MONDAY, MARCH 14
Yippee-ki-yi-yay, another great day for the gays! Well, at least in California. Judge Richard Kramer of San Francisco County's Superior Court ruled today that California's ban on same-sex marriage is unconstitutional. This means if the state Supreme Court were to uphold the ruling, it would make California the second state behind Massachusetts to legalize gay marriages. What does this mean for you? Buy stock in Bed Bath & Beyond, like… NOW. You know that's what the Christians are doing! They're wailing and moaning about how marriage can only be between one man and one woman--and in the meantime, that very same man and woman are scooping up shares of Tiffany's, Martha Stewart Living, and those ridiculous-looking pewter salt 'n' pepper shakers. It's a conspiracy, we're telling you! They know as well as the rest of us that the writing's on the wall, and same-sex marriage is "the next big thing." But instead of sniveling about it, these Jesus freaks are buying up every flower shop, wedding chapel, and cut-rate jewelry business they can get their filthy hands on, with the intention of robbing gay brides BLIND. See, Christians hate it when gay people have more sex than they do, and if they're not getting screwed, then they'll be the ones doing the screwing--right in the old pocket book!
TUESDAY, MARCH 15
Speaking of morally offensive marriages… her royal hillbilly highness Britney Spears spent the day blabbing to Allure magazine on a litany of subjects, including her quickie Vegas marriage to Jason "Not the Fat Guy from Seinfeld" Alexander (the guy she hooked up with before Kevin "Honey, Pass Me Them Cheetos" Federline). According to the style mag, Brit said she married Jason in order to "shock the shit" out of her parents. Since annulling the wedding, Britney has made a variety of lame excuses for her behavior--and has recently taken to rationalizing her loopy actions using classic '70s pop psycho-babble: "I think it was a desperate cry to my family," she sniffed. "I had felt lost for so long and my mom was getting my sister ready for show business, and I'm on the road; just running around Germany with my head cut off and not knowing what the hell's going on." Britney, honey… if you want to punish mommy, why not just play her one of your CDs? Kaaaaaa-ZING! Meanwhile… After successfully analyzing and correcting her own neurosis, Britney went on to play armchair psychologist for the most screwed up human on the planet, Michael Jackson. When asked to judge whether MJ is innocent or guilty, Britney sagely responded, "If he did those things, I feel sorry for him. I feel like he probably feels alone, and he needs some help. [See?!? Just like Britney feels alone and needs help! She's soooo wise!--Ann] He needs someone to be like, 'Okay, let's buck you up, let's give you a moustache, let's rough you up, let's go to a bar, let's get drunk and be a man." [Whoa. Mmm… okaaaay. ] Britney continued, "And if he didn't do those things, I feel sorry for him. Either way, he needs to get in a fight." Geez, we never knew it was that easy to cure pedophilia. Doctor! One moustache and a punch in the face for Michael Jackson… stat!
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 16
Cranky old accused murderer Robert Blake breathed a sigh of relief when he was acquitted today of shooting his wife twice in the noggin. The 71-year-old former star of TV's Baretta was looking at life imprisonment without the hope of parole, had the jury returned with a guilty verdict. "[The prosecution] could never connect all the links in the chain," said jury foreman Thomas Nicholson. "We couldn't put the gun in his hand." An angry prosecutor swore to take his revenge on Blake in the form of an O.J.-style civil suit, but the old-fogey actor was unmoved by the threats and in rambling remarks to the press, said he was ready to put his past behind him and "cowboy it … Get in a motorhome or a van, feel the wind in my hair and find a little bar in Arizona or someplace." By and large Dr. Britney Spears, Ph.D agreed with Blake's self-diagnosis, adding, "While 'cowboying it' is all well and good, don't forget a moustache, and try to squeeze in a fight or two." Meanwhile…--The electronic ankle bracelet that Martha Stewart is forced to wear while under house arrest is chafing her. Just thought you'd like to know.
THURSDAY, MARCH 17
King of Pop Michael Jackson once again showed up in court today without a mustache, or a black eye. (Does he WANT to go to jail??) Other than that, it was a pretty boring day in the Trial of the Millennium™--except for one disturbing detail. MJ's former housekeeper Kiki Fournier took to the stand, testifying that "without parents around, [Jackson's estate] became like Pinocchio's Pleasure Island." For some reason, this really grosses us out. From what we remember, "Pinocchio's Pleasure Island" was a devious destination spot where evil characters lured innocent boys into their clutches, promising them the time of their lives, before eventually turning them into donkeys. We're not sure if the original Pinocchio was a thinly veiled warning of the dangers of pedophilia--but one thing's for certain, if anybody needs to grow a nose, it's Michael Jackson.
FRIDAY, MARCH 18
Today doctors removed the feeding tube from Terri Schiavo, the brain damaged Florida woman who's been at the center of a major hissy between her hubby and parents. The question? Whether Schiavo would want to be kept alive in a world where others would have to make even the simplest decisions for her--for example, whether to watch Law & Order or CSI: NY. [Note to self: go over this with hubby Kip, TONIGHT.] Naturally, everyone and their gynecologist has an opinion on this one, and Republicans on Capitol Hill even tried to subpoena Terri today in an attempt to prolong her "life." Accused of politicizing a private family matter, the conservatives rejected such naysaying, insisting that Terri merely reminded them of all their own beloved brain damaged relatives languishing in persistent vegetative states because no politicians had the courage to take a stand. It is expected to take up to two weeks for Schiavo to die. And three months for her political champions to hitch their wagons to another wheelchair.
SATURDAY, MARCH 19
Europe turned out today to mark the second anniversary of the start of Gulf War Deux, with 45,000 protesters marching in London alone. However, numbers were not as large as just before the war, when millions marched in cities around the world in a vain attempt to dissuade Bush from bringing it on. Some pundits attributed the low turnout to the fact that protesters are unsure of what exactly to demand at this point. A full troop withdrawal? A bigger coalition? More flattering uniforms for the ladies? Seriously, these baggy camouflage numbers are not doing anyone any favors. Would it be too much to ask for shoulder pads and a peplum?
SUNDAY, MARCH 20
The Associated Press reported today that Israel intends to hand over a town to the Palestinians. The transfer of Tulkarem, a lovely little burg on the West Bank, to Palestinian forces is expected to take place on Monday. Tulkarem follows the transfer of Jericho last week. Plans are also under way to transfer a third town. Maybe we've been spending too much time with TurboTax, but it seems to us that the States ought to jump on the bandwagon and dump a few towns of our own. (I'm pretty sure the donation is tax deductible.) Let's start with Tampa. The Palestinians would love Tampa (everyone goes gaga for Busch Gardens). Then we launch a nationwide campaign. Maybe something along the lines of "Donate Your Town to the Palestinians." Towns and cities could choose to make a donation and gain tax incentives that could be spent later when Social Security craps out. The Palestinians get Sioux City or whatever, and old people get some peace of mind. Everybody wins.