MONDAY, JUNE 27

It's been three whole days since Tom Cruise gave the Today Show's Matt Lauer a scolding, error-riddled lecture on the evils of psychiatry--and most of Hollywood is still petrified they may run into crackpot Cruise at the grocery store. For those just joining us, after asking Cruise to further explain why Brooke Shields should've taken vitamins instead of Paxil to soothe her postpartum depression, Today show host Lauer was taken to task by the toothy hunk who barked, "[Brooke] doesn't understand the history of psychiatry. She doesn't understand it in the same way that you don't understand it, Matt." But according to Brooke, one doesn't need a degree in psychiatry to know that MEDICINE MAKES PEOPLE FEEL BETTER. Or as she told the New York Times, "I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Mr. Cruise has never suffered from postpartum depression. If any good can come of Mr. Cruise's ridiculous rant, let's hope that it gives much-needed attention to a serious disease." Right ON, sister. Besides, if Tom is so hot on vitamins, maybe he should take them for his diarrhea of the mouth. Meanwhile… In a shockingly unshocking admission, Tom Cruise believes in aliens. When asked by a German magazine whether he believed in the existence of extraterrestrials, Tom once again bit the interviewer's head off, sniping, "Are you really so arrogant as to believe we are alone in the universe?" Fun fact: Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard taught his followers that aliens were sent to Earth by the intergalactic ruler Xenu, who then turned around and blew up the E.T.s with a hydrogen bomb in a volcano. Ohhh-kay. That's all we needed to hear. Pass the Paxil!

TUESDAY, JUNE 28

Hey, so what did you think of President Bush's speech tonight? You know, the one where he urged all of America to help him stand fast in Iraq? Yeah, pretty interesting stuff, huh? And remember that part where he laid out his plan to dispatch a special army of super-ants to burrow inside the insurgents' heads and make them go crazy? Weird, huh? AH-HA! Gotcha! President Bush didn't say that at all! In fact, you didn't watch the President's speech, did you? As it turned out, neither did most of America, as the national address only garnered a record low 23 million viewers. Compare that number to his May 1, 2003 speech on the deck of the aircraft carrier (48.4 million viewers) or his speech to congress nine days after 9/11 (a whopping 82 million viewers). Why the big decline? Reason one: He's full of shit, and most people now realize it. Reason two: He's totally not taking our idea about the special army of brain-burrowing super-ants seriously!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29

If you've been sweating the possibility of Alias hottie Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck having their oily love baby out of wedlock, worry no more: The two got secretly married today at the Parrot Cay resort in the Caribbean. Precious little is known about the private ceremony, however there is one thing we DO know: Garner will NOT be sucking Affleck's toes. According to Teen Today celebrity gossip site, Ben's former fiancée J.LO would slurp away on his tootsies; a fetish known as "shrimping." Says a blabbermouth pal, "Ben was joking that it's the only thing he misses about J.LO." Don't worry, Ben! J.LO has an entire year after your wedding day to deliver a gift (let's just hope you remembered to include "shrimping" on your bridal registry).

THURSDAY, JUNE 30

How much would you pay for Justin Timberlake's vomit? That was the question posed by the waitstaff of swanky L.A. eatery Chi, when Justin Timberlake puked all over the floor during the height of dinner service. A source told Star magazine, "He really overdid it. He partied until he puked, right there at the bar. The staff were in the back asking how much they thought they could get for it on eBay." Allow us to start the bidding with one "Eww." Do we hear two "Ewws"? Meanwhile… Justin's not the only one losing his lunch; consider the sad case of Lindsay Lohan, who seems to be growing more skeletal by the day. She's become so skinny in fact, her fans have launched a new website called Feedlindsay.com, whose purpose is to inspire the Herbie: Fully Loaded star to load up on some poundage. According to the online petition: "We urge you, Lindsay, to please pick up a sandwich and eat it." A second petition is being considered, which would ask Lindsay to fully digest, and then defecate the sandwich as well. Meanwhile… You know things are bad when the Christians start going after their own. A Jesus-freaky group known as "The Resistance" have their Bibles in a knot over Jessica Simpson's "slutty" performance in her music video remake of "These Boots are Made for Walking." Simpson is seen wearing the devil's hot pants, as well as washing the devil's hot rod while wearing the devil's skimpy bikini--which makes Resistance rep John Conner hotter than Hades. "It's sad to see [Jessica] whore herself out like this. She's a singing stripper!" Now hold on there, John! Who ever said she could sing?

FRIDAY, JULY 1

Justice Sandra Day O'Connor announced today she is retiring from the Supreme Court. You know what that means--get an abortion while you can. Even if you don't need one. O'Connor is a "moderate conservative," which means she mainly votes the party line, but is nice to kittens. So whom will Bush pick as her replacement? Sadly, his first choice, Judge Judy, is not available. And America's favorite Republican son Lance Armstrong does not have a law degree. Court watchers believe that Bush would like to install Alberto R. Gonzales on the Court but is saving that card to play for when Rehnquist succumbs to thyroid cancer. Happy Fourth of July weekend! Enjoy your civil liberties while they last!

SATURDAY, JULY 2

Celebrity home wreckers Brad and Angelina have been frolicking in the great outdoors again and People magazine has the telephoto pix to prove it. First, Brad and Angelina were caught strolling with Angelina's son Maddox on a beach in Kenya. Now the three have been documented in an English meadow near Angelina's Anglo-idyllic estate. Angelina is standing by as a bleach-blond, shirtless, smooth-chested Brad rides around on a motorcycle with Angelina's son between his knees. Frankly, based on the photographic evidence, it's looking more like Brad and Maddox are the ones having the affair. But regardless, these people's lack of paparazzi smarts is just unsettling. If you don't want to be on the cover of People, don't go outside. This is why you have mansions.

SUNDAY, JULY 3

Today it was announced that Alberto Gonzales is going to help his buddy George screen potential nominees to fill the post left vacant by the retirement of aforementioned kitten enthusiast Sandra Day O'Connor. Helping find candidates has been a long honored method of getting the job, as evidenced by Dick Cheney's exhaustive vice presidential search and Harrison Ford's stint as a script reader for the Han Solo auditions. So will Gonzales, 49, take O'Connor's seat and leave Rehnquist to whither away in peace? If so, he would be the first Hispanic to sit on the nation's highest court. Bush, who is known to go on and on about Gonzales' Hispanic heritage, is said to believe that his knowledge of Latin would help in interpreting the original Constitution. We just hope he's able to do something about granting more paparazzi access to stars. Hey, if we're going to lose our right to privacy, there had better be a bright side.