* Austin Powers: Goldmember
There are two things that aren't funny in this movie, and they are Beyoncè Knowles as Foxxy Cleopatra, and Myers' newest villain from Holland, Goldmember. And the reason why they aren't funny is because people from Holland are never funny, and neither is Beyoncè Knowles.

Best of Bob Clampett
Racy cartoons by the legendary Looney Tunes creator, rarely seen because they were censored at the time of creation in the 1930s and 40s.

Eight-Legged Freaks
A messy mish-mash of '50s paranoid propaganda films, but instead of the Commies, it's the Iraqi menace, get it? Spiders, Arachnids, Arac Attack. Ug!! The film rips off all the good elements of classic scare films such as Dawn of the Dead, Gremlins and Them, and pieces them together with boring computer animation and insipid dialogue I wouldn't let my grandma write. (Brian Brait)

Full Frontal
Julia Roberts plays herself falling in love with a lighting tech, and while this is somewhat amusing, overall the movie is pretty mediocre. Plus, there is absolutely no sex in this move. Not a bit. See review this issue.

Glitter
Going to see Mariah's movie, Glitter, is like being invited to a crazy booby rainbow train wreck. Set in early '80s NYC, this movie borrows heavily from Purple Rain, A Star is Born, and any number of other rags to riches movies. So bad that it is good! Tonight a local trio of punk chicks, the band Clitter, play good and loud over all of the movie's bubblegum music.

Green Dragon
Director Bui's first full-length film examines the American milieu during the waning period of the Vietnam War (as opposed to the waxing period that no one seems to remember). Despondent refugees struggle to situate themselves among the ruins of their past and future, and to defeat the mysterious "Green Dragon" who lurks in a nearby forest, drawing children into the ubiquitous night and swallowing them whole. Starring none other than Patrick Swayze at a stage of youthful tightness.

K-19: The Widowmaker
A Soviet sub commander is forced to risk the lives of his men rather than seek help from Americans. The moral tensions of the story might have been enough to carry it through... if the film weren't completely submarined by the casting of Harrison Ford in the lead role.

The Last Kiss
Climb aboard this sprawling epic about the ups and downs of a group of friends and family spanning three generations! Watch them fall in and out of love! Marvel as they cling to their ideals of adolescent passion! And thrill as they deny the inexorable grip of infirmity! Pregnant women and those who suffer from heart conditions cautioned that this ride may cause drowsiness.

* Lovely and Amazing
This follow-up to the similarly graceful Walking and Talking is a shrewdly respectful character-study of a fractured family of women trying to ride herd on their raging neuroses. Fantastic acting and sensitive writing underscore the simple DV directorial approach. (Sean Nelson)

master of disguise
Dana Carvey fights a criminal mastermind with his tired sense of humor and his disguise shenanigans.

* My wife is an acress
Charlotte Gainsbourg is a married actress who has an affair with Terence Stamp. How French do you want it?

* Notorious C.H.O.
If Margaret Cho's latest stand-up concert film doesn't quite live up to her first, I'm the One That I Want, it's not necessarily her fault. While I'm the One catapulted her into comedy stardom, it also relied on the story of her previous struggles in showbiz and life for material. In Notorious C.H.O., she's left to ruminate on her topics of choice, which include sex, menstruation, and body image. (Why they sent a heterosexual white male who's only slightly doughy to review this is beyond me...) In short, topics include colonic irrigation, ice cream up the butt, the search for the g-spot, and fisting. Best line: "If straight men had periods, every bachelor pad would look like a murder scene." Brilliant? No. Funny enough to see? Yes. (Marc Mohan)

O Amour Natural
A documentary exploring the effect Brazilian poet Carlos Drummond de Andrade's erotic poetry had on Brazil's culture and national consciousness. Including scenes with elderly Brazilians reciting his lusty poetry out loud and clips of young hotties in string bikinis, this film gives the puritanical a wake-up call from the unabashedly sexy sensibilities of modern-day Brazilians.

Ossessione
Filmed in 1943 under the repressive paw of Mussolini, Luchino Visconti's film marks the beginning to the neo-realism movement. Adopting the novel The Postman Always Rings Twice to the poverty struck Po Valley of Italy, the setting gives a certain heft and proletariat rah-rah to the story about a handyman and a smoldering wife conspiring to murder her complacent husband.

Pistol Opera
No one likes to be in third place, especially not the slinky and ambitious Stray Cat. In this sequel (only 35 years later) to his break-out hit Branded To Kill, Japanese director Seijun Suzuki tells a hectic, murky, dreamy story about Stray Cat, the slinky, third-ranking assassin in Japan. Problem is, Stray Cat wants to be number one. Badly! Double-crossing, backalleys, dynamic stunts and, yes, leather boots; it is a fun, riotous and, ultimately, melancholy ride.

* Pumpkin
At first I thought this Christina Ricci vehicle about the consequences that occur when an uptight sorority girl falls in love with a "challenged athlete" was a savage parody of those "Something About a Half-Wit" films that grind the butts of the mentally retarded for cheap laughs from audiences who should know better. By the time I was in the ladies room, I'd revised my opinion to include the possibility that this was actually sophisticated spoof of those ubiquitous Channel for Weeping Women films that seek to beautify retarded people simply for being born. It wasn't until I was sitting in my car that the possibility occurred to me that it was neither. What if it was just a bunch of retard jokes hiding behind a cloaking device of intellectualized irony? Does that mean I'm going to hell for laughing my head off?

Road to Perdition
Starring Tom Hanks, Paul Newman, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Jude Law a ridiculously stellar ensemble Road to Perdition tells a rather simple tale, and tells it nearly perfectly. A hit man (Tom Hanks) sees his family slaughtered, save for his oldest son. Father and son hit the road to exact revenge. Perdition transcends every revenge film currently documented within my brain. Mendes, working once again with Conrad Hall, has fashioned a heartfelt, exquisite, and above all, patient revenge epic. (Bradley Steinbacher)

Signs
Mel Gibson stars in this scary movie about scary crop circles. See review this issue.

* Sunshine State
This cinematic soap opera of familial and neighborly drama centers around a small stretch of Florida coastline. Employing writer/director Sayles' benchmark standards for dialogue and acting, the film uses a tug of war over prime resort real estate to showcase prime human flaws and insecurities.

Tadpole
Like most 15-year-old boys who acquire Sigourney Weaver as their stepmom, Oscar wants to doink her. But for the sake of efficacy and realism, he's willing to consider his stepmom's friend Bebe Neuwirth as a fall-back.

The Underground Orchestra
The original plan for this documentary was to film a bunch of musical performers in the Paris subways. When the cameras weren't allowed in the Metro, director Heddy Honigmann and her crew wound up following the musicians to their hotels and apartments. The title still fits, because now this film had become a portrait of exile: a Venezuelan harpist, violinists from Romania and Yugoslavia, singers from Mali, Vietnam, and Zaire, a pianist from Argentina, all have left oppression and come to France where, more often then not, they're met with suspicious cops and landlords charging ridiculous rents. Honigmann has the genial but probing style of the best, most humane documentarians especially touching is her habit of filming the silent spouses and children that surround her interviewees. The music isn't just lovely, it becomes the key to understanding how these people persist under such adversity. As one man says after recounting his horrific torture, you have to laugh at life to be a pianist. (Bruce Reid)

* Video Slam
Show your own and watch four minute amateur videos made after May 15 of this year. Call 242-1047 to pre-register and ask questions. This week's heat is on Food and Metabolism