The 6th Day
Arnold Schwarzenegger stars as a goose-steppin' kraut who gets his Aryan panties in a bunch when scientists clone his Nazi rat bastard ass. Avalon Theatre, Edgefield Powerstation, Koin Center, Lloyd Mall, Mt. Hood Theater

All the Pretty Horses
What could possibly have prompted Columbia to invest millions buying the rights to Cormac McCarthy's All the Pretty Horses, pick up a box-office star in Matt Damon, and a hot new director in Billy Bob Thornton, and then sell off the domestic distribution to Miramax? Why has Miramax in turn slipped it into theaters on Christmas Day with minimal fanfare? Could it have anything to do with the year that Thornton spent "fine-tuning" his edit, or the assurance on their part that most reviews would turn out negative (as have the advance ones)? Whatever the reasons, it might be worthwhile to slip away from the family on Christmas Day and find out; contemplating the obnoxious greed and belligerent, stupefying ignorance that is Hollywood is always more entertaining than being stuck with your family's far more tawdry dysfunctions. (Bruce Reid) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas

Bamboozled
Spike Lee's most ambitious race film yet, and, as a consequence, his worst film to date--is about a 21st-century minstrel show that becomes a huge hit for a small upstart TV network. The film is terrible at every level--monological instead of democratic, preachy instead of complex, and, worst of all, it dances to the ring of the cash register. (Charles Mudede) Clinton Street Theatre

* Best In Show
Christopher Guest's latest with Eugene Levy follows several dog owners on their quest for the blue ribbon at the 2000 Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show. A well-executed, ridiculous little film lovingly mining ridiculous little people's ridiculous little lives. Cinemagic, Lloyd Mall

Billy Elliot
An ADORABLE film about a SWEET boy who wants to DANCE instead of mine coal. Century Eastport 16, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Mall

Bounce
So it's a given that Gwyneth and Ben are only in movies because they're fun to look at (everyone one knows they can't act); but in this movie, they aren't even pleasing to the eyes! Kennedy School Theatre, Kiggins Theater

The Broken Hearts Club
Let's be frank: This film is so profoundly awful that it inadvertently succeeds in performing the tremendous social service of euthanizing the subgenre of the once-viable "gay film." God, it's bad. I will waste your time by telling you that the film is about a group of gay men in L.A. looking for meaning in their lives. I will further bore you with the details that the protagonist is an "artist," and that the Broken Hearts Club is the name of the men's all-gay softball team, and that every character is a stereotype: the Ecstasy-snorting party boy, the fresh-from-the-closet "newbie," the macho sex addict, the ugly fag. But I can write no more. This film simply doesn't deserve it. (Jamie Hook) Bagdad Theater

Cast Away
It's become pretty much apparent that director Robert Zemeckis can't tell a story to save his life. Forrest Gump? Stinker. What Lies Beneath? Stinker, stinker! And Contact? Jesus Pete! What a stinker! And while his newest concoction Cast Away, starring Tom Hanks, doesn't exactly deserve stinker status, it still highlights Zemeckis' problems as a director. Have you seen the trailer for this movie? Then you have seen the ENTIRE movie, from opening to final shot. Admittedly, there are some engrossing moments (which interestingly involve Tom Hanks writhing in pain), but other than watching its main character puzzling through dire predictaments, there is little reason to care if this guy gets off his island or not. Plus, Helen Hunt is in it. Ughhh!! (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

* Charlie's Angels
I swore it could never be done, but somehow they've taken one of the worst shows in TV history, put in two of the worst actors in Hollywood (Drew Barrymore and Cameron Diaz), and come up with a comedic gem--and dare I say it?--one of the most hilarious films of the year. In this updated version of the TV show, director McG tips his hat to the classic T&A detective show of the '70s and then has a field day tearing each of its conventions down. The cast is uniformly terrific, especially Cameron Diaz, who plays her role like a giggly, girlish sociopath. (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Century Eastport 16, Kiggins Theater, Washington Square Center

Chocolat
Today I'm not weak. The film critic in me has control over my emotions; it can and will repress my wolflike desire to fill this review with hungry words that praise the celestial beauty of Juliette Binoche. That being said, the movie itself is unremarkable, and has absolutely nothing new to offer: Yes, organized religion is oppressive; yes, uncouth village drunks beat their wives; yes, Gypsies love to play Duke Ellington's "Caravan" on their guitars. As for South America, of course it has many mysteries, and Europe, senescent and dreary Europe, has no mysteries at all. Finally, women are more spirited, more earthy, than men. These are not new themes. We have seen them in one form or another in movies ranging from Like Water for Chocolate to Pleasantville. (Charles Mudede) Century Eastport 16, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Cinemas

The Contender
In this Hollywood version of the Lewinsky affair (with the Clinton character recast as a woman), the Democrats make all the great speeches you wish they'd made during the 104th Congress and the Republicans are as simply evil and as plainly hypocritical as you wish they were. The Contender plays like it was funded by the DNC and scripted by a college sophomore taking her first Intro to Women's Studies class. (Josh Feit) Koin Center

* The Double Life of Veronique
Irene Jacob plays both Veronika and Veronique in this teriffic art house rendition of The Parent Trap. Directed by the brilliant, as usual, Krzysztof Kieslowski. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

Dracula 2000
Are long capes and Hungarian accents still considered sexy by anyone? Still, here's the one holiday movie guaranteed not to even try to improve your morals, character, or feelings of goodwill. Though "presented" by Wes Craven, this film is directed by Patrick Lussier, who is best known in the industry for editing 16 episodes of MacGyver. 82nd Avenue, Cinema 99, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center, Westgate, Wilsonville

Dude, Where's My Car?
Two potheads wake up after a night of partying and can't locate their car. But, ya know, it's funny... these kind of people can always seem to locate their pot... 82nd Avenue, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center

Dungeons & Dragons
Straight world: Please, please just turn away. Geeks like me: If you know the difference between a drow and an orc, it's too late for you anyway. It doesn't matter that this movie is wretchedly incomprehensible, or that it was made at least 15 years too late; the promise of seeing mages and beholders, and the thieves' guild, and a deadly labyrinth is just too tempting, if only so we can go and harrumph our way through the whole thing. And let's finally face the facts, shall we? We're geeks by nature, we belong to this stuff; Dungeons & Dragons is really only as embarrassing and unbearable and uncool as we are. (Evan Sult) Century Eastport 16, Washington Square Center

The Emperor's New Groove
The new Disney animated feature in which a greedy emperor is turned into a nude llama to learn some humility. Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard-Joy Theater, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center, Westgate, Wilsonville

The Family Man
The first half of this movie is funny. Nicholas Cage, a fastidious, fabulously wealthy arbitrageur, is magicked into a lower-middle-class schlumph. I shall not soon forget his reaction when he opens his schlumph closet, and his schlumph mother-in-law and father-in-law are priceless. There's a moment in a bowling alley where I saw a glimmer of hope for the second half; it could have been a still funny and tender riff on the thought that happiness, like bowling, is a skill that can be learned and practiced. But no, instead we have to have some goopy gush about the path not taken and falling snowflakes. Don Cheadle is good. Josef Sommer is good. There's no law that says you can't walk out after the first half. (Barley Blair) Broadway Metroplex, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Eastgate, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza, Wilsonville

Finding Forrester
A kid from the Bronx excels at both basketball and composition, befriends a hermit writer, undergoes a crisis from which the writer must extract him, thereby helping the writer overcome his own reclusive blah blah blah. Sean Connery wrote the Great American Novel and he never goes out now, except he will go out to watch a baseball game-well, he always used to watch baseball. Well yes, he watches basketball out the window now, but then he and his brother-oh, did I forget to say he had a brother? Well, he had one, and anyway, F. Murray Abraham tried to publish a critical book-no, F. Murray Abraham isn't the brother, he's a teacher. Yes, he's teaching at the school where the kid-well, okay, I guess I should have said that the kid gets into this snobby day school.... It goes on like that. (Barley Blair) Lloyd Cinemas

Fragments
Ron Havilio has spent 12 years filming the people and places of Jerusalem. The result is a sweeping tapestry of the history of this fascinating country as told from the point of view of one man's family. Presented as two-3 hour parts. Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

* Girl on the Bridge
A ravishing, breezily paced tale of amour fou, Girl on the Bridge stars Daniel Auteuil as a Svengali-like knife-thrower who meets his perfect foil in Vanessa Paradis' Adele. What makes the film great, though, is Leconte's feel for the effect of place on people: The roads are beckoning, Monte Carlo is impulsive, and Istanbul is confusion itself. Auteuil is never less than his dour self, and Paradis--a gap-toothed woman, it's worth noting--is stunning throughout. Laurelhurst Theater

Goya in Bordeaux
A dull, laughably pretentious attempt to portray the painter's twilight reminiscences, Goya in Bordeaux marks a definite nadir in Carlos Saura's career. The elder, barrel-bellied Goya smugly pontificates to his daughter about the tragedies and obligations of being an artist; his younger self mulls over the compromises inherent in being a court painter and the agonies of loving a notorious mistress. Neither appears smart enough to paint a bathroom wall, let alone the masterpieces that are liberally scattered throughout the film. Laurelhurst Theater

* A Hard Day's Night
A Film Review for Those Who Love the Beatles: Of course you're going to go see A Hard Day's Night, the wonderful movie about the Beatles made by Richard Lester in 1964 and rereleased in a glorious new print, as crisp and tasty as fresh lettuce--you'd be daft not to. (Barley Blair) A Film Review for Those Who Hate the Beatles: Look. If you want to keep encouraging corporate America to keep beating the dead horse that is the Beatles, thereby forcing the rest of us to endure countless hours of radio air-time devoted to these barely passable musical hacks, then by all means do so. But may I invite you to rot in hell. (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Cinema 21

How the Grinch Stole Christmas
In this movie, the Grinch has a huge house with a telephone, a pulley, and trap doors. In the old cartoon he doesn't have any of that stuff. If you watch this you will find out where the Grinch came from, and why he hates Christmas. Like always, Jim Carrey is FABULOUS! He is sooo funny--you couldn't find a better actor to play the part. On the other hand, the actor who played Cindy Lou Who was not very good--she was pretty corny. The Grinch was funny but not as good as I thought it would be. (Sam Lachow, 10-years old) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

* I'm So-So
A highly personal interview with one of the great cinematic masters, Krzysztof Kieslowski. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

I'm the One that I Want
Margaret Cho isn't a particularly insightful comic, but she sure knows how to go after a laugh. What's funny here is gleefully, howlingly funny. Her personal emancipation, however, doesn't quite flow freely from the rest of her material; the show strains whenever she stops to hit a nail on the head. (Steve Wiecking) Hollywood Theatre

Legend of the Drunken Master
Miramax attempts to make a little more money by dubbing Jackie Chan's Drunken Master II into English, and then re-releasing it. Avalon Theatre

Little Nicky
Adam Sandler stars as the son of Satan in the 35th Devil-themed film of the year. Could it be that the true millennium is really scheduled for New Years Eve, 2001-like the Quakers said? God help us! Kennedy School Theatre, Lloyd Mall

* Mark Cantor Presents: Giants of Jazz
Mark Cantor returns with another collection of extremely rare jazz performances on film, this time featuring such greats as Charlie Parker, Django Reinhardt, Count Basie and more! Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

* Meet the Parents
Jewish complications ensue when Ben Stiller meets the pop of his new g-friend, Robert DeNiro. Century Eastport 16

Men Of Honor
A biopic about the first black underwater salvage expert that soaks Robert De Niro, sinks China Gooding, and drowns the audience with every cliche of the military movie genre, never mind that they all contradict each other. (Barley Blair) Avalon Theatre, Kiggins Theater, Koin Center, Laurelhurst Theater

Miss Congeniality
If a movie about the F.B.I. infiltrating a beauty pageant stars Sandra Bullock and Michael Caine, but all anyone is looking forward to is William Shatner's hammy turn as a tacky host, isn't it time for Hollywood to rethink its priorities? On the upside, perhaps this role as a beauty pageant contestant will persuade Miss Bullock to finally invest in some mustache bleach. Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

My Favorite Things, Part I
Curtis Salgato's collection of shorts featuring him playing with various old (and probably dead, in a few cases) famous people in the '60s and '70s. Mission Theater

My Generation
Barbara Kopple's new documentary tries to connect two generations' search for community by examining the Woodstock festivals of 1969, 1994, and 1999. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

* The Nightmare Before Christmas
This movie is truly a wonderful thing. The animation is incredible, the visualization is fine, and the story--about the forces of Dark and Light as played out by Halloween and Christmas--is easy to follow when drunk. But the songs, by the great Danny Elfman, are the real reason to see the film. The Halloween re-release certainly feels like wanton capitalism, but we'll forgive them. (Jamie Hook) Koin Center

* Non-Stop
Take three losers-a would-be bank robber, a convenience store clerk with rock 'n' roll aspirations, and an incompetent bodyguard. Involve them in a plot that also includes a missing gun, a toy gun, big knives, short swords, gangster groups, a car full of cops, and a gauze mask. Satirize all the movies that all of these movie characters wish they were in. That's the task that Sabu set for himself when he wrote and directed Non-Stop. It takes six seconds-seven, tops-to realize that you're in the hands of a competent filmmaker. So stop reading right now and just go see it. (Barley Blair) Fox Tower 10

Pecker
John Waters satirizes New York art snobs by bringing them to working-class Baltimore. A pleasant film that doesn't always work. Mission Theater

Place Vendome
Paris' la Place Vendôme was the brainchild of everyone's favorite ultra-chic monarch, Louis XIV. Situated at the center of Paris, la Place Vendôme forms a tightly guarded enclave, accessible only from two small avenues on either end. Given the givens, I would much rather watch this film than hang around in the real Place Vendôme for a couple of hours; certainly my class standing would not be welcomed by those filthy, aristocratic frogs! Nicole Garcia's film may not be a historical analysis of Parisian society, but two hours of watching Catherine Denueve do her work will surely be worth your time. (Pablo de Ocampo) Hollywood Theatre

Proof of Life
Meg Ryan is moderately unhappy wife Alice Bowman, and when her husband is kidnapped by the Liberation of Army of Tecala, it's going to take every ounce of Russell Crowe's rugged good looks and subdued masculinity to bring him back alive! Things actually get worse as his wife then finds herself enveloped by the intoxicating Aussie sex appeal of the seasoned professional in charge of negotiating his rescue. (Jason Pagano) 82nd Avenue, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Wilsonville

Quills
Quills is loosely (very loosely) based upon the latter years of the Marquis de Sade's life. Shortly after the French Revolution, de Sade resides locked away in the Charenton mental hospital where he is allowed, briefly, to continue writing his pornographic prose. Though meant for private consumption only, the writings are secreted out of Charenton by the laundry maid, Madeleine (Kate Winslet), and their popularity on the streets of France causes outraged apoplexy among the powers that be. Unfortunately, the film seeks to rehabilitate de Sade's image into that of Brave Soldier in the Noble Battle against Hypocrisy. Which not only flattens and dulls the film's subject, it also makes for one hell of a hypocritical movie in its own right. See review this issue. (Bruce Reid) Fox Tower 10

Remember the Titans
Denzel Washington coaches a bi-racial high school football team. Will they win the big game? Or more importantly, will they have any nudie locker room scenes? Avalon Theatre, Bagdad Theater, Kennedy School Theatre, Lloyd Mall

* Requiem for a Dream
The yuks keep flying in this Disney-produced user's manual for heroin addiction. Laurelhurst Theater

Rugrats in Paris: The Movie
Why waste time dabbling in the waters of those fancy foreigners with their unintelligible offerings (Teletubbies, Pokemon, etc.) or those epileptic, fit-inducing upstarts who employ every cheap trick involving violence, sex, and subliminal messaging (everything on Fox Kids, for example). And you know full well that the Rugrats have been, are, and for some time to come will be the bearers of the formula for success. (Kudzai Mudede) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Washington Square Center, Wilsonville

Save the Last Dance
Finally! A multi-racial Dirty Dancing! Lloyd Cinemas

Songcatcher
Maggie Greenwald directs this tribute to the music of the Appalachian mountains. Lily is a turn-of-the-century musicologist who discovers the folksongs of the Appalachia have very mysterious beginnings... Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Space Cowboys
Three old retired Air Force pilots want one last ride into outer space. Christ! Isn't it bad enough that these old farts always get the beautiful young chicks in the movies? And now they want to go into space, too? Forget it, Grandpa! It's off to the nursing home for you! Edgefield Powerstation, Koin Center, Laurelhurst Theater, Mt. Hood Theater

* State and Main
Alec Baldwin, William H. Macy, Sarah Jessica Parker, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and David Paymer descend on a small Vermont town to make a movie, bringing their sophisticated mores with them. The town end is held down by Charles Durning, Clark Gregg, Ricky Jay, Patti LuPone, Matt Malloy, Rebecca Pidgeon, and Julia Stiles... Do you begin to see a problem here? The cast is as fixedly big-city as a traffic jam. Though to tell you the truth, I was laughing too hard to worry about small inaccuracies. David Mamet has said that he was thinking of Preston Sturges when he put this film together, and it's a worthy successor to the Master. (Barley Blair) Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

* This is Spinal Tap
Smell the glove once again with David St. Hubbins, Nigel Tufnel, and Derek Smalls, in a new 35mm print of what is possibly the funniest movie ever made. Laurelhurst Theater, Mission Theater

Traffic
Like a search engine laboring for information on "drug trade," "Mexican cartel," and "survival," Traffic pulls together three remotely connected stories about users and dealers, both in high and low places. What makes Traffic the most sophisticated narrative structure so far in this new genre of story-telling is that it does not bother to link stories with overlapping characters, or even around seminal events. Instead, the characters gravitate around keywords: greed, loyalty, self-preservation. The result is a nervous and jumpy, yet broad-based, essay on drugs in North America. See review this issue. (Phil Busse) 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, City Center 12, Division Street, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas

Unbreakable
Given a blank check after The Sixth Sense, writer/director M. Night Shyamalan has returned the studio's largesse by delivering one of the worst films of the year. (Bruce Reid) 82nd Avenue, Cinema 99, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza

* Velvet Goldmine
Todd Haynes draws on the stories of real-life glamsters and spins them into his own glittering fantasy. Velvet Goldmine should easily turn out to be the best rock film of the '90s. Though the storyline is obviously inspired by the careers of David "Ziggy Stardust" Bowie and Iggy Pop, it is not a biography. Brian Slade (Jonathan Rhys-Meyers) is Ziggy to the Iggy of Curt Wild (Ewan McGregor). Watching from the sidelines is Arthur Stuart (Christian Bale), a fan-turned-journalist who serves as the story's narrator, looking back on his past from the viewpoint of the dismal '80s. On the surface, Velvet Goldmine sets itself up as a mystery: Stuart's investigation of the disappearance of Slade at the height of the glam era. Haynes takes full advantage of this recollection of the '70s by making everything as opulent as possible, giving the whole thing a richness that stands in stark contrast to the spareness of his previous film, Safe. (Gillian G. Gaar) Hollywood Theatre

* Vertical Limit
Despite Hollywood's sad attempt to re-create a version of reality, Vertical Limit is actually a fantasy-filled fishing story blown entirely out of proportion. Not only does it star Chris O'Donnell, it also throws out tragedy after tragedy, and you don't feel bad about laughing at it. (Another bonus point!) You become trapped inside this product of a demented imagination, and soon, watching it becomes surprisingly fulfilling. (Megan Seling) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

* Vinyl
Filmmaker Alan Zweig spotlights a plethora of those lovable fanatics: record collectors. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

What Women Want
Mel Gibson stars as a man who can hear women's innermost thoughts in this feminist remake of the David Cronenberg sci-fi thriller Scanners. Broadway Metroplex, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Eastgate, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Cinemas, Moreland Theater, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

Wonder Boys
Any film that can make an audience stomach Michael Douglas is a minor accomplishment. Curtis Hanson's film does more than that. In fact, it's rather good. Laurelhurst Theater

* You Can Count on Me
This is the sort of well-crafted, nutritious drama that gets critics burned out on adrenalized hoopla all tied up in knots. It's fine work, featuring Laura Linney's best performance since Congo (or maybe even before) as a single mom in the quaint burg of Scottsville. Her pothead drifter of a brother, also well played by Mark Ruffalo, shows up, spurring an eventual, earnest realization of the importance of family. Matthew Broderick has an amusing role as Linney's new boss, who says things like "I like paperwork." The latest product of the Culkin Family Factory Farm for Cuteness, Rory, plays the precocious eight-year-old. Playwright Kenneth Lonergan has, for his first film, created a movie for grown-ups that hardly ever surprises, but somehow that's OK. (Marc Mohan) Fox Tower 10