The love affair is over… at least between gossipy tattle-tale tabloid rags like our own and Hollyweird's touchiest celebs! A virtual tsunami--no offense intended--of top Tinseltown talent went litigation crazy after a swarm of salty stories appeared in the tabs. First up, Ashley "Not the Fat One Who Went to Rehab" Olsen, who's suing the National Enquirer for 40 million smackeroos, because they "implied" she was a drug user. How? Though nary a word was mentioned about any toot-snooting in the article, the front cover depicted "a misleading headline," and a photo with her eyes half-shut. And everybody knows droopy eyelids are a sure sign of two things: drug addiction… and being photographed with your eyes half-closed. "Freedom of the press is a valuable right," lectured Ashley's lawyer to no one in particular, "but is not a license for gossipy tabloids to tar and feather innocent celebrities and destroy their reputations." Ashley an innocent celebrity? We're sorry, but has this guy seen New York Minute? Our nightmares simply won't stop! Meanwhile… The increasingly dumpy Britney Spears got madder than a trailer-trash tramp with a too-tight tube top when Us Weekly published unauthorized photos of Brit and hubby Kevin "K. Fed" Federline on their private Fijian honeymoon. "Other magazines, including the Star, contacted us when presented with these photographs and refused to publish them," Spears snipped. "Kevin and I thank those other magazines for respecting our rights of privacy." But this was one trashy tabby that bites back! Said an Us spokesperson, "Coming from a celebrity who sold pictures of both her wedding and her stepdaughter, it's unlikely the issue here is privacy. Britney Spears should start a magazine if she'd like to dictate her own coverage." Meeee-OW! But its not only Us and Brit scratching at each others' eyes; the flailing pop-tart is screaming at periodicals like One Day for reporting her marriage with K. Fed is on the rocks. "We are going to be together forever," Britney said over-optimistically. And her freeloading hubby seems to agree. "She's more proud of me than anyone has ever, ever, ever been in my lifetime," K. Fed said with presumably a steak sandwich hanging out of his mouth. "I could be sitting at home doing nothing. I could be playing video games." Or he could be encouraging Britney to continue her aborted music career. So let's just count ourselves as "lucky."
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 15
Valentine's Day may be over, but the lovin' continues! According to the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, high school sweethearts Mary Kay Letourneau, 43, and her former student Vili Fualaau, 22, have finally set the date to get married. EEEEEEEE! Couldn't you just die. After spending 7 years in prison on two charges of child rape, and bearing two of her young lover's children--you don't think she'll wear white, do you? Well, never you mind! Mary Kay has served her time, put her past behind her, and is ready to start a new life of wedded bliss with the former 12-year-old she raped--and what better way to do that than with a bridal shower? And though the press has hushed it up, leave it to Auntie Ann to track down Mary Kay Letourneau's bridal registry [go to www.weddingchannel.com and search "Mary Letourneau"]. Unfortunately, there you'll find Mary has chosen the "VILLEROY & BOCH TWIST ALEA" dinner settings, which look like something a clown on acid might vomit after a hearty meal of multicolored circus peanuts. And oyster bed linens? Mary, PLEASE! That color is so 1996--but then again, so is your fiancé.
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 16
And if President Bush were to sign up for a gift registry, you can be sure it would include a few unnecessary guns, some "chawin' tobaccy" and a $419 billion defense package to "continue prosecuting the war and to attack its ideological underpinnings." Did he say "prosecute the war"? If memory serves, he started the war! However, to keep our brain from spinning out of our skull in confusion, we'll put that aside for the moment. In layperson's terms, Bush is intent on using this monstrous sum of money to continue to feed his billion-dollar per week Iraq habit, and to combat terrorism on American soil--which one has to admit hasn't exactly been hopping since Sept. 11, 2001 (despite what the cowering Oregonian editorial board may whimper about on almost a weekly basis). However… "I remain very concerned about what we are not seeing," moaned FBI Director Robert Mueller who is frightfully worried about "a sleeper operative" in the U.S. who just might be waiting to attack. Though thrilled at the prospect of paying $419 billion for something nobody can see--we would pay at least that much to never again see the place settings in Mary Kay Letourneau's bridal registry. We're serious! They are that hideous!
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 17
What follows is a list of possible defense witnesses--as well as the reasons why we think these people were called--for the Michael Jackson "Man in the Mirror" trial of the century. 1. Prince Michael and Paris (Michael's eight-year-old son and six-year-old daughter will be called to prove that Michael has no interest in the feelings of children whatsoever.) 2. Stevie Wonder (will testify that he didn't actually "see" anything happen). 3. Diana Ross (it's always good to put someone up on the stand who's loonier than yourself). 4. CNN's Larry King (to lure the jurors into a deep slumber). 5. Kobe Bryant (to testify about how being accused of rape can really hurt one's feelings). 6. New age guru Deepak Chopra (see number 3). And 7. former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter (who is now far too old for Jackson to attack while giving his testimony).
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 18
A Portlander threw a shoe at former Pentagon adviser Richard Perle today. Perle, in town to debate Howard Dean, had just begun his comments when an audience member took off his shoe, hurled it at Perle, (he reportedly missed by a mile) and was then dragged off stage screaming "Liar! Liar!" What spectators did not realize was that the shoe-hurler was actually a designer from Nike testing out a prototype for the new Air Protester. The Air Protester, due in stores this summer, offers "tread endurance" for those long marches against sweatshop labor, combined with an aerodynamic design for instant projectile capability. Troubled by the concept? No worries! The shoe is also highly flammable for easy burning in effigy.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 19
Ever wonder what happened to Koko, the sign language-speaking gorilla? Like so many washed-up celebrities, she is being accused of sexual harassment. Two former employees of the 33-year-old female gorilla are suing Koko's longtime caretaker Penny Patterson, claiming they were forced to expose their breasts to the famous simian as a form of bonding. The lawsuit claims that on one occasion Patterson even said, "'Koko, you see my nipples all the time. You are probably bored with my nipples. You need to see new nipples."' The disgruntled employees also claim that Koko's facility had unsanitary and unsafe conditions, including rodents in the food preparation area and gorilla urine stored in the refrigerator where workers kept their lunches. They are asking for $1 million and a public apology from the ape.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 20
Hunter S. Thompson killed himself today. The founder of gonzo journalism, Thompson set the bar for which all snarky, alcohol-fueled alternative weeklies are measured. We owe him a great debt. In his honor, pick a day this week, speak truth to power, and don't let anyone give you any bullshit. R.I.P. Hunter.