Ryan Alexander-Tanner

There's a problem lurking in Southwest Portland. A conundrum. A botheration. A mistake. A big time fuck up. There's a question that can't possibly have a satisfying answer: Why is Portland State's mascot a Viking? Ducks and Beavers may be goofy, harmless (yet endearing) mascots, but at least they make sense, because this state is full of ducks and beavers. University of Portland's mascot is the Pilots, you know, like river pilots... like river pilots on the Columbia River... like river pilots who do not now, nor would they in any point in history, worry about Viking attacks. Western Oregon is the Wolves, which is pedestrian, but hell yeah Oregon has wolves (wolves who have never known the threat of a Viking's cruel axe)! Eastern Oregon is the Mountaineers, and we have mountains. Southern Oregon is the Red Tailed Hawk, and we have those, too. Linfield College's mascot is a Wildcat, which is so common a nickname that it was skewered by The Simpsons more than decade ago. But you can at least make the argument that Oregon, in all its UNBRIDLED ECOLOGICAL WILDNESS, is the home of several different kinds of wildcats.

Where the fuck are the Vikings?

WHERE ARE THE VIKINGS, PORTLAND STATE? WHY. THE FUCK. ARE YOU. THE VIKINGS? I TRIED GOOGLING THE ANSWER, AND GAVE UP AFTER 10 MINUTES.

Whatever the answer, there's no way I'm going to be okay with it. The guy who founded the college was probably just Swedish, and that's not enough for me. Unless Randy Moss traveled back through time and founded the school with money he was going to spend on fishing lures, I will not relent.

Portland State recently unveiled a redesign of their logo. It looks more modern now, but it's still a viking, so it's still dumb as fuck. As an alumnus of Portland State University, I'm furious, and won't rest until the mascot is changed to something that makes more sense (or until something on Twitter makes me mad and I forget all about this). Portland State is the college that's the MOST in Portland, so why don't we give it the most Portland mascot? I've got some suggestions.

The Brewers
★The Baristas
★The Landlords
★The Rasheed Wallaces
★The Millionaire Advertising Executives Complaining About How There Aren't Any Good Dive Bars Anymore
★The Preferred Pronouns
★The Rooftop Wind Turbines
★The Caucasian Drum Store Owners
★The That House That Everyone Says Modest Mouse Lives In Near That Tennis Courts
★The Wildcats