"MY FACE! OH, GOD, MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!" Okay, maybe Hollywood heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio didn't scream those exact words when a crazy woman slashed his million-dollar puss with a broken beer bottle at a party this weekend--but who could blame him if he had? The fracas went down at porn producer and former Paris Hilton paramour Rick Salomon's crib, where an alleged "crazed attacker" stuck The Aviator star right in the neck, narrowly missing a vital artery and even more horrifying, forcing him to get 12 ugly stitches. "While leaving a small private gathering, Leo was attacked by a woman who was trespassing and had been repeatedly asked to leave the property," said DiCaprio's remarkably calm and aptly named publicist, Ken Sunshine. "The woman was reportedly looking for an ex-boyfriend, who she had apparently physically assaulted on prior occasions." HELL-OOO? Do we really need Columbo to figure out who the attacker is? Temperamental former 90210 diva Shannon Doherty dated Rick Salomon, too! And take it from us, this bitch knows how to swing a beer bottle!
TUESDAY, JUNE 21
Though President Bush would like us to think of ousted dictator Saddam Hussein as an uncaring, violent monster, how many monsters can you name that just love Doritos? In the July issue of GQ magazine, an article details the experiences of American guards who looked after Hussein--and their description paints quite a different picture than that leveled by the Bush Administration. While he denied possessing any WMDs, or palling around with terrorist leader Osama bin Laden, according to the guards, Saddam has a fondness for gardening, telling jokes, ping pong, a good cigar, and as previously mentioned, Doritos. We're sorry, but that's ADORABLE. He was also not above giving relationship advice to his captors. "He was like, 'You gotta find a good woman,'" a guard reminisced. "'Not too smart, not too dumb. Not too old, not too young. In the middle. One that can cook and clean. Then you thank her, and you go…'--and Saddam smiled and made the gesture of bending a woman over and spanking her, as if to say, 'This is how you keep her in line.'" Okay, forget what we said about Saddam being adorable--we're with Bush! Give creepy grandpa the electric chair!
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22
We warned Tom and Katie, and we warned them again… but if they're not going to listen, what can we do? It looks like curtains for Katie Holmes, as far as her career in the Batman Begins sequels go. The blockbuster has made boffo bucks at the box-office, and stars Christian Bale, Michael Caine, and Morgan Freeman have already signed up for another go around--but wherefore art thou, Katie? According to the rumor factory, the head honchos at Warner Bros are furious over Katie's wacko engagement to Tom Cruise overshadowing Batman's headlines, and are correctly coming to the conclusion she isn't worth the bother. "Everyone is in agreement that the movie's strength is with Bale, Caine, and Freeman," a snoopy source told Pagesix.Com, adding that Holmes "won't be in the sequel… the next romantic interest will be a much stronger actress." OUCH. Worse still, even her own extended family can't get behind TomKat's bubbling lovefest. According to the National Enquirer, who somehow tracked down a guy who attends the same church as Holmes' family, Katie's mouthy Uncle Fritz is dead set against the union. "Katie's uncle Fritz said he reckons [the relationship] will only last a couple of months because of the age gap," said family friend Mike Sitter. "[Fritz] approached me and said, 'So what do you make of this Tom and Katie business? I think Tom seems like a real jerk. I give it 60 days.'" You're on, Uncle Fritz! Man, making bets in church on the outcome of your family's love life is the best!
THURSDAY, JUNE 23
Apparently, pop singer/dumb blonde Jessica Simpson isn't a slut after all! The marginally talented songstress has been accused of bedding down skateboarder Bam Margera, after Bam's dad told a radio station the two had "slept together." But according to Bam, his dad misinterpreted the term "sleeping together" and he and Jessica had merely "fallen asleep on the couch"… together… in her mansion… while hubby Nick Lachey was in Sweden. It's easy to see how Bam's poor stupid father could've become confused. Meanwhile… In an infuriating story, the thrilling reunion of the Spice Girls at the upcoming Live 8 charity concert has been scrapped because stupid, thoughtless Scary Spice refuses to be involved. Scary, whose real name is Mel B, pooh-poohed the reunion, insisting she didn't want to "look back" on her career. The decision was especially upsetting to Geri "Old Spice" Halliwell--who luckily has Alzheimer's, forgot what the discussion was about, and went back to eating her figgy pudding. Meanwhile… Increasingly skinny ingénue Lindsay Lohan has promised we'll never have to witness her in a nude scene. "There are other things you can do to show people you have talent," Lohan mused. "I don't think that's what's needed to win an Oscar for me." A nude scene, no--but a well-placed blowjob might be a step in the right direction.
FRIDAY, JUNE 24
The downward spiraling Tom Cruise continued his public mental breakdown this morning on The Today Show. In an interview with Matt Lauer, Cruise lamented the horrors of psychiatry, alluding to a dark history of the "pseudo-science." Matt, who seemed to be a proponent of treatment for the mentally disturbed, was duly chastised. "You don't know the history of psychiatry," Tom admonished. "I do." And what of Brooke Shields, whom the Top Gun chided for taking Paxil rather than vitamins to combat her crippling post-partum depression? Cruise was, again, stunned by Brooke's lack of research. "She doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She--she doesn't understand in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt." What's there to understand? Tom's not telling. But it's bad. Really bad. We know what you're thinking: who knew that Tom Cruise was so studious? He should be a professor! He is so smart! Not like Matt and Brooke, who are clearly idiots.
SATURDAY, JUNE 25
The New York Times reported today that nipples have been restored in the Justice Department. Nipple advocates may recall that Christian nut John Ashcroft had installed so-called "modesty drapes" over two saucy statues in the Great Hall, "Spirit of Justice," a statue of a woman with a bare breast, and "Majesty of Law," a statue of a bare-chested male. Ashcroft was reportedly concerned he might turn up in a newspaper photograph with a bosom looming over his shoulder. Or a huge erection in his pants. As anyone who has ever read an issue of Hot Nativity Sex knows, there's nothing that turns on those Evangelical types more than some marble effigy action. And it still counts as abstinence.
SUNDAY, JUNE 26
Princess Di and JFK Jr.? According to Diana's psychic gal pal, the two enjoyed a "brief romance," (translation: one-time hotel shag) in 1995. In her new tell-all book, Simone Simmons reports Diana's confession that she and John-John got busy in her suite at the Carlyle Hotel in NYC. "Diana had met him when he was trying to persuade her to give an interview to his magazine George. She told me, 'We started talking, one thing led to another--and we ended up in bed together. It was pure chemistry.' …Being Diana, she naturally wanted to take the relationship further. She had more love to give than any men could take and when it came down it, I think he found her too needy." Don't you hate it when you bang a monarch and all of a sudden she thinks you're in a relationship? Hello? Stalker. And why weren't the gossip columnists notified? Oh, well… at least God saw fit to punish both of them.