Ryan Alexander-Tanner

The following is an excerpt from Ian Karmel’s forthcoming book, Hillary and Hitler Both Start With the Letter H and If You Think That’s a Coincidence, You’re a Fucking Moron and Actually I’m Not Even Mad at You. Actually, I Just Pity You. Seriously, I Do. On Friday Nights Me and My Friends Sit Around and Feel Sympathy for You Because You’re Such a Fucking Idiot. Make America Great Again. Oh, and Just in Case You Were Wondering, the Hillary from Earlier Refers to Hillary Clinton, Not Some Other Hillary, Like the Older Sister From The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air or Two-Time Academy Award Winner Hillary Swank, Though She’s on My Shitlist For That Boys Don’t Cry Movie. What the Hell Was That About, Hillary Swank? Am I Supposed to Want to Plow You or Not? Or Is That All Part of Your Sick Liberal Game? Huh? Is That What Gets You Off, Swank? Tricking Hardworking, Red-Blooded American Men into Wanting to Plow Some Kind of He-She? Despicable and Un-American, Frankly. How Crazy Is It That Hillary Swank Was in The Next Karate Kid Though? If I Time Traveled Back to 1994, Found You, Put a Gun to Your Head and Said, ‘Okay, Does This Girl End Up Winning Two Academy Awards for Best Actress?’ No Way Are You Saying She Does. I Guess That’s Hollywood, Though, Huh? What Ever Happened to Hillary Swank, by the Way? It Feels Like She Should Be Working More. That’s the Curse of the Leading Actress, Though. Always More Talented Women Than Parts to Go Around. Or Maybe She’s Doing Kind of a Rick Moranis-Type Thing. Like, It’s Her Decision Not to Work. Good For Her, If That’s the Case, You Know? We Shouldn’t Be Shaming Women If They Just Want to Stay Home and Raise Some Kids! That Should Be an Option, Too! I Guess What Ultimately Worries Me Is That We’re Losing Touch with the America I Grew Up Loving. Sometimes I’ll Drive Through a Small Town and I’ll Think, ‘This Is It, This Is America, This Is What It’s All About, Little Pink Houses, Baby’ and It Seems More and More Like That Kind of America Is Vanishing. Hell, Maybe It Never Existed. Maybe I’ve Been Chasing Ghosts My Whole Life. Honestly, I Don’t Know What I Really Believe. I Got All Cranked Up on Gas Station Coffee and Started Writing This Book, but I Don’t Really Hate Hillary Clinton. Not Really. I’m Just Worried About What My Place Will Be in This New America. I’m Just Scared. I Think, Deep Down, I’m Just Not Good Enough to Compete, All Other Things Being Equal. I’m Scared That If You Give a Black Guy, or a Woman, or Whatever, a Friggin’ Purple People Eater, Whatever, an Even Playing Field, That I’ll Be Left Out in the Cold. That’s the Truth. Are You Happy? Are You Happy Now? I’m Actually Gonna Take Off. No, I’m Cool, I Just... Uh... I’m Just Gonna Head Home, available everywhere books are sold, September 13.

“...Liberalism is a disease!”