"Love on the rocks… ain't no surprise… Pour me a drink… and I'll tell you some lies…" You know, it was 20 years ago songwriter/poet Neil Diamond first penned these sad drunken words of disintegrating romance, and they are just as appropriate today--especially since HALF OF TINSELTOWN has taken the express train to SPLITSVILLE! Heather Graham and hunky Josh Lucas? ALL BROKE-UP! Drew Barrymore and rock star Fabrizio Moretti? TORN ASUNDER! CSI Miami's David Caruso and non-famous wife Margaret? DIVORSKI! Former somebody Lou Diamond Phillips and never anybody Kelly Phillips? DISSOLUTED! (Sorry, but our thesaurus is only so big!) But perhaps most unshockingly of all, fading pudgy pop-tart Britney Spears is on the serious skids with hubby Kevin "Ice, Ice Baby" Federline--and after only five months of marriage! According to Life and Style Weekly, it's Kevin's refusal to pick up dog poop that's been giving Brit second thoughts! "It has occurred to Britney that Kevin isn't a great deal of help in cleaning up after the dogs (Bit Bit, Lacy Loo, and Lucky)," said the snoopster. And by the same token, Kevin is becoming annoyed by all the attention being paid to the pooches. Says the source, "The other night Britney was leaving with Kevin for a romantic meal, but Bit Bit whined and whined and refused to be left. Eventually, they stayed home and ordered takeout." Obviously there's only one way to save this tenuous marriage--Bit Bit must file for emancipation. (What a great idea for an E! True Hollywood Story!)
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 8
Here's a headline you don't want to hear: "Karl Rove Gets More Power than Ever!" Best known for employing mass hypnosis to give President Bush an undeserved second term, this political strategist/senior advisor has a new job in the Bush administration, Deputy White House Chief of Staff. Rove's new job will primarily entail coordinating policy between the White House Domestic Policy Council, National Economic Council, National Security Council, and Homeland Security Council--or put more simply, he'll be finding new and creative ways to fuck you in the ass. Meanwhile… President Bush has proposed a $137 billion cut in benefit programs over the next decade, in another retarded effort to lower the national debt. This includes slashing 48 educational programs, Medicaid, health insurance programs for the poor and disabled, farmers' payments, student loans, veterans' medical services… we can stop now, right? "It's a budget that focuses on results," Bush told reporters about his new plan. "The taxpayers of America don't want us spending our money into something that's not achieving results." (Note to taxpayers: The billion dollars per week being spent to set up a puppet government in Iraq is in fact achieving results--if you consider scores of frustrated liberals sticking knives into their brains as "a result.")
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 9
Yay! It's always a wonderful day when actor Corey Feldman makes national news! This former child star of Stand By Me, The Goonies, and the best movie in the history of all time, License to Drive, is being subpoenaed by the prosecution to testify in the Michael Jackson molestation trial--AND WE COULDN'T BE MORE THRILLED! Why? Because that means Macaulay Culkin (Home Alone) and Emmanuel Lewis (Webster) are on the way! This trial is going to make O.J.'s look like a stinking pile of Bit Bit poop! Yay! Yay! YAY! On the downside, Corey doesn't have any good molest-y gossip to share about MJ. However, Corey did say in a 20/20 interview that some of Michael's actions with him were "inappropriate." Like one time? When Corey was 13 and in Michael's apartment? He stumbled onto a coffee table book filled with… oh, let him tell it! "The book focused on venereal diseases and the genitalia," Corey grimaced. "I was kind of grossed out by it. I didn't think of it as a big deal. But in light of recent evidence… I have to say that if my son was 13 years old, and went to a man's apartment that was 35, and I knew they were sitting down together talking about this, I would probably beat his ass!" Hey, here's an idea… instead of putting Corey on the witness stand, let's pit him against Michael in an episode of Celebrity Boxing! Yay! Yay! YAY!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 10
It would be nice if the Bush administration could go an entire week without bringing us to the brink of nuclear holocaust, but… oh well. North Korea admitted today for the first time they possess nuclear weapons, and because of Bush's big mouth, have decided to pull out of disarmament talks. "We have manufactured nukes to cope with the Bush administration's policy to isolate and stifle [our country]," said the North Korean Foreign Ministry, in reference to the Presidents' inauguration speech and all that stuff he said about "ending tyranny." (Bush didn't have to mention them by name… North Korea knows tyrants.) Meanwhile, Iran is also totally P.O.'d over remarks made by new Secretary of State Condy Rice when she told the Iranians that nuclear negotiations with Europe "cannot go on forever." In response, Iranian President Mohammad Khatami was characteristically subdued: "The whole Iranian nation is united against any threat or attack. If the invaders reach Iran, the country will turn into a burning hell for them!" The crowd apparently agreed, chanting, "Death to America!" (Note to self: See if IKEA has a sofa that goes with our bomb shelter decor.)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 11
Speaking of which, we all know that IKEA can be a hotbed of violence. My god, with the crowds, maze-like layout, and competitive bin digging, it's a wonder anyone makes it out of there alive. But today The New York Times reported that the midnight opening of a new IKEA store in North London had turned into a bloodbath. A man was stabbed and five other people were hospitalized after 6,000 people showed up for the opening night special bargains that included an $84 leather sofa. Apparently, stampeding Londoners were abandoning their Mini Coopers in the road and hoofing it in their trainers, causing major traffic backups in their insane play for Mysa Sn… quilts and Nilby sofa beds. Faced with such chaos, the store was forced to close after 45 minutes. While no one knows exactly what compelled the public freak-out (Ikea has 12 other stores in Britain), many are attributing the mass psychosis to the recent engagement of Charles and Camilla. Ikea does have some lovely wedding gifts, but how many Beach colored Billy bookcases does one royal couple need?
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 12
Remember how your father begged you not to give up the oboe in seventh grade? But no, you were convinced the electric guitar would be more lucrative. Well, now there is a national oboist shortage. Are you happy? The Chicago Symphony Orchestra, the Cleveland Orchestra, the Los Angeles Philharmonic, the Cincinnati Symphony Orchestra, the San Diego Symphony, and soon the New York Philharmonic are all without a principal oboist. "We had our eye on this really talented seventh grader," said one conductor. "But he gave up the oboe in 1987. We were going to make him rich and famous. And the girls! Girls love oboists. We hear he's playing second guitar in a basement in Portland, Oregon. What a waste…"
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 13
Investigators continued their efforts to stop a planned Valentine's Day mass suicide by contacting women who visited a chat room run by a Klamath Falls man. Gerald Krein, 26, will be charged with attempted manslaughter for his efforts to talk women into engaging in sex with him and then killing themselves. Investigators say Krein had been trying to talk women into this for at least five years. Preying on lonely hearts, he allegedly invited women to partake in sexual acts and then hang themselves nude from a beam in his house. Though he indicated the beam could hold a number of women, Krein lives in a mobile home--a structure not usually known for its ceiling beams. Krein told investigators he'd been in touch with 31 women. All of whom, presumably, assumed Krein was kidding.