like to share it with Representative Keller: Eat our ass, you fat ugly prick.
FRIDAY, JANUARY 7
Does the idea of eating a blender full of pureed rats make you want to puke? That is SO crazy, because it makes a fellow named Austin Aitken want to puke, too! You and Austin have SO much in common! Are you a 49-year-old paralegal? SHUT UP! SO IS AUSTIN AITKEN! Like you, Austin is also very, very sensitive. So sensitive that when he was forced to watch contestants slurp down a rat smoothie on Fear Factor (he tried to change the channel--but it all happened too quickly!!! Damn those old batteries in that remote!), he vomited. Now he's suing NBC for $2.5 million, but Austin is no reality TV pansy. He says that he regularly watches Fear Factor and has never barfed in the past. Plus, if the incident had merely resulted in losing his lunch, he might have let it go, but as Aitken's handwritten lawsuit contends, not only did he vomit, but he ran into a doorway in the throes of nausea-disorientation. Now YOU would never do that.
SATURDAY, JANUARY 8
You are never going to believe this, but it turns out that the whole oil-for-food business may have been just the tiniest bit corrupt. Internal audits conducted by the United Nations have revealed lapses in U.N. oversight that allowed contractors to overcharge by hundreds of thousands of dollars. Less than honest government contractors? It's a shame to see such a trusted and respected profession besmirched so. One audit reportedly found that the UN was billed over several years for 31 days of work in June. June only has 30 days. Doh! We know that Kofi Annan is a big humanitarian and all that, but really, deep down, when stuff like this happens, he must think that we are all a bunch of jerks.
SUNDAY, JANUARY 9
In a story sure to cause great emotional distress to Austin Aitken, CNN reported today that rats can and do listen to and record everything we say. Or at least they can tell the difference between Dutch and Japanese. A Spanish study trained 64 adult male rats to respond to either Dutch or Japanese using food as reward. Then they were separated into four groups--one that heard each language spoken by a native, one that heard synthesized speech, one that heard sentences read in either language by different speakers, and a fourth that heard the languages played backwards. Rats rewarded for responding to Japanese did not respond to Dutch and rats trained to recognize Dutch did not respond to the spoken Japanese. Researchers also found that rats trained in Dutch amassed dozens of pairs of tiny wooden shoes, while rats trained in Japanese died their hair pink, wore platform boots, and responded to text messaging. Rats put in a blender pretty much just screamed incoherently.