Ryan Alexander-Tanner


There’s something extra terrifying about this Donald Trump presidential campaign. It's on a different level than previous Republican candidates. That's not just me, right? Or maybe now it's as scary to me (A HETERO WHITE MAN) as Republicans have always been to women/LGBTQ/people of color/people who are better educated than me. It's probably both, to be quite honest. The chillingest (this is a word now) part of Donald Trump is how unknown his potential horror remains.

It's like the political equivalent of finding some weird ass gigantic glowing egg. WHAT HORROR UNDULATES AND THROBS WITHIN? WHAT TERROR UNSPEAKABLE? 'Cus you know, it might be something completely awful, and it might just be kind of a fucked up lizard—except the lizard hates Muslims. Scarier still, if Trump loses, all these full-blown alt-right fucking Trump yutzes frothing at the mouth and gnashing their teeth and chanting insanity aren't going anywhere.

Instead of hyper-focusing on how terrifying this all is, maybe let's focus on some of the things that will be GOOD ACTUALLY if Donald Trump wins the election.

• The economy might collapse, but think about how good build-a-giant-wall stocks will perform. If you invested your money in build-a-giant-wall stocks, man, you're gonna be rich as hellfuck.

• Great memes. Think about how many great memes will be born from the fruitful loins of a Trump presidency. Maybe something like a pumpkin with crazy hair, and the pumpkin is like, "You bet!"—or whatever Donald Trump's catchphrase is.

• Rage Against the Machine will probably come back and maybe do a music video where it's protest footage spliced with a Trump puppet barfing war skeletons, and Tom Morello will play his guitar with a copy of Obama's birth certificate, or something crazy like that.

• It's gonna be a new golden age for double-breasted suits. Like right now Donald Trump is wearing normal suits, 'cus he wants to fool everyone—but you know in his heart he wants to be wearing a double-breasted suit with gold buttons. That shit is going to happen, and when it happens, the world will follow suit (professional writer). Say goodbye to the basic bitch world of Obamasuits (single-breasted suits), and say hello to luxury.

• Probably another Guernica painting.

• From the ashes of a brutalized, broken, humiliated and defeated civilization will arise a new culture with a new fun currency! Maybe it'll be seashells! That would be cute.  @IanKarmel