- Whitey McConnaughy
From the hate-filled I, Anonymous mailbag:
To the enfants terribles that did their best to ruin the otherwise rad Thermals show at The Branx: Are you really so starved for a sense of identity and community that you need to adopt a shallow and cartoonish take on the styles of your hipster forerunners? The hour and a half we spent waiting outside for the venue to finally let us in was like being stuck in the middle of a hipster minstrel show. Once we got in, we were greeted by a greatest hits collection of concert going foolishness. People were elbowing their way in and out of the crowd, one guy had a strobing raver pacifier in his mouth (did I mention this was a Thermals show?) and I swear I saw one guy who looked like he was undergoing a series of surgeries to look more like Colin Meloy. Worst of all were the junkie jerkoff MGMT lookalikes dancing in front of me who not only had the worst BO I've ever had the pleasure of inhaling, but also sweetened their delicious odor bouquet with occasional farts that could have only been produced by vegan chili. It was like a grim carnival of all the worst people in Portland doing their best to ruin everyone else's night. Oh! I almost forgot the two little douche nozzles who thought it would be neato to block everyone's path out by sitting on the stairs. The hatred I feel for you is incomprehensible. If I could bend the fabric of time to 18 years ago, I would punch both of your mothers in their birth canals.
Wow. Now if you don't mind, I have to call Aetna and see if our Mercury health plan covers "a series of surgeries to look more like Colin Meloy."