Aren't you just sick of the corporate media hushing up the most important news stories of our times? US, TOO. That's why our petticoat is twisted in a knot over the news that Katie Holmes' mouth was covered in oozing sores back in April--and there was nary a word about it until now! According to World Entertainment News, the hulking pixie had been dating toothy Scientologist Tom Cruise for two weeks when the rashy sores suddenly--AND SUSPICIOUSLY--popped up out of nowhere. Naturally, we immediately assumed Katie caught it from publicly smooching Cruise, who we then assumed had herpes. But what if this is not the case? Since then several other professional gossips have been making the case that Katie caught her cooties after going through a Scientology-inspired process called "Purification." (We're telling ya, Hitler would love these guys!) Unfortunately the process does not involve tossing oneself into an active volcano, but rather taking extra helpings of vitamin B3 (niacin) which is said to lower cholesterol and "boost circulation." Apparently, it also aids in producing herpes-like sores around the mouths of dumbshit celebrities who would fall for a religion as idiotic as Scientology. Regardless, a spokesman for this so-called faith strongly denies any responsibility for the sores. "Whatever is on Katie's face has nothing to do with us," said the spokesman. Okay, then…--we guess it's back to theory #1: Scientologist Tom Cruise allegedly has herpes!
TUESDAY, JULY 26
The tale of the naughty nanny continues! As reported with increasing gusto over the last few issues of One Day at a Time, hottie actor Jude Law was caught boinking the luckiest nanny in the world, Daisy Wright--who then turned around and blabbed the entire story to the press. And though Law made a public apology to fiancée and British "It" girl Sienna Miller, she has officially told the cad to "bugger off"--a quaint English term which translates roughly to "go fuck yourself." Sienna quickly put her own plan of revenge in motion, publicly "snogging" Orlando "I'm even hotter than Jude Law" Bloom at a polo match--in full view of a gang of rabid photogs. A snoopy spy reports the two had their legs entwined around each other, adding, "They spent ages cuddling, kissing and gazing at each other. There was real chemistry." Hear that Jude? You've been out-snogged, bloke. And in case you need a little extra salt with that wound, Sienna is reportedly refusing to see or speak with you, which is known as giving you the old "flibbity-gibbet"--a quaint English term which translates roughly to "I'm breaking up with you to date Orlando Bloom, and while you're at it, go fuck yourself."
WEDNESDAY, JULY 27
Now it's time for "Gossip Drips!" All the week's hottest gossip in convenient nasal drip form for fast, fast relief of sneezing and sniffling. DRIP! Sheepish Angelina Jolie moves in with Brad Pitt! You know, it's getting harder and harder to believe that Brangelina aren't an item--especially when Angelina's moving into Brad and Jen's old mansion… WITH HER CHILDREN. Even more awkward, Britain's The Sun reports that the fish-lipped actress is horrified of bumping into Jennifer Aniston, who only lives a scant 20 minutes away. Suggestion: Angelina should disguise herself as a demolition expert. It's always harder to pick out a homewrecker from a group of homewreckers. (Burn.) DRIP! Poor little rich girl/porn star Paris Hilton is pouting because her 24-carat diamond engagement ring is too heavy for her finger. Us Weekly reports that her complaints have become so strident, fiancé/shipping heir Paris Latsis bought her a plain engagement band for everyday wear. As a return favor, Paris should buy her fiancé a derringer; when it comes to killing oneself, they're so much lighter than a .45 magnum.
THURSDAY, JULY 28
Since there is absolutely NOTHING interesting happening in politics this week, we are hereby forced to report on the corruption investigation known as "Paulagate." American Idol judge Paula Abdul is currently being investigated by an actual "independent counsel" to discover whether she had an affair with former Idol contestant Corey Clark. The unsuccessful competitor from season two claims he was given performance and wardrobe tips from Paula, as well as advice on how to guide his penis into her vagina. And although "independent counsels" are generally reserved for things… ohhhh… a bit more important than horseshit singing contests, Fox executives want to prove they're taking the allegations seriously. Said Fox Entertainment President Peter Liguori to a room of tittering reporters, "credibility is extraordinarily important to us." Yes, but will Ken Starr be able to sing the songs of Barry Manilow?
FRIDAY, JULY 29
President George Bush was pronounced in "excellent health" today after a team of physicians performed an annual presidential look-see. What? No swelling in the brain from all that cognitive dissonance? It's a miracle! The commander-in-chief has also shed eight pounds since last year's exam, in partial thanks to skin left on the road after various mountain biking spills. The report says he exercises six times a week. Now, seriously, do you know anyone (who is not a professional stripper) who exercises six times a week? We're at war. Or in a struggle, or something--we can't keep it straight. How does this man find time in his five-hour workday for muscle building, when we can't get to the gym unless we're low on money and need to steal toilet paper and shampoo from the locker room?
SATURDAY, JULY 30
Everyone knows that God hates Boy Scouts, but the almighty has been especially harsh on the kerchiefed child cult this year. Four adults were electrocuted at the National Boy Scout Jamboree when they ignored the old saw about "never pitching your tent under a power line" and hundreds of boys suffered heat-related illnesses after they ignored the scouting motto "be prepared with a personal fan." (The boys were left to broil outdoors after the President cancelled an appearance--probably had a workout scheduled. Jesus, we admire that man's discipline.) Another adult at the Jamboree died of a heart attack and later in the week lightning struck a pack of Scouts in Fresno, killing one adult and leaving a 13-year-old brain dead. We ask you, do you ever hear about this sort of thing happening to Girl Scouts? No. They are nurtured at the bosom of creation.
SUNDAY, JULY 31
Atkins Nutritionals Inc., the company that turned ordinary people into anti-carb zealots, is wishing it had a little bread. The company filed for bankruptcy court protection citing waning interest in their lifestyle approach. Yeah. People will only buy that "no beer" thing for so long. Then you end up going next door to tell the fucking band to turn the noise down and, hey, they're actually having a party, and you end up sucking down half a pony keg of PBR and the next thing you know you're on the kitchen floor and hubby Kip is waking you up because your hair has apparently caught fire at some point and Kip is crying and you can't get the hummus off your nightgown. Dogma just isn't healthy. If you want our advice, buy up as much pseudoephedrine as you can while it's still legal. You might not shed eight pounds like President I'm-So-Buff, but you'll be productive at work and your nose won't run. And isn't that worth something?