In which our esteemed metal expert Aris Wales addresses the kind-of-incredible new video from Seattle battle-metal band Ancient Wind.

Dearest Ancient Wind,

Just when the world was seemingly starting to take metal seriously, ding-dongs like you go and make a video that will no doubt be viral by the time this post finishes uploading. Way to go, fellas! Now millions will see what you and all your fart-joke-loving buddies no doubt consider to be a masterpiece, and consequently, they will form an opinion about all of other gauntlet-wearing-denim-vested-long-haired-bangers on the street. Great! Thanks to you and your moderate video editing skills, we’re all gonna look like a bunch of drooling Neanderthals that still get a good snicker from drawing dicks inside community college library books. Yeah, everybody! Tits, Satan, monster trucks, ass, explosions, and rocket ships; that’s what metal is all about!

Let's all agree, a band’s image isn’t the end all be all. “Eaters of the Dead” isn’t the worst thing ever recorded. Jizzy Jake and Davie Diamond, you’re both tight guitar players that could go far with the right rhythm section. Roberto Inferno, you seem to have good control of your voice, but maybe that bikini doesn’t match that sword too well. And Girth Brooks, you can play double kick in cowboy boots and you have a cool Scorpions shirt. There are pros here, but the cons in how you portray yourselves outweigh the music 100 fold.

Next time you insist on making a “sweet” video and sharing it with the vast world of the internet, consider your peers. Thanks.