GOATS "Hey, these plants aren't real." Image Entertainment

Also read our exclusive interview with Renaissance man David Duchovny.


The Dawn of Duchovny (1960)
David Duchovny is born in New York City, changing our world forever.

The Days of Academe (1982-1986)
Duchovny graduates from Princeton with a Bachelor of Arts in English literature, naming his senior thesis The Schizophrenic Critique of Pure Reason in Beckett’s Early Novels. He goes on to earn a Master of Arts in English literature from Yale before putting aside his doctoral thesis, Magic and Technology in Contemporary Fiction and Poetry, to pursue acting. Academia’s loss is Earth’s gain.

The Löwenbräu Era (1987)
Duchovny lands his first acting role. His ad for Löwenbräu beer is so amazing that it immediately puts all other beer companies out of business.

The Temptations of Denise (1990-1991, 2017)
David Lynch’s cult TV series Twin Peaks intoxicates the nation, largely due to Duchovny’s role as the beautiful and sly DEA Agent Denise Bryson, who uses her powers of seduction for good.

The Red Shoe Years (1992-1997)
Duchovny plays “Jake Winters,” who sensually and erotically presents the Red Shoe Diaries’ sensual and erotic tales of sensuality and eroticism.

The Mulder Administration (1993-2002, 2008, 2015-2016)
The X-Files is humankind’s greatest television show and Duchovny is the best part of it.

The Heartthrob Epoch (1994-∞)
“After two seasons on the air, Duchovny has become the hottest sci-fi sex symbol since that bald guy with the British accent on the Enterprise,” squeals a 1995 profile in Entertainment Weekly, noting that when Duchovny appeared in a “teeny-weeny male bikini” on The X-Files, he “nearly triggered a meltdown of the internet” as “fans burned up the computer lines with heavy-breathing emails.” Duchovny demurs. “I think it was Roland Barthes,” he casually tells EW while eating a yam. “He wrote that the camera eroticizes whatever it looks at, just by making it the focus of its gaze.... That changes the way people see me. But it has nothing to do with me—it has to do with the camera.”

A Time of Evolution (2001)
Alongside Seann William Scott and Julianne Moore, Duchovny stars in Ivan Reitman’s Evolution—a film that reportedly kept him from accepting a role in the Star Wars prequels. (Hey, Disney: Put David Duchovny in the next Star Warses! He’s done making Evolution now!)

A Decade and a Half of Celebrities in Jeopardy! (1995-2010)
Duchovny appears twice on Celebrity Jeopardy!, and also on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? On Millionaire, the conniving Regis Philbin cruelly attempts to ensnare Duchovny, asking, “Which of the following is not one of the characters in the Broadway musical Cats?” But despite never even having seen Cats, Duchovny correctly answers “Sassafras!” Fuck you, Regis! Also, in 1998, Duchovny plays Jeff Goldblum on a Celebrity Jeopardy! sketch on Saturday Night Live, and the universe begins to fold in upon itself.

Nights of Sex and the City (2003)
Duchovny plays one of Carrie’s exes! Their relationship didn’t work out, probably because Duchovny seems like a Carrie! Such a Carrie.

Days in the House of D (2004)
Duchovny writes, directs, and stars—alongside Téa Leoni, Anton Yelchin, and Robin Williams—in House of D, which screens at the Tribeca Film Festival, but is, sadly, not about Duchovny’s actual house.

The Californication Period (2007-2014)
Californication runs for seven seasons and nets Duchovny, who stars as moody novelist Hank Moody, his second Golden Globe. Duchovny has yet to win every single other award, but he will. He will.

Age of the Goat Man (2012)
Duchovny plays “Goat Man,” a “weed-smoking goat trekker and botanist,” in the film Goats.

The Epoch of Literature (2015-2016)
Duchovny pens two novels: Holy Cow: A Modern-Day Dairy Tale, in which a cow, turkey, and pig go to Jerusalem, and Bucky Fucking Dent, which the New York Times calls “an unexpected home run.” Duchovny also narrates a Dungeons & Dragons audio book, To Legend He Goes: A Tale from the Legend of Drizzt, a tale of the barbarian Wulfgar—son of Beornegar, hero of Icewind Dale, and companion to Regis the Halfling and Drizzt Do’Urden.

The Ages of Rock (2015)
Duchovny releases his debut album, Hell or High Water. He’s coming to Portland to play some of it! EEEEEEE!

The Mercury Era (2017)
For its February 15, 2017 issue, David Duchovny grants an interview to the Portland Mercury, thus ensuring the Mercury will peak with its February 15, 2017 issue. As a result, this is the final issue of the Portland Mercury. Goodbye!