FAT ALBERT Suicide is never the answer.

Fat Albert
dir. Zwick Opens Sat Dec 25
Various Theaters

[Editor's Note: Though not normally the policy of the Mercury to allow those closely associated with a film to review their own movie, as Mr. Mushmouth was an original member of Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, we felt it appropriate to allow him to weigh in with his expert opinion.]

"Heybuh ebuhbobby! Ibuh abuh honbuhnor tobuh bebuh abuhsked tobuh wribuhte thisbuh reviewbuh forbuh Fabbuh Albuhbuh. Thebuh stobuhry rebuhvolves buhround abuh "realbuh" girlbuh nambuh Dorbuhis (Kyla Pratt), whobuh habuh probuhlems fibuhting inbuh atbuh schoolbuh. Ubuhset, Dorbuhis wabuhches herbuh fbuhorite carbuhtoon Fabbuh Albuhbuh anbuh thbuh Cosbuhby Kibuhbids. Herbuh tearbuhs fallbuh onbuh thebuh rebuhmote conbuhtrol andbuh... voila! Fabbuh Albuhbuh (Kenan Thompson) jumpbuh outbuh thebuh tebuhlision anbuh helpbuh Dorbuhis wibuh herbuh probuhlem. Buht Fabbuh Albuhbuh likbuhs Dorbuhis' beaubuhful sisbuhter (Dania Ramiriz)--whichbuh caubuhses probuhlems whenbuh thebuh gangbuh staybuhs outbuh ofbuh theirbuh carbuhtoon toobuh longbuh. Anywaybuh, fubuhnny thingbuhs habuhppen, anbuh Fabbuh Albuhbuh isbuh abuh fubuhnny, sweebuht stobuhry forbuh kibuhds whobuh likebuh carbuhtoons. Thankbuh youbuh andbuh Ibuh abuhpologize forbuh mybuh speebuhch inbuhpedbuhment. Buhbye-buhbye."

[Editor's Note: To translate, Mr. Mushmouth is delighted to have this opportunity, and explains the mise en scène thusly: Lonely schoolgirl Doris (Kyla Pratt) mourns the death of her grandfather, and her very own tears call forth Fat Albert (Kenan Thompson) and friends from the television. Vowing to bring her problem to an agreeable solution, Albert sets out to secure playmates for Doris--however, these cartoon characters are veritable fish out of water in the real world, and soon find themselves in a series of light-hearted predicaments. Trouble brews when Albert pursues his amorous intentions with Doris' beautiful foster sister (Dania Ramiriz), and the gang finds themselves fading away because of their lengthy respite from the cartoon world.

While Mr. Mushmouth found the film to be both "sweet" and "funny" for "little kids," it should be noted that anyone over the age of three may want to bring along a sharpened object capable of carrying out a self-inflicted frontal lobotomy, as there is not an ounce of irony or adult humor in the entire film. Oh, and he also apologizes for his speech impediment.]