HELLO DEAR READERS. A few nights ago I was in town to do a roast of Portland. While doing research on news stories that have dominated the city's consciousness for the past few months, I learned that NOT ONLY does Portland, Oregon, have a mayor, but also there is currently a race to pick the new mayor. Then I learned that two white dudes are in the lead for that respective job. THEN I learned that those candidates might be at the very roast where I would be performing. THEN I learned that Ted Wheeler would definitely be there. THEN I learned that Jules Bailey definitely wouldn't, so I had a full clip of roast jokes about Bailey that I never got to use, and I humbly submit them to you here. Some of them are okay.
"I wanted to make fun of Jules Bailey, but then I found out that you can get gluten-free communion wafers at his church, and there's no way I can come up with something funnier than that."
"How are you going to run for mayor in the one city in the entire United States of America where Christians might actually be oppressed?"
"If your only political opponent was the guy who plays bagpipes on a unicycle while wearing a Darth Vader mask, you'd still be the weirder candidate."
"An evangelical Christian running for mayor in Portland: It's amazing, it really is. It's a true underdog story. It's like Rocky IV, except if everyone watching the movie were rooting for Ivan Drago."
"But Bailey's an interesting, thoughtful, analytical guy. He really is. He says he first approached the Bible in an intellectual way, before it turned into religious devotion. If this guy gets elected mayor, nobody let him near a copy of The Chronicles of Narnia. We'll be opening up trade negotiations with Mr. Tumnus within the week."
"Jules belongs to the Imago Dei church, which is notable for being the only building in the Central Eastside not currently being turned into condominiums."
"Jules' church believes that cohabitation is a sin, while anybody who has to pay rent in Portland believes it's a necessity."
"If you get elected mayor, Jules, you'll be going from the Imago Dei church, which believes cohabitation is a sin, to the Portland city government, which believes cooperation is a sin."
"Jules belongs to a church that condemns gay marriage and believes that men should take the primary spiritual role in a relationship—but to his credit, Jules has rejected those beliefs, even though he considers the church family... and that's not easy! We've all been in a similar place: Thanksgiving dinner, your Uncle Steve loosens his belt and between Miller High Life burps says, 'You know why women have smaller feet? So they can stand closer to the sink when they're doing dishes.' But you don't say anything, because, you know, he's family."
"Jules, what's your biggest problem with the Bible—is it that Noah's Ark was, by default, not a cage-free, ethically sourced, grass-fed environment, or that Bethlehem probably didn't have any good Montessori schools for sweet little baby Jesus?"
"Seriously though, I'd like to announce that I'm joining ISIS, but I reject the whole Sharia law, oppressing women, and cutting people's heads off thing. The dry heat is just good for my skin."