MONDAY, MAY 30

Move over Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan! There's a new celebrity catfight in town--with a tasty Metamucil twist! Hunky scientologist Tom Cruise and former jeans model Brooke Shields are duking it out in the gossip pages of America, and their publicists couldn't be happier. As reported last week in One Day, crackpot (but still dreamy) scientology lover Cruise ranked on Shields during an Access Hollywood interview, saying she should've taken vitamins instead of Paxil to treat her postpartum depression. (Who knew L. Ron Hubbard was an expert in gynecology?) Shields, who's been kicking the Paxil, subsequently ripped Cruise a new stinkhole. "Tom should stick to saving the world from aliens and let women who are experiencing postpartum depression decide what treatment options are best for them," snapped Shields, who is currently winning raves in the London stage production of Chicago. She then took an unnecessary but totally hilarious swipe at the age difference between Cruise and his current "girlfriend" Katie Holmes, quipping, "If [Tom] wants to see Chicago, I've left him two tickets--one adult, one child." OWWCCHH! This aging kitty still has claws! Meanwhile… In other Cruise news, America still refuses to believe that the love affair between Tom and Katie isn't just a big pile of bullshit dreamed up by the studios to promote their new movies. And this has really hurt Katie's feelings! The former Dawson's Creeker is insistent that their relationship is on the up and up, saying "I couldn't be happier. I'm so happy. He's the most amazing man in the whole world." Funny… isn't that what Lisa Marie Presley said before hitching her career to Michael Jackson?

TUESDAY, MAY 31

Porn lovers were extremely disappointed to learn that "Deep Throat" is in actuality a 91-year-old retiree living in Santa Rosa, California. One of the great mysteries of modern journalism was revealed today, when the Washington Post announced that former FBI deputy director Mark Felt was the legendary source "Deep Throat," who in the '70s leaked information regarding the Watergate scandal to reporters Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein. The truth came out in a Vanity Fair report in which Felt (formerly the number two guy in the FBI) admitted his role as whistle-blower, which was then confirmed by the Post, whose investigative reports on Watergate eventually led to the resignation of President Nixon. "Felt believed he was protecting the bureau by finding a way, clandestine as it was, to push some of the information from the FBI interviews and files out to the public," said Woodward. "He had nothing but contempt for the Nixon White House and their efforts to manipulate the bureau for political reasons." Meanwhile, former Nixon speech writer, presidential candidate, and right-wing wacko Pat Buchanan labeled the 91-year-old Felt as a "snake," adding, "He's an FBI agent for heaven's sakes… and he's sneaking around garages leaking the results of an investigation to a Nixon-hating newspaper." Here's hoping a whistleblower eventually emerges for a Bush-hating world.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1

It's been a month of quickie marriages and engagements, most notably dumpy Renée Zellweger's insta-marriage to C&W hayseed dullard Kenny Chesney. Not to be outdone, former Zellweger paramour Jack White of the White Stripes has also taken the express train to matrimony, marrying British model Karen Elson… in the Amazon… by a shaman… in a canoe. Look, Jack. You already resemble Edward Scissorhands without the scissors--you no longer need to convince us you're "alternative." Meanwhile… Hotel heiress/porn producer Paris Hilton also hastily committed to a life of unhappiness by getting engaged to Greek shipping heir/wet mop Paris Latsis--and just last week she was messing around with that Carl's Jr.'s spicy jalapeño burger! What a WHORE! Meanwhile… In what we consider to be the most shocking news in a week of shocking news, actress Christina Ricci (Monster, The Addams Family) has made the decision to stop plucking her eyebrows… like, FOREVER. According to Contactmusic.com, Ricci has idiotically chosen to go for a hairier (ugh!) look. "I was plucking my eyebrows like crazy for awhile, but it was too high maintenance," said the clearly deranged Ricci. "So now I'm growing them back." HAS THIS WORLD GONE INSANE?? Next thing you know, Ricci's ridiculously hairy monobrow will run off with a Carl's Jr. burger to get married in some canoe in the Amazon! Ahhhhh! We need to lie down.

THURSDAY, JUNE 2

And now a moment of silence in memory of the Michael Jackson "Trial of the Millennium™" which started its closing arguments today. Though Jackson's fate is now in the hands of a jury (who has the power to send the King of Pop to the slammer for 20 years), we'll always remember the images this trial embedded into our memories--including the chef who dropped his tray of French fries after allegedly catching Jackson with his hands shoved down a kid's pants, and the maid who claims to have seen Michael fondling Macaulay Culkin's bottom. And though we may never feel clean again, we should all take a long hot shower. (Not with you, Michael! Jesus, you're a perv!) Meanwhile… Today a North Korean Foreign Ministry spokesman publicly stated that, "[Vice President] Cheney is hated as the most cruel monster and bloodthirsty beast, as he has drenched various parts of the world in blood." The U.S. quickly responded, saying, "Ohhh-kay… so… what's your point?"

FRIDAY, JUNE 3

Remember when we reported that Katie Holmes was in talks to replace rumored Angelina-ex Jude Law's fiancée Sienna Miller as Warhol muse Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl? Well hold on to your black tights and hair frost kit, kiddies! Now Tom "Puppet Master" Cruise has reportedly talked Katie into taking her name out of the running. Why turn down a part as everyone's favorite '60s It-Girl druggie (and there were LOTS)? Because if Brooke can't take Paxil, then Katie certainly can't play someone who died of a drug overdose. Plus, insiders say that Tom claims the part would be bad for Katie's image. Wouldn't want her to get a reputation as a good actress. Look what that did to Nicole.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4

We'd always suspected it, but now the data is in: laughing at the misfortune of others is good for you. American researchers have discovered that a good quarter hour of giggling can burn about the number of calories found in a "medium square of chocolate." How was this scientific study conducted? First, researchers shut 45 pairs of friends in a metabolic chamber, strapped them into recliners, and then made them watch TV while they measured how many calories they were burning. The researchers concluded that the subjects burned 20 percent more calories when laughing, compared to not laughing, which translates to about 50 calories every 15 minutes. An extra 10 calories can be burned if you point at the person while laughing at them.

SUNDAY, JUNE 5

Beleaguered fallen idol Michael Jackson was taken to an emergency room today. Our heart goes out to him. He must be in SO MUCH PAIN. Something about back trouble. Again. Now, with anyone else these frequent ER trips would make us think: DRUG ADDICT. PERCOCET QUEEN. But certainly Jacko can find other ways to accumulate pain killer prescriptions. Hello? He's like THIS with Elizabeth Taylor. Could the King of Pop really have what is commonly referred to as "a bad back"? Or is he just that desperate to be near the pediatric ward? No matter. Reverend Jesse Jackson continues to pray for him "almost every day." Just think, if he had the time to pray EVERY day, Jesus might make this whole mess go away.