15 Minutes
Robert DeNiro demonstrates how much time someone will waste if you give them enough money in this derivative film about the influence of the media on the criminal justice system. 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

3000 Miles to Graceland
This movie should be avoided like a sex change operation paid for by the Romanian National Health Service. It's bland and predictable; director Demian Lichtenstein's music video-style cinematography is a sublime irritation; and it appears that whole "starring Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell" thing wasn't a cynical prank after all. Why the hell do studios pay seven million apiece to the likes of these two to gun down their movie in broad daylight, when for 20 million Keanu Reeves can make it look like an accident? (Kudzai Mudede) Cinema 99

Almost Famous
Cameron Crowe's film about groupies, Lester Bangs, and learning to ROCK in the '70s. Laurelhurst Theater

* Before Night Falls
The real life story of Cuban writer Reynaldo Arenas from his childhood in Cuba to joining Fidel Castro's revolutionaries to later being persecuted for homosexuality. A politcal film which centers on one man's loneliness. Koin Center

* Best In Show
Christopher Guest's latest with Eugene Levy follows several dog owners on their quest for the blue ribbon at the 2000 Mayflower Kennel Club Dog Show. A well-executed, ridiculous little film lovingly mining ridiculous little people's ridiculous little lives. Avalon, Bagdad Theater, Hollywood Theatre, Kennedy School Theatre, Laurelhurst Theater

* Bike-In Theatre
A wacky patchwork of local film-makers showing slide shows and films about home, from George Washington's Mount Vernon to a documentary about Keiko looking for a new fish tank. See review this issue. P.S., What?

Billy Elliot
An ADORABLE film about a SWEET boy who wants to DANCE instead of mine coal. Cinemagic, Tigard-Joy Theater

Blow Dry
The British Hair Federation decides to host its annual hair dressing competition in a town that just happens to be the home of the legendary hair-cutting virtuoso, played by Alan Rickman, who scandalously lost the title years back when his wife (Rachel Griffith) ran off with their model (Natasha Richardson) the night before the final round of the competition. While the hamlet fills up with shear-swinging rivals and conniving hair fakirs, we wonder if the fractured trio will overcome their grievances and seize the title that is rightfully theirs. Blow Dry could top off a landfill with the carcasses of its failed jokes and the plot largely plagiarizes that of Strictly Ballroom. But for the hair-obsessed, the grand finale of spectacular hair-dos takes affect like a Ruphinol obliterating the dull journey to this Xanadu of extraordinary locks. Koin Center

Carman: the Champion
Religious boxer takes on secular boxer in the fight of the century! Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV

Cast Away
Have you seen the trailer for this movie? Then you have seen the ENTIRE movie, from opening to final shot. Admittedly, there are some engrossing moments (which interestingly involve Tom Hanks writhing in pain), but other than watching its main character puzzling through dire predictaments, there is little reason to care if this guy gets off his island or not. Plus, Helen Hunt is in it. Ughhh!! (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Cinema 99, City Center 12, Evergreen Parkway, Kiggins Theater, Movies on TV, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center

Today I'm not weak. The film critic in me has control over my emotions; it can and will repress my wolflike desire to fill this review with hungry words that praise the celestial beauty of Juliette Binoche. That being said, the movie itself is unremarkable, and has absolutely nothing new to offer: Yes, organized religion is oppressive; yes, uncouth village drunks beat their wives; yes, gypsies love to play Duke Ellington's "Caravan" on their guitars. As for South America, of course it has many mysteries, and Europe, senescent and dreary Europe, has no mysteries at all. Finally, women are more spirited, more earthy, than men. These are not new themes. We have seen them in one form or another in movies ranging from Like Water for Chocolate to Pleasantville. (Charles Mudede) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Cinemas, Moreland Theater, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Wilsonville

* Chunhyang
In the movie Chunhyang, a nobleman, secretly married across class lines, is separated from his wife, Chunhyang. Her virtue assailed, she resists, even under threat of death. Will the noble return in time? The pleasure of such a tale is in the telling, and this movie tells it wonderfully. (Barley Blair) Fox Tower 10

Company Man
Douglas McGrath co-wrote Bullets Over Broadway with Woody Allen and had small roles in Celebrity, Sweet and Lowdown and Small Time Crooks. His obvious inspiration, then, for this leaden farce about hijinks in Castro's Cuba, is Bananas. McGrath, in addition to co-writing and -directing, plays Quimp, a mostly meek grammarian who ends up becoming the CIA's man in Havana in 1959. The details are relatively unimportant, since very few people will ever see this smarmy, unfunny film, despite co-stars like Sigourney Weaver, John Turturro, Alan Cumming as Bautista and Anthony LaPaglia as Castro. Woody gets a few chuckles as the bureau chief with a longing for Paris. (Marc Mohan) City Center 12, Fox Tower 10, Lloyd Mall

* Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon
Legendary warrior Chow Yun Fat can never declare his love for fellow martial-arts expert Michelle Yeoh. Instead, he entrusts her with Green Destiny, his nearly magical sword. But in the dark of night a hooded thief steals it, which leads to a fight held mostly in midair. An attempt to wed emotionally reticent drama with the exhilarating freedom of Hong Kong-genre filmmaking, but director Ang Lee can't quite pull off the combination; for too long a time, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon's shifting gears only jam. The film finds its rhythm and earns the accolades it has received once it leaves the stars behind and gives its heart over to the young and engaging Zhang Ziyi, as the aristocratic daughter of privilege who opts instead for the dangerous yet thrilling occupation of thief. (Bruce Reid) 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower 10, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, St. John's Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Wilsonville

Down To Earth
I could write a million words on this stupid film. And not words filled with bile but sheer delight! Directed by the men who gave us American Pie, and starring comedian Chris Rock, Down to Earth, which is based on Warren Beatty's Heaven Can Wait, which in turn was based on some old film I've never seen, is the most original race comedy ever! The story? A black bike messenger is suddenly killed by a truck and goes up to heaven. The angels, who look like mafia hit men, realize that the death was premature, and so return the brother back to earth in a body once owned by a white billionaire (who is a second-rate Bill Gates). With this white, bloated body he must win the heart of a beautiful soul sister from the hood. Need I say more? Simply amazing. (Charles Mudede) Cinema 99, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate

The Emperor's New Groove
The new Disney animated feature in which a greedy emperor is turned into a nude llama to learn some humility. Avalon , Laurelhurst Theater

Enemy at the Gates
The Europeans know a star when they see one: They chose the dreamy Jude Law to star in the most expensive European film ever, about a sniper at the battle of Stalingrad. Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Wilsonville

Exit Wounds
Steven Segal shows off 50 new pounds of fat in this new drama about an overweight cop. 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Wilsonville

The Family Man
The first half of this movie is funny. Nicholas Cage, a fastidious, fabulously wealthy arbitrageur, is magicked into a lower-middle-class schlumph. (Barley Blair) Edgefield Powerstation, Kiggins Theater, Mt. Hood Theater

Finding Forrester
A kid from the Bronx excels at both basketball and composition, befriends a hermit writer, undergoes a crisis from which the writer must extract him, thereby helping the writer overcome his own reclusive, blah blah blah. (Barley Blair) Cinema 99, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Washington Square Center, Wilsonville

Get Over It
Girlfriend says to long-time boyfriend, "Get over it!" Best friend says to ex-boyfriend when he tries to date best friend's sister, "Get over it!" Best friend's sister says to older brother when he tries to attack best friend, "Get over it!" Audience says to foot for seeing such a dumb movie and kicking themselves in the ass, "Get over it!" Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Tigard Cinemas

The Girl from the Monceau Bakery/ Suzanne's Career
Director Eric Rohmer's short films about men and their eternal struggle with dames. Oh! Who can figure them out? Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater, Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

Hannibal is a mess; an overblown, audacious, painstakingly long, gratuitous mess. Hannibal Lecter in his second outing is an annoying little old man, the sort you'd just love to push down a flight of stairs. Worse still he's a limey, a fish-and-chip-worshiping limey! That the man has killed over 15 Americans isn't a case for the fucking FBI; it's a case for immigration! Stick the INS on him and by lunch he'll be deported, disenfranchised, and the concern of only Miss Moneypenny and about fifty thousand tea ladies. (Kudzai Mudede) Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center, Westgate

That weasly bitch Jennifer Love Hewitt kidnapped down-to-earth, sweet, skateboarding, earnest, talented, funny Jason Lee and forced him to be in a movie with her! And to make it worse, THEY MAKE OUT! Broken hearts, indeed. Century Eastport 16, Oak Grove 8 Theater

Heavy Metal
Based on the horny pubescent sci-fi geek out magazine of the same name, Heavy Metal features futuristic cartoon vignettes of scantily clad supervixens getting their lasers on. Laurelhurst Theater

* The House of Mirth
British director Terence Davies' The House of Mirth, starring Gillian Anderson and Dan Aykroyd, adapts Edith Wharton's 1905 novel about New York high society--the tragic story of a beautiful young woman looking to marry a rich husband and finding herself torn between her need for financial security and her desire for personal integrity. Koin Center

* In the Mood for Love
The most achingly beautiful film in years. Jilted spouses always find themselves circling one painful step away from seeking comfort in each other's arms. Every moment of this film snaps with perfection. Fox Tower 10

Ivan the Terrible, Part I and II
One of Stalin's favorite flicks: Sergei Eisenstein directs his 1944 two-part epic about Russia's first czar and his sweeping military campaign to overthrown the aristocracy and gobble up neighboring land. With arresting cinematography, the film is as exceptional beautiful as it is inspiring (that is, if you are into power-grabbing and overthrowing governments). Stalin wasn't as happy with Part II as Eisenstein's film explores Ivan's later day corruption. (Phil Busse) Liberation Collective

* Journey Into Amazing Caves
The latest IMAX film from the National Science Foundation is a jaw-dropping splunk into three amazing caves--one in the Grand Canyon, another below the glaciers of Greenland, and a third, completely underwater cave in tropical Mexico. With towering cathedrals of frozen waterfalls, the ice caves are eye-popping and the underwater tunnels are eerie, creepy, yet strangely titillating. The Science Foundation tries to fuse a detective story into the scenery--the team is looking for lifeforms that may unlock answers to new medicines. But, really, with gratuitous kayaking off waterfall scenes and hair-raising rock climbing shots shown on a five-story screen, it is just glossy, supersized pornography for adventurers. Hum-mina, hum-mina, hum! (Phil Busse) OMSI

La Collectioneuse
Who doesn't love films about menage a trois? Nobody, that's who, and here's a classic from the dirty directorial mind of Eric Rohmer. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

* Love & Loathing in Vancouver, B.C.
An evening of gay, gay, GAY shorts curated by Wayne Yung. It's 18 and over only, because they're showing the bodily scars of transgendered people and two guys sharing needles, not to mention some sweaty and squishy lesbian strap-on sex. See review this issue. Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater

Director Giuseppe Tornatore spun childhood nostalgia into international box-office gold with Cinema Paradiso (1988). With Malena, he tries to repeat that success by making an art-house Porky's set in Sicily during World War II. Renato (Giuseppe Sulfaro), not even a teenager but wanting to grow up quick, starts hanging out with the older kids who ogle Malena (Monica Bellucci), a beautiful woman whose husband is off at war. Actually, the whole town ogles Malena, to the point where she's been unfairly painted as the town slut. Renato thinks he's different from the townsfolk, but she's never more than his masturbatory fantasy; a fact made distastefully literal by the end of the film. Pretty cinematography and a pretty girl do not make up for the ugly, voyeuristic core of this film. (Andy Spletzer) Laurelhurst Theater

Meet the Parents
Jewish complications ensue when Ben Stiller meets grumpy father-in-law Bobby DeNiro. Avalon Theatre

The Mexican
This movie was never meant to be a singular entity: It feels like two movies, hemorrhaged by nature, that have been forcefully welded together. The first of these movies is The Mexican; it features Brad Pitt, an antique gun, and the mob. It is vaguely interesting and Brad Pitt is very handsome. Secondly, there is what I will call National Lampoon's Seventh Circle of Hell, it stars Julia Roberts, a green V.W., and a sensitive hitman. It is a disgrace and Julia Roberts' performance is criminal. (Kudzai Mudede) 82nd Avenue, Broadway Metroplex, Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Cinemas, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza, Westgate, Wilsonville

My Night at Maud's
Director Eric Rohmer's film about a Catholic in a quandary; should he hook up with the blonde he met at church, or the vivacious brunette? Oh, curse you, free will! Northwest Film Center at The Guild Theater, Northwest Film Center at Whitsell Auditorium

* North by Northwest
The Hitchcock classic returns with this pristine new print. Cary Grant plays an advertising executive who gets mixed up with saboteurs and spends the rest of the movie running his well-groomed ass off. Cinema 21

* O Brother, Where Art Thou?
Set in Depression-era Mississippi, George Clooney stars as Everett Ulysses McGill, a suave and well-groomed petty criminal doing hard time on a chain gang. Shackled to Pete (John Turturro) and Delmar (Tim Blake Nelson), he convinces them to join him in escaping by promising to split a fortune in buried treasure with them. (Andy Spletzer) Century Eastport 16, City Center 12, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower 10, Tigard Cinemas

Another attempt from the film industry to mine the romantic lie of Bohemian life. This is actor Ed Harris' directorial debut (he also stars), and seems too hurried to establish the iconic events of painter Jackson Pollock's life--see Pollock urinate in Peggy Guggenheim's fireplace, see Pollock overturn the Thanksgiving table, see Pollock accidentally discover drip painting--instead of letting any of these moments achieve any natural resolution. City Center 12, Fox Tower 10

* The Prisoner
The Mission is spotlighting this terrific cult television series starring Patrick McGoohan as a retired spy who finds himself imprisoned in a very mysterious village. A guaranteed marijuana freakout! Mission Theater

Quills is loosely (very loosely) based upon the latter years of the Marquis de Sade's life. Shortly after the French Revolution, de Sade resides locked away in the Charenton mental hospital where he is allowed, briefly, to continue writing his pornographic prose. Though meant for private consumption only, the writings are secreted out of Charenton by the laundry maid, Madeleine (Kate Winslet), and their popularity on the streets of France causes outraged apoplexy among the powers that be. Unfortunately, this film seeks to rehabilitate de Sade's image into that of Brave Soldier in the Noble Battle against Hypocrisy. Which not only flattens and dulls the film's subject, it also makes for one hell of a hypocritical movie in its own right. (Bruce Reid) Hollywood Theatre, Laurelhurst Theater

Save the Last Dance
Finally! A multi-racial Dirty Dancing! A midwestern honky moves to the big city, and hooks up with a smooth talking brutha from the South Side. Are we all clear on this? Great. EVERYBODY DANCE! Movies on TV

Saving Silverman
Jason Biggs is about to marry "the wrong girl," and his two rowdy buddies (Jack Black and Steve Zahn) will stop at nothzzzzzzzzzzzz. Trapped in a shamelessly derivative mess that retreads the nun-lovin' fun of Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit, they struggle to answer the question, "Women: Manipulative and emasculating, or vapid and pliable?" Judging by Silverman's sizable kitsch insurance policy, the accountant who approved this one knew it would take an omnipresent Neil Diamond to ensure the assloads of box office returns this film will undoubtedly make. You've seen this one before, sadly. (Jason Pagano) Movies on TV, Wilsonville

* See Spot Run
See Spot Run was a great movie about a dog named Agent 11 who was trained by the F.B.I. since he was a puppy. Agent 11 is trying to catch these bad Mafia guys. The head Mafia guy hires these two other Mafia guys to kill Agent 11 but he escapes and winds up staying with the main character played by David Arquette. David is babysitting this little kid and they all have wacky adventures trying to avoid being killed by the Mafia guys. The funniest part was David Arquette doing his great George Jefferson breakdance. (Maggie Brown, age 10) Century Eastport 16, Cinema 99, City Center 12, Clackamas Town Center, Division Street, Evergreen Parkway, Hilltop, Lloyd Mall, Movies on TV, Oak Grove 8 Theater, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate, Wilsonville

Shadow of the Vampire
John Malkovich and Willem Dafoe star as director F.W. Murnau and actor Max Schreck in this period piece about the filming of the classic silent horror flick Nosferatu. The plot is about as complicated as a Berenstein Bear book, and except for Dafoe's inspired and hilarious performance, you should probably wait to see it until it's at the cheap seats. (Julianne Shepherd) Koin Center, Vancouver Plaza

Guy Ritchie (a.k.a. Mr. Madonna) knows how to use a camera like nobody else. Too bad he doesn't know how to make a film. The technique is clear: heaps of colorful characters walking around in nicely lit areas doing nasty things, throw in a few twists, pile on a few more characters and a lot more nasty things, a couple more twists, and then you're done. (Jamie S. Rich) Koin Center, Lloyd Mall

* State and Main
Alec Baldwin, William H. Macy, Sarah Jessica Parker, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and David Paymer descend on a small Vermont town to make a movie, bringing their sophisticated mores with them. The town end is held down by Charles Durning, Clark Gregg, Ricky Jay, Patti LuPone, Matt Malloy, Rebecca Pidgeon, and Julia Stiles... Do you begin to see a problem here? The cast is as fixedly big-city as a traffic jam. Though to tell you the truth, I was laughing too hard to worry about small inaccuracies. David Mamet has said that he was thinking of Preston Sturges when he put this film together, and it's a worthy successor to the Master. (Barley Blair) Koin Center

Thirteen Days
You may enjoy this movie about the Cuban Missle Crisis, and that's OK, but I want you to hate it too. Here's what's to enjoy: Bruce Greenwood as Jack Kennedy and Steven Culp as Bobby. Kevin Costner's "Boston" accent that left me weak with laughter. Dylan Baker as Robert McNamara, rolling his eyes like a cow whose foot's just been run over by a tractor. That's pretty much it for the enjoyment. (Barley Blair) Kennedy School Theatre, Laurelhurst Theater, Mission Theater, Mt. Hood Theater

* A Time for Drunken Horses
After his father is killed by a mine, a stoic teenage boy is forced to smuggle tires and whatnots across the border in order to earn enough money to pay for his siblings schoolbooks and an operation for his dying, invalid brother (hello, Tiny Tim, anyone?). Nominated by the Academy for Best Foreign Film, it will keep you by the short hairs. (Phil Busse) Fox Tower 10

What with Hollywood throwing Oscars at director Steven Soderbergh, this film is perhaps the most over-hyped film of the year. By now, unless you've been hiding up Richard Gere's butt, you know the scoop: With jumpy camera movements and "edgy" editing, the film braids together three loosely connected stories about the--gasp--drug war. What you may not have heard, though, is that one of these three stories is about as challenging as an after-school special, and another a blatant Miami Vice rip-off. The only truly lasting quality of the film is Benicio Del Toro, whose unflinching performance explores the conflicts between loyalty and self-preservation. (Phil Busse) 82nd Avenue, Century Eastport 16, Division Street, Hilltop, Koin Center, Lake Twin Cinema, Lloyd Cinemas, Milwaukie 3 Theater, Movies on TV, Tigard Cinemas, Vancouver Plaza , Westgate

The Underground Comedy Movie
A flick that promises something absolutely disgusting for everyone, and features an outstanding cast including Gena Lee Nolin, Joey Buttafuoco, Karen Black and (yes, you heard right) Slash. Clinton Street Theatre

* Venus Beauty Institute
Versatile and often overlooked, French actress Nathalie Baye has played everything from a modern-day streetwalker (La Balance) to a medieval maiden (The Return of Martin Guerre), but she's best at portrayals of ordinary women whose desire for romance can't blot out their intelligence. Here she's the aptly named Angele, part of the crew at a chic Paris salon. In between servicing the spoiled clientele, she searches for true love with either a scruffy younger admirer or her former flame, who ironically sports a facial scar. Slick and certifiably bourgeois, this Gallic comedy remains worth watching right up to its bizarre finale. (Marc Mohan) Fox Tower 10

Water Drops and Burning Rocks
François Ozon picks at the bones of German aberrant R. W. von Fassbinder. 50-year-old German businessman Leopold falls in love with 19-year-old Franz. Then they end up in a fight, AND it's the '70s. Bummer. Clinton Street Theatre

Way of the Gun
A kidnapping plan goes awry (as they often do) in this film starring Ryan Phillippe and Benicio Del Toro (which literally means "The Bull Loves Spaghetti"). Mission Theater

The Wedding Planner
Mary Fiore (Jennifer Lopez) is the baddest-assest Wedding Planner that ever there was. The sad truth, though, is that poor gorgeous Mary can't seem to find a date! One day, outta nowhere, a runaway dumpster is just about to mow Mary down, and who's there to save her, but Matthew McCon! Before you know it they're dancing under the stars, then he vanishes, only to magically reappear as howdid you know? The groom-to-be of Mary's latest client! Clackamas Town Center, Lloyd Mall, Vancouver Plaza , Washington Square Center

What Women Want
Mel Gibson stars as a man who can hear women's innermost thoughts in this feminist remake of the David Cronenberg sci-fi thriller Scanners. Edgefield Powerstation, Hollywood Theatre

Wonder Boys
Any film that can make an audience stomach Michael Douglas is a minor accomplishment. Curtis Hanson's film does more than that. In fact, it's rather good. Laurelhurst Theater

* You Can Count on Me
This is the sort of well-crafted, nutritious drama that gets critics burned out on adrenalized hoopla all tied up in knots. It's fine work, featuring Laura Linney's best performance since Congo (or maybe even before) as a single mom in the quaint burg of Scottsville. Her pothead drifter of a brother, also well played by Mark Ruffalo, shows up, spurring an eventual, earnest realization of the importance of family. Matthew Broderick has an amusing role as Linney's new boss, who says things like "I like paperwork." The latest product of the Culkin Family Factory Farm for Cuteness, Rory, plays the precocious eight-year-old. Playwright Kenneth Lonergan has, for his first film, created a movie for grown-ups that hardly ever surprises, but somehow that's OK. (Marc Mohan) Koin Center