"The plume of bad stuff during a rain or overflow event is confined to the Eastside, and soon that's going to be dialed down." is not an argument to swim in the Willamette river. Enjoy your pathogens.

To anyone participating in this thing, say hi to Blinky for me.

"Shortly after being told how to pronounce the Willamette, we're told to never—never—dip a toe in its noxious waters."
It really is a shame all you fucking pussies moved to Oregon.

"There are bad things in the sediment, and if they get stirred up then they can find themselves in the food chain, and that's why there are fish consumption advisories. If we, as humans, eat a lot of those fish, that's where authorities get concerned."
Oh no! "We" as humans have been shitting in our food supply since the beginning of TIME. Nothing new to see here.

Otherwise, good write-up.

Linc Mann-"How do we test the water quality for safety?"

Rick Bastasch-"Human Guinea Pigs."

Mann-"What? To round up 2000 people and throw them into the river. That's unethical even if they were homeless"

Bastasch-"We'll make the town folk think it's an event."

Mann-"An event?"

Bastasch-"We'll call it The Big Float. And they will pay US to do it! We'll tease them to register with promise of alcohol and a rock concert. They'll never suspect that they are all a part of our vile experiment to...TEST THE WATER QUALITY OF THE WILLAMETTE RIVER ON HUMANS! HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!!""

Mann-"HARDY HAR HAR HAR HAR!"

Scene change. Outside. Raining hard. Mann and Bastasch continue evil laughing. Mind's eye pans in on a drain pipe spewing brown sludge and needles which settle onto the bottom of the river. Scrounch, the local sea monster made of shit, blackberry bushes and tires swims menacingly by.

"We" as humans have been shitting in our food supply since the beginning of TIME. However, the things that are new here are the result of "progress" ushered in by the industrial revolution and the marvels of modern chemistry. Those things are very bad indeed.

Did you know the diet of farm raised Tilapia ( used in fish taco's EVERYWHERE) is striped bass shit? They drain the "shat in" water from the farmed bass into the Tilapia tanks where the stupid fish eat their neighbors crap. Saving the "Aqua Farmer" tons of money and feeding stupid trendy yuppies swimming turds.
SOOOOO. as a person who learned to fish in Johnson creek and the Willamette... I would rather swim in the Willamette any day than watch another fool eat another turd taco.
Give Willie The Willamette monster a kiss for me..