Ryan Alexander-Tanner

OH SHIT, PORTLAND. OH SHIT. OH SHIT THE BLAZERS ARE ABOUT TO BE IN THE PLAYOFFS. OH SHIT. Everyone thought they were gonna be wack as fuck before the season, but now they've defied the odds, like a sandwich you bought at a gas station because you felt like you were going to faint from garbage blood sugar, but it turns out it was made by some young immigrant would-be Mario Batali paying his dues at a gas station sandwich factory before exploding on the scene. The 2015-2016 Portland Trail Blazers: a delicious gas station sandwich. We know the Blazers will be in the playoffs, but as of press time, we don't know yet who they'll be facing. Here's a breakdown of their potential match-ups.

THE OKLAHOMA CITY THUNDER: If the Blazers slip to the sixth seed, they'll face Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook. Kevin Durant is an impossibly lanky spider monster who whisper-sings the ball into the basket smoother than hot butterscotch dripping on a mink fur coat. Russell Westbrook plays basketball like two loud Italian men screaming at each other during a car crash happening on a meteor which is slamming into a volcano erupting during an earthquake caused by two ANCIENT GODS fist-fighting each other during a Megadeth concert. So... you know, probably not the best-case scenario for our boys. Plus the Thunder have Enes Kanter, who the Blazers' GM offered a ridiculous contract—but only because he knew the Thunder would match it, 'cause they needed all the help they could get. We basically punked the Thunder into using Enes Kanter. He might be mad about that. Plus, he has what I would call "student-driver facial hair" and that's a dang wild card if there ever was one.

THE LOS ANGELES CLIPPERS: If the Blazers keep the fifth seed, they'll do battle with the Los Angeles Clippers, a team that, in the past few years, went from scrappy underdogs to HORNETS' NEST AT A PICNIC levels of annoying. They're all a bunch of messy babies who love drama. Chris Paul is one of the greatest point guards of all time, but he flops and whines and fusses. He plays basketball like a spoiled child finding out Blockbuster doesn't have the video game he wants to rent. JJ Redick probably actually was that kid. Blake Griffin is really fun to watch. He's explosive and elegant, like a horrible accident in a really high-quality fireworks tent. The Blazers probably have a better chance against the Clippers, plus if they do play them, I get to go to all the games... so... you know, keep my selfish ass in mind, here.

A GHOST ARMY!?: Whoa! What if the Blazers play a Ghost Army!? It could happen. That shit happened in Lord of the Rings, and it could happen to the Blazers. You don't fucking know. Don't condescend to me. This column is free, you piece of shit. It's free for you to read. You know what? Fuck off. I hope the Ghost Army kills you first.