Portland as Fuck - Portland Mercury | Comments

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1

"most things i worry about never happen anyway" -- tom petty

Joe Hieronymus on September 19, 2012 at 2:06 PM

2

I was directed to this article because it was tagged with "Frida Kahlo tatoos" and I am 100% satisfied.

Carson Creecy on September 19, 2012 at 2:19 PM

3

Ian Karmel is Portland as Fuck. Please make the a regular thing

makeyouclaptothis on September 19, 2012 at 2:28 PM

4

I LOVE THIS SO MUCH.

jriley on September 19, 2012 at 2:40 PM

5

You need a regular column every week.

on September 19, 2012 at 3:01 PM

6

Nice Mos Eisley reference - you're alright by me, Karmel.

Rain Brain Trivia on September 19, 2012 at 3:19 PM

7

way to sneak in the Breakfast at Tiffany's reference. Solid gold!

Joe Pierce on September 19, 2012 at 4:16 PM

8

33 years of Portland have made me jaded. This article has awoken something with its fabulousness. Thank you, Ian Karmel.

Emiloo on September 19, 2012 at 4:32 PM

9

it's all right, most people who are from portland are actually from beaverton

on September 19, 2012 at 4:36 PM

10

I'm pretty sure it's Mapplethorpe's bullwhip up the ass that's "Portlandy," not his penis, but that's all the fact-checking I'm going to do.

Todd Mecklem on September 19, 2012 at 8:54 PM

11

The article is entertaining, but the photo is f'ed. Who thought it was good idea to subscribe to typical hollywood bullsh*t and put a overweight dud with a pin up. Get a clue yo.

on September 19, 2012 at 11:25 PM

12

Its an article about strippers and donuts, thats Ian Karmel, the guy who wrote the article.

Ian Karmel on September 20, 2012 at 1:00 AM

13

You make me proud to have been a San Francisco stripper probably before you were born. Now I am in Portland, and I am pretty damned Portlandy. Plus you were the emcee when I did open mike at Helium and that's some tasty shit going on there. Less greasy and more satisfying than a doo doo donut! Yeah, I am a mega food snob...best pizza's in Jersey and best donuts, hands and pants down...are @Stan's in Westwood California. I mean the Reese's peanut butter filled chocolate fucking special is something Elvis is flying in by the baker's dozen to his grave site in Graceland as I write this. If you doubt me, I will order up a FedEx 13 pack to go from Stan and you and your stand up buddies can do a circle jerk of lard and sugar consumption consumer testing to make your own assessment. In the meantime, put a bird on it, cause hey yeah, it's cool to be over trending. It's so fucking Portlandy, just like this big kid comic I know whose name sounds like a British candy store. xx o

Poppy Oliver on September 20, 2012 at 3:44 AM

14

Funny stuff, great packaging. Would read again. A+

WhatFreshHell on September 20, 2012 at 7:11 AM

15

I had to move away from Portland. I know live in a horrible place called the Bible belt. People don't believe or understand when I get drunk and rant about my magical homeland. Strippers here are sad and usually have 3 kids with the two guys in the front row. I pay them out of shame and to give them hope. the closest doughnuts are a crispy cream 45 minutes away and they treat u like scum cuss they know you drove 45 minutes for a doughnut and you won't say or do shit. I miss home. Thank you for the article it was beautiful. Keep writing please .

Ash on September 20, 2012 at 8:07 AM

16

I would love this as a regular column!

Casey Whitlatch-Carter on September 20, 2012 at 8:22 AM

17

It's so funny because he says "fuck" so much! I can't stop laughing at that... Oh, let me wipe the tears away from my eyes.

on September 20, 2012 at 8:27 AM

18

I won't tolerate another word against the photo.

Commenty Colin on September 20, 2012 at 8:34 AM

19

Voodoo doughnuts is like, whatever. But it is Portland because a former member of Big Daddy Meatstraw owns it.

And that is Portland as fuck. (I am an old lady.)

tcraighenry on September 20, 2012 at 9:17 AM

20

I work with tourists every day. They go apeshit over Voodoo. Predictably, Voodoo backlash festers deeply within my own black heart. "Shut up about the fucking donuts," I keep thinking, "they're not even good donuts."

Mr. Karmel, you've made me very slightly less jaded. I remain continually annoyed at Voodoo Doughnuts the Scene, but if that particular location on 3rd and Ankeny were to be replaced with a Shari's or a meth lab, I would probably feel something approximating sadness. Thank you.

Also, hooray for strip clubs.

Joe Streckert on September 20, 2012 at 9:54 AM

21

I feel like it was funny because of all the other stuff and it says "fuck" a lot because that's how I talk, but you gotta make it through the day, too "Person" so keep on shining. Fuck.

Ian Karmel on September 20, 2012 at 9:57 AM

22

Ian Karmel, the thing about you is that you are fucking perfect. You can talk whatever smack you want because you are a complete sweetie pie and because you say "ladies and gentlemen" a lot when you are doing stand up.
p.s. this is the first comment I have ever posted.

Sara Daley on September 20, 2012 at 12:32 PM

23

Great stuff, laughed multiple times. My one criticism, you're a damn misogynist! No, just kidding. My problem? I was hoping for a little critisim of that sacred cow known as Voodoo doughnuts. It's a weird tourist trap. It is an institution and I bring everyone who visits me there, but really, it's not that special when you get down to the nitty gritty. It's like some old bush everyone just has to come see and pet.

WhatstheStory on September 20, 2012 at 12:48 PM

24

Some of the worst kind of people go to the Voodoo donuts DT.

All the 'real' Portlanders go to the 1501 NE Davis st. location. If they even go at all.
Personally; the stale coco puffs donuts are not that -great-; they're pretty fucking nasty.
You'll get stale donuts at the DT location and at NE; there's noway around it.
Honestly; I've had better donuts from 7/11.

chicostix on September 20, 2012 at 2:19 PM

25

Where do you get coke in Portland? Who is doing the all american drug? I always hear about people snorting the-gift-of-the-sun but where is this mythical snow? Need to know
by next week, I have a group of friends that would like to have the cocaine blues all weekend from a fabulous friday night and we have no idea where to score? Should we start at Voo Doo or The Dancin Bare?

Xanna on September 20, 2012 at 2:20 PM

26

Karmel-by-the-C-Cup

Todd Mecklem on September 20, 2012 at 3:20 PM

27

This article should be printed and framed.

Fruit Cup on September 20, 2012 at 3:24 PM

28

This is a good point, even if you don't necessarily need to EAT Voodoo, you should probably at least see it. It's next to a damn porno theater with hentai Fridays.

If you like the Apple Fritter, Memphis Mafia is pretty damn good too, though over the top. Their plain blueberry cake one is good too.

Aestro on September 20, 2012 at 3:49 PM

29

Ian looks like Jack Black and Jimmy Kimmel's butt baby.

stjohnsrules on September 20, 2012 at 4:22 PM

30

Thank you!

Ian Karmel on September 20, 2012 at 5:10 PM

31

Real Portlanders get Voodoo Doughnuts in Eugene. I have never seen more than five people in line, and usually there aren't any.

lysenko on September 20, 2012 at 7:00 PM

32

If only there was a Voodoo Donuts strip club.

AlaskanNow on September 20, 2012 at 7:30 PM

33

Karmel, apples.

Todd Mecklem on September 20, 2012 at 7:59 PM

34

strip clubs? montreal

on September 20, 2012 at 8:36 PM

35

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDGlN6mluGA

Andy Mesa on September 21, 2012 at 12:41 AM

36

Withnipples and Ian

Todd Mecklem on September 21, 2012 at 8:30 AM

37

Ian, I fully accept the notion that you are Portland As Fuck.

stjohnsrules on September 21, 2012 at 10:21 AM

38

I really enjoyed reading this, and I agree about the strip club scene. I once hung out with arch-feminists who demonized strippers as evil people, and strip-club goers as sexual deviants - over time this turned me off to strip clubs entirely. I haven't gone to a strip club in years, and reading your piece just reminded me of all the non-sexual hilarity that happens there.

I just want to give Ian a big hug. Thank you, Ian. Thank you.

fidelity_axiom on September 21, 2012 at 11:23 AM

39

This article is so stupid. It reduces Portland to just two very tired cliches. C'mon, dude. You forgot Powell's.

tODD on September 21, 2012 at 12:02 PM

40

What, the model has no face?

Mag on September 21, 2012 at 1:57 PM

41

L to R: box, "Big Pink"; dear; big; big pink box; deer.

Todd Mecklem on September 21, 2012 at 4:24 PM

42

I fucking love you. As an NEP native, Just today, I was similarly lamenting the loss of businesses and landmarks that I deem truly Portland (specifically a former discount food store located in inner SE which is now Nostrana), and how many of the businesses popping up in their place actually infuriate me, because they are so fucking boring, and they only represent and repeatedly remind me of what is lost. Agreed on all counts, right down to the doughnut line and the club scene. (frumpy female, 39, Andrea Dworkin-disliking, self-identified sex-positive feminist)

on September 21, 2012 at 6:41 PM

43

Also, neither owner was ever in Big Daddy Meat Straw, but Tres was co-owner of the X-Ray where BDMS played, and where frontman Vince worked as a doorman.

on September 21, 2012 at 6:52 PM

44

I still detest Beaverton
HWY 217 gives me thoughts of suicide
Not sure if it’s the roads or the non-drivers that block them?

Get a good donut and enjoy eating it .....
Joes in Sandy!
Stay on your side of town bitches..

Jon Jones on September 22, 2012 at 1:23 PM

45

I'd rather dive into that rack in the picture

on September 22, 2012 at 4:41 PM

46

"Fun is what Portland strip clubs are all about." Yes, FUN + the sweet sour sadness of the solo dancer on a Tuesday afternoon watching her 20s slip away one dingy dollar bill at a time scraped across scuffed marmoleum.

on September 23, 2012 at 6:31 PM

47

whoa, hawthse -- didn't know what 'marmoleum' was before.....thanks for that.....(seriously.)

(the mercury comments section is pretty fucking educational sometimes.)

human in training on September 23, 2012 at 9:54 PM

48

When my wife and I got married at the 24-hour Church of Elvis, Stephanie paraded the whole wedding party through Powells. You could just feel the hatred pouring off of every patron there. Not sure which was more Portlandy, the wedding or the loathing we got at that pretentious used bookstore.

rjmacadaeg on September 24, 2012 at 7:49 AM

49

I am very upset that some one has to comment on Portland being F--k. I don't care if they think it is a joke. It's not funny to me at all. It is disrespectful and rude. Maybe the dictionary would come in handy to find other words.
Cynthia Armstrong - Kelso, WA

on September 24, 2012 at 10:33 AM

50

cindy:

i'm sure it was just a simple mistake -- i'm sure the author meant to type 'portland as making love'.

human in training on September 24, 2012 at 10:45 AM

51

The editor wouldn't let me call it "Portland as Gosh" because he masturbates.

Ian Karmel on September 24, 2012 at 12:28 PM

52

Really thought he'd go off on a lot more than doughnuts and strippers. What about Powells? What about the Pearl? What about the Bubblers?

Also, when does 'as fuck' become the hipster catchphrase to avoid? It's annoying as fuck.

on September 24, 2012 at 1:17 PM

53

Enjoyed the article... have to say, I am OVER Voodoo donuts. The scene is mildly entertaining, but the donuts are mediocre at best. Strongly suggest you mosey back out to Beaverton and try Sesame donuts. Those guys can rock a fritter. They even have mini-fritters so you can have a fix, without getting a stomachache...

on September 24, 2012 at 2:14 PM

54

Oh perfect. Let's just crop out the model's face entirely cuz all we really care about is boobs right guy?!? Good ole' Merc - keep on alienating a good portion of your readership in order to be cool as Fuck. Thinly veiled sexism is certainly Portland MERCURY and Fuck!

on September 24, 2012 at 4:01 PM

55

THE MERCURY MADE ME POSE WITH A BOX OF DONUTS. THEY OBJECTIFIED A FAT PERSON. PLUS, THEY MADE ME PUT MY FACE IN THE PICTURE SO EVERYONE WOULD KNOW EXACTLY WHO THIS FAT, SWEATY, BUTTERSCOTCH DRUNK WAS. THEY ONLY HAD ME POSE WITH BREASTS TO HIGHLIGHT HOW I ALSO HAVE BREASTS.

Ian Karmel on September 24, 2012 at 4:17 PM

56

Thank you! As a stripper, it was great to see that our outrageous brand of Portland entertainment is appreciated.

Elle Stanger on September 24, 2012 at 7:06 PM

57

Annie's Donuts are both more Portland and more delicious than Voodoo Donuts. This article is "Portland as Fuck," if by that you mean lazy and senseless.

Mike A. on September 24, 2012 at 9:26 PM

58

We're also known for breweries. We have strip clubs. We have doughnuts. We have breweries.

WHY (?!?!?) hasn't anyone thought to open up a strip club brewery that serves doughnuts?!?!

Geoffrey Norman on September 24, 2012 at 10:58 PM

59

You've lived in Portland for this long and all you've found to do are donuts and strip clubs. Very pathetic, Ian. If we all start to act this way, you'll soon see Portland as the new scene for fat donut-eating people drooling at coked-out strippers. Gross.

on September 25, 2012 at 9:24 AM

60

I'm adding to the "give Ian a regular column, or article or whatever" petition. Ian, you breathe new, nostalgic life into things that should never have started to feel mundane. Thank you.

Annie on September 25, 2012 at 10:37 AM

61

Based on this one article, I would happily go see you perform, Ian. Thanks!

Bruce Kroeze on September 25, 2012 at 12:48 PM

62

First, thank you all for your kind words. You can come see me October 4th at the Hollywood Theatre.

Second, did you even read the fucking article "4". you for-goddamned bozo? It's about taking on Portland cliche's with fresh eyes. How come everybody else understood that and you don't? Go eat all the bullets you can find.

Ian Karmel on September 25, 2012 at 3:49 PM

63

That's another thing: can't find any fucking bullets in this town!

on September 26, 2012 at 11:21 AM

64

THANK YOU. jesus, the fritters at voodoo are the only reason to stand in that fucking bridge and tunnel line. ian, you're classic as fuck.

on September 30, 2012 at 10:34 AM

65

Yes, you have fresh eyes and all you take in from our great city is donuts & damaged strippers.. well good luck to you! How pathetic. For the record, I've seen you at Helium and I thought you were great, but if articles like this (and rude comments from you) are what you are becoming then please don't let the door hit you.

Most people appreciate original humor, not tired cliches and tons of "fuck" filler words for all the vocab words you don't know how to use.

on October 9, 2012 at 4:28 PM

66

I would like to point out that Ian appears, on first glance, to have six fingers in that photo, and I found that very disturbing. And tantalizing.

on October 13, 2012 at 11:54 AM

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