Don't even look at us today! Our eyes are puffy, our hair is a mess, and we barely got a wink of sleep last night. And it's all because that bitch Paris Hilton had the nerve to get her T-Mobile Sidekick hacked--which had our home number on it! Oh, we know… "don't blame the victim." But after the contents of her mobile phone were posted on the internet, celebrities such as ourselves were victimized by pranksters--all night long! (Ring, Ring. Ms. Romano, is your refrigerator running? You'd better catch it then! Ring, Ring. Ms. Romano, do you have Prince Albert in a can? You'd better let him out then!) It's infuriating! Especially since our hubby Kip has refused our repeated requests to get a "Prince Albert." But we're trying to keep this in perspective; apparently we weren't the only celebrity inconvenienced by stupid Paris Hilton and her stupid phone. Among the victims; Avril Lavigne, Eminem, Anna Kournikova, Ashlee Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Jay-Z (the list gets less famous and interesting from here, if you want to stop reading), Nicole Richie, Vin Diesel, Shannon Elizabeth, Fred Durst, and Frankie Muniz among other nobodies. One nobody, Fergie from the overrated Black Eyed Peas band, was particularly incensed after having her digits revealed, saying, "I'm getting all these perverted phone messages, thank you very much. I am going to kill Paris Hilton." For her part, Paris almost seemed mildly apologetic when issuing her apology: "I want to apologize to all my friends and family," Paris said. "I don't know why this stuff always happens to me, but I wish it wouldn't anymore." Actually, Paris, having our private lives violated happened to US. Getting your vagina splashed across the internet happened to YOU.
TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 22
Today another dumbass kid from Virginia became the latest pariah in the U.S. witch-hunt for terrorists. 23-year-old Ahmed Omar Abu Ali, a former Virginia boy who was studying at a Saudi university, has been accused of expressing interest in joining al Qaeda, and discussing options for assassinating President Bush. According to the indictment, Abu Ali and a co-conspirator spoke of "an operation in which Abu Ali would get close enough to the president to shoot him on the street and… an operation in which Abu Ali would detonate a car bomb." Doesn't this sound just like the kind of plan that would never work in a billion years, dreamed up by a couple of dumbass college students sucking a bong in their dorm? But… perhaps we're wrong, because U.S. Attorney Paul McNulty seems to be taking the threats very seriously indeed. "After the devastating terrorist attack and murders of September 11, the defendant turned his back on America and joined the cause of al Qaeda," McNulty said, probably while standing on an apple box and waving his finger in the air. "He now stands charged with some of the most serious offenses our nation can bring against supporters of terrorism." If convicted of all charges, Abu Ali faces a maximum sentence of 80 years in prison for the same kind of talk one hears on a daily basis in the student union at Reed College. The moral: Lay off the dope, kids, and get back to your books. The Feds are listening!
WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 23
In case it ever comes up, if you are a man, you cannot sue a woman for stealing your sperm. However, you can accuse her of emotional distress. Richard O. Phillips has accused Sharon Irons of a "calculated, profound personal betrayal" after she gave him oral sex six years ago, and then used the sperm to secretly impregnate herself. Ms. Irons then filed a paternity suit, forcing Phillips to pay $800 a month for a child he never knew existed. Phillips sued Ms. Irons for fraud, theft (of the sperm), and emotional distress. Today the appellate court in Illinois ruled that, if the story is true, Ms. Irons' blowjob was "deceitful" and an act that "no reasonable person would expect could result in pregnancy," thereby causing emotional distress. However, the court did not agree that Ms. Irons yoinked the sperm. "When the plaintiff 'delivered' his sperm, it was a gift--an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee," the decision read. "There was no agreement that the original deposit [the spunk] would be returned upon request." While Mr. Phillips was displeased by the decision, our hubby Kip was thrilled by the ruling--he's always considered his sperm "a gift." Eww, is right.
THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 24
Wanna know why poor Lindsay Lohan is always ending up in the hospital suffering from "exhaustion"? She's exhausted from her dad acting like a freaking wacko! Lindsay's parents, Dina and Michael Lohan, are currently going through a very messy divorce--which means loads of dirty laundry! Most notably, according to E! online, Dina has accused Michael of threatening to kill her entire family, allegedly telling their security guard, "O.J. Simpson has nothing on me. I know exactly how I'm going to kill [them]. I know when I'm going to do it and I'm going to enjoy it." She has also accused her husband of throwing her down a flight of stairs, as well as leaping out in front of Dina's car and yelling to the kids, "If Mommy leaves Daddy, I'm going to hang myself in the garage!"(While this situation definitely isn't funny, you have to admit that phrase would look amazing on a T-shirt.)
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 25
Giddy after a weeklong conference in the Netherlands to analyze results from the European Space Agency's Mars probe, a group of scientists announced today that they have discovered "active volcanoes and frozen seas" on Mars. Naturally this requires a mission to find out if there is life on the red planet. "This mysterious lady is slowly revealing her secrets," the AP reported NASA scientist Everett Gibson as saying. A poll conducted among 250 conference participants showed that 75 percent now believed life in the form of bacteria once existed on Mars, 25 percent thought it might still be there, and 15 percent believed that it would look like Lieutenant Tasha Yar.
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Quick. What is the most important invention of our time? Of course the answer is the intermittent windshield wiper. The Associated Press reported that Robert Kearns, the inventor of the intermittent windshield wiper has died at the age of 77. Kearns won millions when he sued Ford and Chrysler for stealing his idea after they couldn't agree on a licensing arrangement. Funny, we've been thinking of suing Ford and Chrysler for stealing our idea for convincing Americans to buy cars with poor gas mileage. If we'd known it would catch on so, we would have gotten a patent.
SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 27
The Oscars were today and the nation waited with bated breath to see one thing--had Julia Roberts lost the pregnancy weight? Oh sure, it was great that Jamie Foxx won for Ray and Morgan Freeman won for Million Dollar Baby and Chris Rock was funny--but would Julia look a little thick around the waist? Would she have her twins trussed up in a double Baby Bjorn hand-stitched by Valentino? Would she leak right there on stage causing an embarrassing blotch of lactation to spread across the bodice of her silk evening gown? My god, what if she was still sore from the episiotomy and visibly gimpy? And then, there she was, delivering the Best Director category, looking radiant like a person without any twins at all. Okay, her arms were chubby. Definitely chubby arms. Good lord, they were disgusting really. Huge. Like albino anacondas. Look away! Turn off the TV! Sweet Jesus, has anyone ever seen anything so horrible?