Hold everything!!! Mr. and Mrs. Kevin Federline are making a BIG mistake having a baby! Well, certainly for all the obvious reasons. But also because KevFed's ex, Shar Jackson, says that they're not ready. "A baby is not a dog. You can't just put it away," Shar said. "I don't know if Britney realizes how hard it will be." Britney, who has a dog and reportedly leashes it to exercise equipment when she works out at the gym, is a fair-to-middling dog companion. Other things you can't do with babies that you can do with dogs include the following: You can't leave the baby in the Escalade while you run into a convenience store for Cheetos. You can't take your baby into a bar. You can't leave your baby at a kennel. You can't get rid of your baby when you realize that your husband is a loser and you don't want him having an excuse to be coming over in his baggy pants on Father's Day and smoking around the baby. On the plus side, babies do have better accessories.
TUESDAY APRIL 26
Those of us in the celebrity gossip biz were shocked today to learn that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had been photographed together in Africa. Could they have been LYING about their sexual détente? Could all those denials actually have masked a sweaty love fest? Who can you trust these days if not celebrity publicists? The photographs, which ran in Us Weekly, showed Jen's ex being picked up at the airport by Angelina's bodyguard, squired to a love nest villa and then frolicking with Angelina and Maddox on the beach. Reports were quick to concede that Jen's ex and Jolie were not caught being affectionate with each other, and that "frolicking," while provocative, does not necessarily indicate the rubbing together of naughty bits. Still, the photographs set off an explosion of speculation--like when are they going to go public? And are they doing IT in front of Angelina's adopted three-year-old son Maddox? Today one of those celebrity publicists announced that Pitt, who is a special ambassador in Nelson Mandela's fight against HIV and AIDS, was in Africa visiting orphans of the AIDS pandemic that is devastating the continent. Why do they always have to be such a buzz kill?
WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27
In a related story, rumored Angelina conquest Jude Law has whisked his fiancée Sienna Miller away on a romantic holiday to where? A love nest in Africa, naturally! This all just reaffirms our assertion that Kip never takes us anywhere. The African cuddle holiday confused celebrity gossip professionals, as many of us had reported a rift between the couple. This would all be SO MUCH EASIER if you celebrities would just tell us for real when you were dating and when you weren't. Seriously. Anyway, Law took his 23-year-old it-girl to a private villa with its own swimming pool in Marrakesh, Morocco. (Girls love villas with their own swimming pools--it's how we know you really, really love us.) Will Angelina's siren song lure Jude from Sienna's young, firm breasts? Will the paparazzi still be around to photograph it? Are Jude and Sienna really happy, or are they faking? And will someone please let Kip know that a weekend at a McMenamins is NOT the be all and end all of romantic getaways?
THURSDAY, APRIL 28
In the wake of the Brad-Angelina "Dark Continent Sex Party," Jen has been in such a state that her best friend is so busy comforting her that she doesn't have time for facials. Courtney Cox said she loaned her name to a new advertising campaign for a skin care manufacturer because it's the only product fit for women who have as little time as she does. Do you have a best friend whose husband left her to frolic in Kenya with Angelina Jolie? Consider Kinerase, an easy means of keeping your face young while your best friend's tears soak through your sweater. As the company's first spokeswoman (we were asked, but didn't have enough wrinkles to appear convincing), Cox will represent the brand through her public appearances and in adverts distributed across America and Europe. "Like every woman trying to juggle family and career, I no longer have the time or patience for time-consuming beauty routines," she explained. And like every woman, who has time for a spa when one is busy supervising the nanny and rolling about in piles of cash with one's hunky hubby? Why, there's just barely enough time to slather on ointment before the private yoga instructor arrives as it is.
FRIDAY, APRIL 29
In a shocking bit of gossip tabloid jockeying, in order to compete with Us Weekly's cover shots of the African Frolic, Star magazine doctored two separate beach pictures of each actor to make it looks as if they were together. Us Weekly won a bidding war for the real photographs fair and square, paying a reported gajillion dollars for the rights to the juicy snapshots. Again, Jen's ex and Angelina were NOT being affectionate with each other. They were merely frolicking. The issue of Star ran the doctored photo on the cover with the teaser "Brad & Angelina: Caught Together! On Vacation." A disclaimer noting the image is a "composite of two photographs," could be found on page eight. But tens of thousands of Americans bought Star, thinking they were supporting the trashy outfit that would pay a shutterbug to take sneaky pictures of a private stroll--when in fact they should have been supporting Us Weekly.
SATURDAY, APRIL 30
If you leaf through your old issues of Seventeen magazine as often as we do, then you remember the following quote from Ms. Katie Holmes back in October: "I think every little girl dreams about [her wedding]. I used to think I was going to marry Tom Cruise." Well, guess what? It turns out that Tom Cruise reads Seventeen too! Now Tom and Katie are (ew!) dating. The two have even been spotted on a romantic holiday in Rome (which is no Africa, but isn't the Kennedy School either). "I'm more than enamored," leered Tom Cruise, which is celebrity speak for "She makes me so fucking hard." Katie recently broke with Chris Klein (by way of Josh Hartnett) and Cruise split with Penelope Cruz (by way of Sofia Vergara). As far as we know, Angelina had nothing to do with any of this. The news of the twosome was met with great enthusiasm by the chattering class. Are we, in the wake of post Brad-Jen, this desperate for a new golden couple, people? (Tom, if you turn Katie into a Scientologist, we will never forgive you.)
SUNDAY, MAY 1
The Georgia bride-to-be who vanished just days before her wedding, launching a media frenzy and theories of foul play, was not whisked off to Africa by Angelina Jolie and has, in fact, turned up in New Mexico. At first, Jennifer Wilbanks claimed that she had been kidnapped by a couple in a van--but she then recanted and admitted that she had gotten cold feet. The wedding, reportedly the event of the season in Duluth, was to be a humdinger. 600 people had been invited, the bridal party was to include 14 bridesmaids and 14 groomsmen, and Wilbanks had endured eight bridal showers. How do you call off a wedding when you've already received eight Krups coffee grinders? You can't! Your only choice is to travel to Las Vegas by bus! Then, when your dreams of becoming a showgirl are not immediately forthcoming, head to Albuquerque. Authorities say that the feckless fiancée will return home. No word yet on whether the Krups coffee grinders will be kept, returned for cash, or distributed to the volunteers who spent the last few days looking for Wilbanks' body.