ALIEN VS PREDATOR Rumble in the oxygen-deprived jungle.

Alien vs. Predator
dir. Anderson
Opens Fri Aug 13
Various Theaters

POINT:

Alien Will Bitch Slap Predator and Then Rip Predator's Dick Off by Erik Henriksen

I shouldn't even have to write this, because everybody already knows that Alien is totally going to kick Predator's pansy ass. While the esteemed Wm. Steven Humphrey might try to convince you otherwise, know that his pro-Predator stance is merely a byproduct of his marked lack of intelligence, exacerbated by his thrice-daily paint huffing sessions.

I mean, everything that the dreadlock-wearing Predator has, Alien has, too. Let's look at Predator's flaws, which Mr. Humphrey will doubtless attempt to spin as "attributes." Weird mouth? Alien's got two! Camouflage so crappy even Helen Keller could spot it? Alien's too damn sneaky to need camouflage! Armor? Well, no... but go ahead. Try to hurt Alien. Hope you enjoy getting splattered with acid blood! A wrist-mounted "atom bomb" that doesn't kill anything? Shit, don't waste Alien's valuable time. Plus, there's more:

Integrity. Alien doesn't cheat--unlike Predator, who needs stupid lasers and mechanical claws.

Saliva. Alien drools a lot, which will probably make Predator slip and fall.

No dreadlocks. Alien's smart enough to know that unless you're Bob Marley, dreadlocks just make you look retarded.

In addition, there are like 50 ways Alien could get you. First, there's the face-hugger, those phallic spidery things that jump on your face and lay eggs in your throat. Survive that? Well, don't get too excited--because then Baby Alien hatches... through your stomach, jackass! In the extremely unlikely event you survive that, Baby Alien quickly grows into a vicious, eight foot tall Alien Warrior! Then, Alien Warrior can call an Alien Queen, who's HUGE, VERY FAST, and BITCHY. And at any point, the Queen can LAY MORE EGGS and start the whole cycle up again!

Predator, I hope you like looking like a retard and getting your dick ripped off, because that's exactly what Alien is going to do.

COUNTERPOINT:

The Predator Will Cut Off Alien's Stupid Head and Crap Down its Stupid Neck. Booyah! by Wm. Steven Humphrey

Erik Henriksen, you poor naíve fool. My colleague's hypothesis, that "Predator is going to get his dick ripped off," overflows with youthful ignorance. Yes, Alien is vicious, has metal-melting blood, and an even meaner mini-Alien living in her mouth. And still? Predator is going to put his foot so far up Alien's ass, Alien will be tasting shoe leather for a week.

Though strong and agile, Alien is bereft of certain attributes, such as:

* Turning invisible. Alien is about as inconspicuous as a donkey with an angry hornet wedged in its bottom. Conversely, Predator can blend into any background, wait for the lumbering oaf to stumble by, and... WHAMMO! Goodnight, you drooling slob.

* Heat detecting telescopic vision. Alien has two normal eyeballs (four if you count the mini-alien inside her mouth). Nevertheless, a fat lot of good those will do when your invisible opponent can see you coming a mile away. And unless Alien knows enough to disguise its heat signature as Arnold did in Predator... WHAMMO! Alien, you just got served.

* Shoulder mounted laser beams and Wolverine-like claws. After blowing a hole through Alien with his shoulder mounted laser beams, Predator can rip out the spinal cord and miniscule brain of his adversary using his Wolverine-like titanium claws. Afterwards he will add Alien's cranium to his collection of intergalactic skulls, which he keeps in a china cabinet back home. Oh... I almost forgot. WHAMMO!

* Carries own atom bomb. "An atom bomb that doesn't kill anything"? Why don't you say that to the victims of Hiroshima, Erik? Okay, let's ignore Erik's unbelievable insensitivity, as well as the fact that Predator is an incredibly intelligent hunter, who skins his victims alive, and hops through the trees like a monkey. Predator still has a trump card: A wristwatch/atom bomb that, in the movie, wiped out a good portion of Columbia. Yes, Arnold narrowly avoided being vaporized by hiding behind a tree trunk--but Alien should remember one thing: THERE AIN'T NO TREE TRUNKS IN SPACE, BEEEE-YATCH!