Danny Hellman
It used to be that celebrities specialized in one thing: singing, or dancing, or acting, or getting belligerently drunk and arrested. With today's crop of rambunctious teens, however, "specialization" is out, and "multi-platforming" is in. "Multi-platforming"--putting out media in various formats, hoping that consumers will purchase multiple versions of celebrity branded entertainment--has proven so profitable that what can be termed "cute warfare" has become the status quo, with various teen celebrities branching out to different formats and attacks in a stunning display of marketable versatility. "Cute warfare" takes place on an ever-shifting battlefield; one that's infinitely dark, dangerous, and catty. To help parents and non-teens make sense of this battlefield, the Portland Mercury Dept. of Teen Affairs presents this, a rare glimpse into our heretofore classified Teen Mega-Stars Case Files.

Age: 19
Data: Largely famous amongst teens as "the uglier sister" (see DUFF, HILARY), Duff's appearance in several episodes of her sister's sitcom have paved the way for a musical album of her own (see HILTON, PARIS). More importantly, the older Duff's actions serve as the opening volley for her entrance into the teen queen catfight--with the multi-platforming of multiple Duffs, America's teens could soon enter a period marked by the history books as the "Duff Dynasty."

Age: 17
Data: Starred in Lizzie McGuire before moving on to film roles in Agent Cody Banks and The Lizzie McGuire Movie and an album, Metamorphosis. Of late, she's moved on to films such as Cheaper By the Dozen and A Cinderella Story, all while maintaining the brand value of McGuire via GameBoy Advance videogames such as Lizzie McGuire: On the Go! Arguably the current teen queen, Duff is also, by far, the more powerful member of the "Duff Dynasty" (see DUFF, HAILEY).

Age: 24
Data: First and foremost a socialite, the heiress to the Hilton Hotel fortune skyrocketed to national fame when she costarred with the similarly loaded Nicole Ritchie on The Simple Life. Her fame was further cemented with a heavily downloaded, night-vision-filmed sex scene that established the "Paris Brand" in the highly lucrative adult market--a market that no other teen star has yet penetrated. Not satisfied with television or creepy internet porn dominance, her upcoming debut album, Paris Is Burning, was announced along with her own record label, Heiress Records. In a shocking move that might imply advanced reconnaissance and propaganda tactics, the aforementioned DUFF, HAYLIE (see file) insists that Paris' leaked single, "Screwed," is actually hers.

Age: 18
Data: First and foremost a film actress, Lohan first appeared in 1998's The Parent Trap remake, working her way up to Mean Girls which ensured her box office power. Currently filming a Herbie remake in which the Volkswagen bug goes to NASCAR, rumors refuse to stop swirling about Lohan's steps into the music world--rumors bolstered by Lohan's recordings for her films' soundtracks. Could Lohan's musical leanings be a challenge to the multi-platform dominance of her nemesis, DUFF, HILARY (see file)? Indeed, this could be one more example of what today's teens call "steppin'."

Age: 20
Data: Released an eponymous album in 2001, followed by 2003's Coverage. Then switched to film work, most notably with teen-friendly A Walk To Remember, How To Deal, Chasing Liberty, and Saved! As an actress, Moore currently possesses what teenagers call "street cred," though her multi-platform presence has taken several hits due to her film specialization. To counter this, Moore is currently dating VALDERRAMA, WILMER, who plays "Fez" on That '70s Show (though it should also be noted that Valderrama has not yet announced any intent to release an album).

Age: 19
Data: Became famous as "Ozzy's Daughter" on the reality show The Osbournes. Osbourne's albums Shut Up and Changes set the template for crossing from reality TV to music, though she has currently been supplanted in said regard (see HILTON, PARIS).

Age: 19
Data: Famous for her appearances on the Christian family drama 7th Heaven, Simpson (the younger sister of SIMPSON, JESSICA [see file]), has recently released her album Autobiography and stars on her own reality show, The Ashlee Simpson Show. Together, the Simpson girls are a powerful force, but negligible when compared to the Duff Dynasty (see DUFF, HAYLIE and HILARY).

Age: 24
Data: Began singing Christian music as a teen before releasing albums and graduating to TV stardom via Newlyweds, which she starred in with her husband, 98 Degrees' LACHEY, NICK. Thanks to the infamous soundbites from Newlyweds, now enjoys a lucrative multi-platform career as a singer, TV star, commercial actress, and professional dumb blonde.