Ryan Alexander-Tanner

The human mind is only capable of forming so many opinions on its own. I don't have any science to back this benign claim—it's just something I know based on interactions with people.

Of course, everyone has hard opinions they've formed on their own. Starting with that basic survival shit. Am I healthy? Do I feel safe right now? Is there a tiger nearby, thirsty for my blood, free of malice, but full of danger? Then you climb the evolutionary ladder, and you have more opinions. What about this person I'm having sex with—should I keep having sex with them? Do they pass this weird potpourri of tests consisting of primordial physical checklists, inherited genetic biases, and learned-from-my-parents mental fuck-ups?

Then you climb the ladder some more, and the opinions become less and less important and concrete. Just to save yourself time, you have to trumpet other people's opinions. Do you really have an opinion about Jack in the Box, or are you just passing off something you heard about Jack in the Box that fits the narrative you're trying to pass off so certain people will want to have sex with/hire/do cocaine with you? I think it's the latter.

No trouble, though, because I'm here to tell you that a few of those opinions have been misguided. There are some things you think are trash that are actually good. Thank god that I, some total idiot, am here to guide you. Today, specifically, I want to talk about Subway.

Subway might be the most maligned fast food restaurant in the vastness of these United States. Everyone talks shit about Subway. People who eat at Taco Bell sober will talk shit about Subway. What is their charge? That Subway is gross. And yes, of course it's gross. Subway is very gross. The food all kind of smells the same, the meat is shiny in a kind of bone chilling way... I could go on. Every food is gross, though. All of it is gross, you just have to pick what kind of gross you want to eat.

Yeah, Subway's bread might have had yoga mat material in it. Maybe it did. Neither of us know for sure, 'cus we never read the whole article—we just read the headline.

Let's say it's true, though. That açaí bowl you're eating was made by someone in a polyamorous relationship that includes a man named Jade. Is that really less gross than yoga mat material? No. No it's not. Is Subway the worst place to buy a sandwich that isn't a gas station? Yes. Yes it is.

But stop thinking about it like a sandwich—just think of it as "Subway." You don't go to Taco Bell for an authentic mole, you go for "Taco Bell." Plus, aren't we being a little ungrateful? Subway changed the bread game forever. Before Subway, there were two types of bread: white and wheat. Now, you can get like nine types of bread everywhere. THANK YOU SUBWAY. Subway makes fresh baked cookies. THANK YOU SUBWAY. Subway introduced me to Sun Chips. SUN CHIPS. Go to Le Pigeon right now and try to get Sun Chips. They'll laugh you out of the building. Subway wouldn't do that.