MONDAY, JANUARY 31

There's a fine line that divides the celebrities who are worthy of One Day's attention, and those who are not. For example, Tara Reid? On the "not" side. The Beckhams? Not. Kelsey Grammar? Not. But sometimes a delicious personal tragedy can whisk these B-listers from the slush pile of "Nots" into the cushy realm of "Hots." And such is the case this week for former partial nobodies Kate Bosworth (Blue Crush) and Orlando Bloom (Lord of the Rings, and the walls of most 13-year-old girls). Why the sudden popularity leap? Like Aniston and Pitt, these two beautiful Hollywood lovebirds are officially on the skids. Yay! Your heartbreak makes you worthy of our attention! Just to catch you up, the formerly torrid twosome have been seriously dating for three years, ever since meeting on a GAP commercial (Wow! That's where we met our hubby Kip!). However, according to World Entertainment News, Bloom has brushed aside Bos, because their hectic filming schedules were keeping the two apart, and poor widdle Orlando was getting sooooo lonely. UNTRUE, scowls Britain's Daily Star! According to this Limey tabloid, it was Bos who gave Bloom the brush-off, because she was fed-up with his drunken nights out with the boys. Not only was she completely ignored at the Golden Globes by Orlando, who chose to talk to the far more attractive Johnny Depp, the thoughtless cad then had the nerve to go on an all night bender with fellow drunken Lord of the Ringer Sean Bean! And so, Big "O" got the heave-ho. But on the upside, both have now graduated to One Day at a Time, where their acting careers will take backseat to stories about their drug addictions, car wrecks, miscarriages, and recently discovered homemade porn flicks. Congrats, you crazy kids! Meanwhile… Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton fainted today while giving a speech on Social Security. "It wasn't as dramatic as it sounds," Clinton said. Oh… Well, in that case… moving on…

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 1

Today a group of Iraqi militants threatened to decapitate an American soldier--to which America replied, "Well, since your hostage is obviously a G.I. Joe doll, why don't you go ahead and knock yourself out." The picture of the doll, with an obviously fake doll gun pointed at its obviously fake plastic head, was posted on a militant Iraqi website with the warning, "Our mujahedeen heroes were able to capture American military man John Adam [what they named their doll… too cute!] after killing a number of his comrades. God willing, we will behead him if our female and male prisoners are not released from U.S. prisons within the maximum period of 72 hours." Unfortunately for the terrorists, "John Adam" was quickly identified by a toy maker as its "Cody" soldier action figure. Cruelly, the American government, who refuse to deal with terrorists (especially those holding plastic hostages), let Cody's final hours on this earth elapse without taking any action at all, which can only mean one thing; another lonely service wife (this time, Barbie) will be crying herself to sleep tonight (in her Malibu Dream House).

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2

Yippee, it's Groundhog Day. Besides giving federal employees another day off, it's the day when Punxsutawney Phil the groundhog crawls out of his stump in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, and makes his yearly predictions, which we will happily reprint here for your enjoyment. Prediction #1: Seeing his shadow means six more weeks of frigid wintry weather. Prediction #2: President Bush's plan to reform Social Security is a big pile of shit, and no matter what he says, no one is going to support it--not even Donald Rumsfeld. Prediction #3: Bush's plan to reform Social Security is actually a smokescreen to make sure his real pet project whizzes through congress; receiving an extra $80 billion for defense, even though the United States is currently spending more than $1 billion per week in Iraq. Prediction #4: Michael Jackson will be judged guilty of ALL crimes including the Holocaust. And Prediction #5: Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth will patch their relationship up, and never be mentioned in One Day at a Time again.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 3

Oh, what heartbreak can do to a woman. Poor, poor Jennifer Aniston--though her doomed marriage to Brad Pitt was destined to end in tragedy, one would at least hope she could emerge from the mire with head held high. Instead, there's more than a good chance she's gone freaking bonkers. According to World Entertainment News, this former somebody is a complete and expected utter wreck after being dumped by the most gorgeous man in the history of humankind--but she's intent on making the best of it, drawing strength from her "girlfriends." Listen, and shake your head in sad and pathetic wonderment. The over-the-hill and now un-marry-able 35-year-old says, "There are times when you look in the mirror and go, "Okay… we're having a good day.' Do you know when I feel inwardly beautiful? When I am with my girlfriends and we are having a "goddess circle.' The most beautiful I have ever felt is when I am surrounded by a group of women and we are having a wonderful evening celebrating women." For the love of God, will somebody throw the girl a line?? She's going down with the ship!

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 4

You know that we are 100 percent behind your decision to donate your body to science. Someone has to provide those "how does anyone get so impossibly attractive?" studies with specimens. However, you should be aware there have been some issues regarding the proper care of donated corpses. In 1996, donors' families sued UCLA, alleging the school had illegally disposed of thousands of bodies by cremating them along with dead lab animals and fetuses and then putting them out with the trash along with Ramen noodles, bong resin, and other graduate student leavings. Then, in 1999, the director of the UC Irvine program was fired after being accused of selling--wait for it--spines to a Phoenix hospital. UCI is also accused of losing hundreds of willed bodies. But don't you fret! According to the Associated Press today, University of California officials have come up with a foolproof solution! They want to insert barcodes or radio frequency devices into all their cadavers. That way the bodies can be tracked. They will also be easier to sell on the black market, as criminal middlemen can now be replaced with automated checkout scanners.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 5

In a strike against do-gooders everywhere, The New York Times reported today that two teenage girls have been ordered to pay a $900 settlement after startling a neighbor. The neighbor, a 49-year-old woman, became agitated after the girls knocked on her door and then ran away. Fearful of the "shadowy figures" at her door, the woman developed an upset stomach and went to the hospital the next morning. She apparently did not see the homemade cookies the teenagers had baked and left outside her door as a surprise. We're just glad this social problem is finally being addressed, and we only hope these two teen hooligans are sent to one of those Mexican lockdown boot camps where they can't harm anyone with their sugary treats again.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 6

The Pope surprised the world this week by not dying. Bolstered by his alive-ness, the Pope even gave a blessing from his hospital window today in which, despite his frail appearance, he reiterated his commitment to the tall hat. The Pope's most recent bounce back from the brink of death has led some religious scholars to wonder if God has some last task for John Paul II, or if God just keeps canceling at the last minute in an effort to avoid him.