Pop quiz, hotshot! Try to guess which of the following overly ecstatic sentences were NOT uttered this week by former Dawson Creeker Katie Holmes in reference to her new "boyfriend" Tom Cruise: "I feel like he's made my life." "He's just the most amazing man in the whole wide world." "He's kind." "He's generous." "He's smart." "He's the most artistic man I've ever met." "He's a joy." "He makes me laugh like I've never laughed." "He's the most wonderful being." "Someone, anyone, please… I'm being held captive in a weird Scientology cult." "I'm more and more in love every day." "I watched Leno last night, and I was, like, blushing and so happy and excited." "I'm so proud." "I'm so happy." "I'm thrilled." "I love him!" "I love his outfit, too." "I want to have his baby." "It's like… wow." OKAY! Did you figure it out? The correct answer is, "I want to have his baby." (But she's probably saving that for next week.) Meanwhile… So not only did Tom Cruise give a repeat performance of his love-struck couch-hopping shtick from Oprah on this week's Tonight Show with Jay Leno, his mewling paramour Katie Holmes was just as effusive on Good Morning America, practically squirming out of her chair in her declarations of love for the toothy actor--and we're telling you, THIS HAS GOT TO STOP! Frankly, we no longer give a shit whether Cruise is gay or not, because this sickening display of sugar-drenched affection is making us physically ill! And even worse? THEY DON'T CARE! In this week's Entertainment Weekly, Tom clearly says, "There are some people who just don't like to see other people happy. They try to actually stop it. But you know what? If they don't like it, fuck them." Tom--for the love of GOD--we're all for happiness, but this has gone far past a simple declaration of love. Now it feels more like being ass-fucked by Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear!
TUESDAY, JUNE 7
Today the brilliant actress Anne Bancroft (who played Mrs. Robinson in The Graduate) died at the age of 73 of uterine cancer. Her last words were short and sweet: "Please tell Tom and Katie to shut the fuck up. I'm dying of cancer, here!" Meanwhile… In a story only tangentially related to Tom and Katie, actor Russell Crowe ripped a phone out of a wall and hit a hotel clerk in the face with it. (We're telling you, this Tom/Katie thing is driving everybody NUTS.) While staying at New York's Mercer Hotel, Crowe (currently winning raves for his work in Cinderella Man) lost his shit when the clerk was unable to help him place an international call to his wife in Australia. Says NYPD officer Michael Wysokowski, "[Crowe] threw a phone at the employee, hitting him in the face and causing a minor laceration." The clerk, Nestor Estrada (who we imagine sounds and acts a lot like Bronson Pinchot's character in Beverly Hills Cop) was understandably upset. "The guy was going nuts… I was scared. I didn't want [to leave my office]. I thought he might still be there." Crowe was released without bail, but is bound to return on September 14 to throw himself on the mercy of Nestor and the court. "It's a seven-year jail sentence," said an apologetic Crowe. "The only hope I've got is to rely on [Nestor's] good graces. I wouldn't imagine he feels any obligation to do anything nice, and I can understand that position completely." Hey, cheer up, Crowe! Maybe Nestor will decide to settle out of court, and instead of jail time, you could promise to never star in another movie with that hag Renee Zellweger!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 8
Here's another example of how celebrities just don't share the same types of problems as the rest of us: Teen queen Lindsay Lohan's breasts have been digitally reduced for the upcoming Disney film Herbie: Fully Loaded. Apparently, gasping test audience members looked on in horror as Lindsay's ample bosom bounced up in down in select scenes from the upcoming children's movie about a brainy VW bug. Computer technicians were forced to revisit these scenes, digitally raising revealing necklines, and reducing Lohan's breasts two cup sizes. After completing their task, the technicians were then ordered by Tom Cruise to digitally alter Lohan to look more like Katie Holmes, and then alter the world to become Scientologists.
THURSDAY, JUNE 9
Still no word from the Trial of the Millennium™ jury regarding the fate of accused molester Michael Jackson. What are these people doing anyway? Do they think we have time to sit around all day reading fashion magazines while they deliberate on the fate of a human being? Okay, maybe they do, but listen to this! If Michael gets a guilty verdict, authorities expect his fans to riot outside the Santa Monica courthouse. How do they know this? Today they found two buckets of rocks hidden in some bushes. Maybe they were left over from the O.J. trial, but we doubt it. As it stands now, Michael faces 20 years in the slammer if convicted of all charges--but that's not the exciting part! According to a California prison spokesperson, there is only one prison in the state that offers the kind of protective housing Michael Jackson would need to survive his stint--and he would share it with Robert Kennedy's assassin Sirhan Sirhan and nutso '60s cult leader Charles Manson! EEEEEEEE! Couldn't you just die? They should totally form a band!
FRIDAY, JUNE 10
Americans, unhappy with how President Bush has handled the kidnapping of Katie Holmes, have given the President his worst job approval rating since the Associated Press-Ipsos poll began in December 2003. About 35 percent of adults said they think the country is headed in the right direction, while only 43 percent said they approve of the job being done by Bush. Just 41 percent of those asked say they support his handling of the war in Iraq. (This number jumps to 82 percent if respondents are told that Scientologists are behind it.) Congress, which has yet to even bring a "Save Katie" bill to the floor of the House, got even lower grades than Bush, with only three in 10 polled saying they approve of the job they're doing, and 64 percent disapproving. The remaining 26 percent had never heard of Congress. Though all were very concerned about Katie.
SATURDAY, JUNE 11
Former Democratic presidential candidate turned DNC chair Howard Dean announced today that he would not snuff the fire in his belly. "People want us to fight," he said. "We are here to fight." Dean has recently described Republicans as "pretty much a white, Christian party," made up of people who "never made an honest living." Prominent Democrats, accustomed to bending over and taking it up their sycophantic arses, were shocked by Dean's combative nature. Luckily, their Republican colleagues took Dean's observations as compliments, adding that they found his tight off-the-rack trousers very attractive.
SUNDAY, JUNE 12
Ozzy's offspring Kelly Osbourne was not forced back into rehab earlier this month because of a relapse into the forgiving haze of prescription painkillers. According to mom Sharon Osbourne, "This time it is not about drugs. I wish it were that simple. Kelly had a breakdown because of her weight. She's had a complete nervous meltdown. People have always made fun of the way she looked but this time it seemed worse and she could not cope." What kind of self-important asshole would ever point out a celebrity's physical flaw? Was it YOU? We blame the Jackson jury. And Lindsay Lohan. Who, if we may point out, is WAY too skinny. Seriously honey, gain a little thigh meat and lose the blonde. You look like a cheap whore.