The weather outside may be frightful, but the BLAZERS are soooo delightful! And they really are, this year—especially watched from the luxurious privilege of your own, personal suite! So how'd you like to really pimp it up in style this Christmas in a ROSE GARDEN suite on December 27, for you and 21 friends? Watch the Blazers beat the lowly New Orleans Hornets from a kingly height! Plus, four garage passes are included—you just need to bring 22 sets of lungs and shout, "Go Blazers!" APPROXIMATE VALUE: $2,000!
There's no better way to get your high culture on than with this pair of flex passes to the PORTLAND INSTITUTE FOR CONTEMPORARY ART's annual Time-Based Art Festival (TBA). The passes grant unlimited access to all the amazing performances TBA has to offer: theater, dance, performance art, video installations... you name it, TBA's got it. And just so all your friends can see how cultured you really are, this package also includes a framed reproduction of Van Gogh's "Sunflowers" by METROPOLITAN MASTERPIECES (1124 SW Alder).
APPROXIMATE VALUE: $400
You've got youtubes, podcasts, Wiis, Zunes, and TiVos, but you know what the best thing in the world is? A good book. Scratch that—a ton of good books. What we have here for you is the ultimate booklovers package. To start: a one-year subscription to MCSWEENEY'S, the coolest literary magazine on the planet! PLUS: A one-year subscription to the Believer and to McSweeney's DVD magazine, Wholphin! DOUBLEPLUS: A sweet gift pack of McSweeney's coolest books, including a signed, first edition of Dave Eggers' What is the What. And that's not all! You'll also win signed copies of M.J. ZELLNIK's Murder at the Portland Variety and A Death at the Rose Paperworks, and Zellnik will include you as a character in her next novel. You can't win if you don't bid, folks.
RIDE THE TRAM WITH SAM
You watched the tram tower rise alongside the Ross Island Bridge. You grinned when you saw those two Swiss-made passenger-carrying bubbles arrive in town. Now, be one of the first people to ride the PORTLAND AERIAL TRAM, with a preview ride in mid January—before the system opens to the public! Bonus: Bring along 10 of your friends, including CITY COMMISSIONER SAM ADAMS who we're sure will give you all the behind-the-scenes scoop! APPROXIMATE VALUE: PRICELESS!
A GLOWING MERCURY FEATURE
Are you—or someone you love—tired of not being recognized for your awesomeness? Then bid for the opportunity for a glowing 1,200-word feature story in the Mercury—all about YOU (or your loved one)! We'll choose one of our finest writers to interview you, and drool about you in print. It's the perfect way to show all those haters that you're hot snot on china (while they are cold boogers on a paper plate).
LOCAL MUSIC PACKAGE
No matter how entrenched we are in the Portland music scene, sometimes even the best of us have trouble keeping up with the slew of sweet, sexy releases all these sweet, sexy record labels put out. But fret no more! The Mercury Local Music Package includes a massive collection of super killer stuff (CDs! Posters! T-shirts!) from MARRIAGE RECORDS, TIMESBOLD, PAGAN JUG BAND, HEROES AND VILLAINS, GREYDAY PRODUCTIONS, THE ARTISTERY, and more! So much more!
APPROXIMATE VALUE: SO MUCH!
FREE MOVIES, WILL OLDHAM, AND YOU
This package is approximately 383 times better than stupid Netflix. Can you say one year's worth of films at CINEMA 21 (616 NW 21st)? That's right—Portland's premier spot for foreign, independent, and documentary films will let you in at no charge all year long with this swanky pass. AND HERE'S A BIG PLUS! You'll have your own special RESERVED SEAT in the center of the theater, whenever you see a film there! WOW! Oh, and speaking of Cinema 21—our favorite film this year was Old Joy, starring Will Oldham (AKA Bonnie "Prince" Billy), shot right here in li'l old Portland. That's why we're tickled to throw in this limited-edition, silkscreened, frame-worthy OLD JOY poster signed by none other than WILL OLDHAM himself. APPROXIMATE VALUE: YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE ON IT!
ROSE CITY ROLLERS PASS
The ROSE CITY ROLLERS (rosecityrollers.com) had a stellar 2006 season, with sold-out crowds gawking as the four über-competitive all-girl teams battled it out over seven bouts. Next year's season is guaranteed to be just as smokin'. Be a part of it: From the March 24 season opener, through the September 29 championship, you'll have two guaranteed seats to some of the city's hottest events. See every last black eye, bloodied lip, and brutal brawl these ladies have to offer with these season passes!
HAMMY'S (2114 SE Clinton), the best new pizza shop in SE Portland, features delicious pies and a massive selection of fresh toppings, plus they deliver—until 4 am! And on Friday and Saturday nights, they offer pizza by the slice, a great amenity for the Clinton Street nightlife crowd. The highest bidder on this pizza party, though, doesn't have to leave the house—you'll get enough pizza, breadsticks, and soda for 20 people, delivered right to you! APPROXIMATE VALUE: $100
THE MUSIC BUSINESS
Ever heard of Los Angeles? It's a horrible den of filth where everyone lies, cheats, and steals to "get into the music business." Luckily, you're a Portlander and the music business is just an auction bid away! Play your cards right and you'll score two hours of face time with ace entertainment attorney PETER SHAVER and two more hours of streaming time (and an hour-long podcast) on the awesome internet radio voice of PDX, the PORTLAND RADIO AUTHORITY (praradio.com)! APPROXIMATE VALUE: LET'S JUST SAY "WOW."
A GLOWING MERCURY REVIEW
Have you, or someone you love, always wanted a positive review in the pages of the Mercury? Well here's a way to ensure that Adam Gnade won't dismiss your band, Erik Henriksen won't express disappointment in your film, nor will Chas Bowie decimate your self-esteem as an artist. Hell, even Alison Hallett won't say anything negative (and we all know how often that happens!). Give the gift of flattery this year with a 300-word, glowingly positive review of your band/book/theatrical performance (even if it includes mimes!)/movie/restaurant/art published in the Merc. Oh, you don't have a band/book/theatrical performance/movie/restaurant/art, you say? Whatever! We'll review your haircut, your joke, your car—whatever you want!