"JEB AND COLUMBA love whipping up guacamole on Sunday Funday. Now, you can get in on the act with this 'Guaca Bowle.'"
That "guaca bowle"—the name of which, tragically, one can only assume is meant to rhyme with "guacamole," and the surface of which, even more tragically, is debossed with "Jeb! 2016"—can be yours for a mere $75.
Or, at least, it could have been. Shortly after dropping out of the 2016 presidential race—and shortly after realizing that now, for him, every day is Sunday Funday—Jeb yanked his campaign merch from his website.
"Jeb's secret guacamole recipe not included... yet," read the final line of ad copy for the "guaca bowle." And now it will never be included. Now it will go with Jeb to his grave.
Yet 2016's remaining candidates soldier on, their bellies screaming with insatiable hunger for
guacamole power! Which means that even in a world without Jeb's guaca bowles, we have a bunch of other crap to buy.
Chillary Clinton Can Holder
Because if there's one thing Hillary Clinton is famous for, it's being super chill! "Be the coolest person at the party (with the coolest soda)," promises Clinton's sales team (CHELSEA), correctly noting that the coolest person at any party is whoever brought the Fresca. The Chillary can holders come in packs of two—either go H.A.M. and double-fist two Frescas, or give your extra to the one other person who's excited to vote for Clinton. $10, shop.hillaryclinton.com
Make America Great Again! Spirit Pom
Aside from NINETEEN variations of his "Make America Great Again" hat (in addition to classic red, it also comes in beanie and camouflage versions, as well as a visor, for extra-strength douchebags), Donald Trump's online store is... kinda disappointing? Shouldn't this guy be the king of tacky merch? Well, he's not, and I'm as disappointed about it as you are. I guess if you really want to buy something you could get some pompoms? (See? DISAPPOINTING.) $10, shop.donaldjtrump.com
Silent Majority Yard Sign
LOOK HOW FUCKING PISSED THIS EAGLE IS!!!!
probably because he can't talk
oh no. are...
are eagles the silent majority
Chop Down Debt Bumper Sticker
I guess it's fitting that John Kasich, the Republicans' most boring candidate, has the most boring store. Most of it consists of T-shirts that mumble "Kasich for Us," but before your eyes glaze over, check out his "Chop Down Our Debt" bumper sticker—which kind of implies Kasich knows karate? Two things: (1) If Kasich does know karate, he should be making a WAY bigger deal about it, and (2) if Kasich doesn't know karate, he should learn karate ASAP! That could really set him apart. America hasn't had a president who knows karate since Martin Van Buren. $5, store.johnkasich.com
Crazy Bernie's Discount Tote Bag Warehouse
At last, another thing Clinton and Bernie Sanders are in violent agreement about: They both know liberals can never have enough fucking tote bags. Bernie's totes have the edge here, by which I mean they're just as useless as normal tote bags, with the added bonus of being super annoying to read. There's the sold-out "Bernie's Schlep Bag," emblazoned with a slogan scientifically engineered to crack up everyone at New Seasons ("Schlepin' the Progressive Agenda... and Some Groceries Too!"), or there's the simpler, smugger "I'm Totes Votin' for Bernie." In six months, both will be recycled as gifts for NPR pledge drives. $27, store.berniesanders.com
This dog looks very sad, which, in turn, makes me very sad. This dog deserves a better home. Can I adopt this dog? I should adopt this dog. I wonder what made this dog so sad. Dogs are too stupid to read, so it can't be the humiliating words on his bandana. ("Ben Carson Fur President 2016" and "Heel. Inspire. Revive.") Dogs don't know what the internet is, so he can't be embarrassed about shilling for 2016's most astonishingly unqualified candidate. The more I think about it, the longer I'm forced to confront the horrific possibility that this dog is so sad because he had to shake hands with Ben Carson. $12.60, store.bencarson.com
Marco Rubio Is Bae T-Shirt
Right now you're thinking that this is the most depressing thing you've ever seen! And you're right! But that's only because you haven't read the sentence on the ordering page about how anyone who wants to exchange actual legal tender for a "Marco Rubio Is Bae" T-shirt should "please allow extra time for delivery due to high demand." $30, store.marcorubio.com
We "C" Ted Cruz for President Coloring and Activity Book
While every word that oozes from Ted Cruz's mouth sounds like a dark prophecy from a vengeful god, credit where credit's due: With the We "C" Ted Cruz for President coloring book, Cruz has found a fun, creative way to keep his supporters entertained—and teach them the alphabet. $10, store.tedcruz.org
The Everyday Pantsuit Tee
The Clinton camp (CHELSEA) claims this T-shirt brings "a whole new meaning to casual Friday"—but, like so many of Clinton's promises, that bold vow comes with a depressing disclaimer. This time, the small print reads, "Pantsuit bottoms not included." Wait. Is that what Clinton means by "a whole new meaning to casual Friday"? That I don't have to wear pants anymore? I hope so, because it's been entirely too long since we had a Clinton telling everybody it was okay to not wear pants at work. $30, shop.hillaryclinton.com
Ted Cruz Limited-Edition Christmas Sweater
This cheerful sweater features Ted Cruz's giant fucking head hovering above the White House, just like the alien spaceship in Independence Day! Ker-BOOM! But it's this sweater's cute, heartfelt details that seal the deal: two lethal snakes, each accompanied by the festive words "DON'T TREAD ON ME." Another fun fact about this sweater is that it's the last thing you'll see when you are being brutally stabbed to death by a serial killer. $65, store.tedcruz.org
Ted Cruz Fan Jersey
100 bucks says these are Ted Cruz's jammies. $50, store.tedcruz.org
Stitch by Stitch Throw Pillow
In 2016, Clinton has struggled to appeal to key voter groups: millennials, anyone who's ever heard of Libya, and Etsy's ironic cross-stitching community. NO LONGER! This embroidered throw will snazz up all those people's couches—provided they haven't lost their couches, and their homes, in the housing crisis created by Clinton's BFFs on Wall Street. (But seriously, if they haven't been forcibly evicted, they'll love this!) $55, shop.hillaryclinton.com
Marco Rubio's Pun Parade
The tragedy of Marco Rubio is the tragedy of Lieutenant Commander Data: He knows humor exists, and he wants to understand it, but his positronic brain isn't quite advanced enough to compute a punchline. Here are a few things that someone cruel has told Marco Rubio are "funny": a water bottle that reads, "Water Great Nation." A coffee mug that reads, "I Support Freedom of Espresso." A travel mug that reads, "Wake Up America!" A polo shirt called a "Marco Polo." And, of course, an iPhone case that reads, "Let Freedom Ring." Because it goes on a telephone, you see. Ha! Ha! That joke certainly is a "good" "one." $25-48, store.marcorubio.com
Ben Carson's Close-Out Madness!
Ben Carson's non-dog lifestyle items run the gamut from cosplay (the "Scrub Top" even includes a "Dr. Ben Carson" name tag, which may or may not be authentic enough to fool hospital security, which may or may not give you a chance to try your hand at pediatric surgery), to T-shirts riffing on the world's most tired phrase ("Keep Calm and Carson On"), to bumper stickers that tell everyone that hashtag you are a Christian (the bumper sticker that says "#IAmAChristian"). There's even a shirt that tells future sexual partners you're full of disease ("I Got a Fever and the Only Prescription Is More Carson!"). In related news, everything on Ben Carson's site seems to be heavily discounted? It's almost like he's having some kind of going-out-of-business sale? Weird. $17.50-24.50, store.bencarson.com
Buy Marco a Plane Ticket
Rubio's candidacy is starting to feel less like a presidential campaign and more like your crappy roommate's Kickstarter campaign. This item's rewards include "recognition on Twitter and our website during the day of Marco's trip," and "A postcard from Marco's travel, signed by Marco and the team"—but your real reward is knowing you helped Rubio fly far, far away from DC and miss even more votes in the Senate. $500, store.marcorubio.com
At some point, a genius realized the word "Cruz" shares two whole letters with "coozie," so now, here's a thing that exists on our planet: "Cruzies." About 50 percent of Ted Cruz's store is "Cruzies," including ones that ask, "Are you ready for some Cruzball?" (I... guess?) Always happy to pander to shit-faced gun nuts, Cruz even sells camouflage "Cruzies." Those are probably the ones I'd order, because everyone knows the best part of crackin' a cold brewski with some buds is setting down your beer for two seconds and then NEVER BEING ABLE TO FIND IT AGAIN $20, store.tedcruz.org
"Caution: Contents May Cause a Serious Bern" Coffee Mug
Let's be clear: This mug isn't funny. But it's going to be even less funny when some sad old Bernie bro tries to use it but spills his extra-hot caramel latte all over his faded Bad Religion tattoo and starts screaming and screaming as his skin boils, as steam rushes from his raw muscle, as globs of yellow fat hiss and pop and oh god the blood just keeps coming and he screams, writhing on the street, he writhes and screams and writhes and screams and writhes and screa— $15, store.berniesanders.com
STOP THE LIBERAL MEDIA! Bumper Sticker
To think! All it took to shut me up was a bumper sticker! $3.50, store.bencarson.com