16 Blocks
See review this issue. Regal Cinemas, etc

Academy Awards
The hoopla! The glamour! The trampling of the artistic spirit in favor of commerce! Huzzah! Bagdad Theater

, Mission Theater, Hollywood Theatre, St. Johns Pub

Aquamarine
After a storm on the coast of Florida, two best friends, Claire (Emma Roberts) and Hailey (JoJo), find a gorgeous mermaid, Aquamarine (Sara Paxton), trapped in a swimming pool. Squealing ensues, as does a dopey but cute attempt to prove to Aquamarine's father that love exists (to avoid her being forced into marriage with a "squid"... duh). Aside from the hurdles of concealing Aquamarine's true identity and evading this total bitch who's trying to ruin everything and isn't even pretty, even if she does have boobs, all three girls end up learning something pretty nifty about love. (Hint: it's all about BFFs.) (Marjorie Skinner) Regal Cinemas, etc

Be Here to Love Me: A Film About Townes Van Zandt
A beautifully complex portrait of Townes Van Zandt, who wrote some of the most heartbreak-y flower child/alt-cowboy songs ever recorded. Van Zandt expedited his self-destruction with an addiction to bottles and needles, but Be Here to Love Me paints a three-dimensional profile of the artist, digging not only into his songs, but into his late-adolescent shock treatments, his needlessly run-down life, and his wonderfully metaphoric mind. Includes tons of rare performances, as well as interviews with ex-wives, family members, and musicians such as Guy Clark, Joe Ely, and Willie Nelson. (Chas Bowie) Clinton Street Theater

Big Momma's House 2
I bet you're all like, "Oh ho ho, the Mercury's loving Big Momma's House 2 because nobody else will, and they're being ironic." WRONG! I'm loving Big Momma's House 2 because that shit is funny to the bone! (Chas Bowie) Avalon

, Milwaukie Cinemas

Blue Velvet
See My, What a Busy Week!, pg. 17. Clinton Street Theater

Caché
Caché hinges on the idea that just underneath society, and deep within the lives of normal people, all sorts of vile and unspeakable things lurk in wait. In fact, the film's almost too nuanced to be the thriller it purports to be—in addition to the marital drama, it touches on class, voyeurism, childrearing, and some pretty heavy race-related subtext. Nope, not a hardcore thriller. But totally worth watching all the same. (Alison Hallett) Fox Tower 10

, Lake Twin Cinema, Moreland Theater

Capote
A film, predictably enough, about Truman Capote, Capote follows the writer during the creation of In Cold Blood, the book that both made him a household name and distressed him so much that he never completed another work. Capote is a film that will reward you with its design and execution, if you're willing to suspend the temptation of hair-trigger judgments that may be provoked by its sometimes difficult complexity. I highly recommend you do so. (Evan James) Regal Cinemas, etc

Cheaper by the Dozen 2
Steve Martin says things like "It's all good" and a dog humps Carmen Electra's leg. CBTD2 does hold a pleasant surprise, however—Hilary Duff now looks like a 35-year-old anorexic slut. (Will Gardner) Milwaukie Cinemas

, Avalon, Kennedy School

Curious George
Will Ferrell, Drew Barrymore, David Cross, and Jack Johnson provide voices for this animated adaptation of the classic children's books. This time around, The Man in the Yellow Hat may or may not do it with Curious George. Regal Cinemas, etc

Date Movie
In the pervasive TV ads, they're actually boasting that this spoof film comes from "two of the six writers of Scary Movie." Shockingly, it wasn't screened for critics—though it does star Buffy's delightful Alyson Hannigan. Regal Cinemas, etc

Dave Chappelle's Block Party
See review this issue. Regal Cinemas, etc

Eight Below
Yes, I cried. So the fuck what? It wasn't like a fat girl "Boo hoo, Voodoo Doughnut doesn't open for three hours" crying; just nine little manly tears that rolled down my cheek. What? Was I not supposed to cry when the eight awesomest dogs ever are left to freeze and starve to death on the South Pole? You may laugh, but I promise you this: If you see Eight Below, on at least four occasions, you will mentally and emotionally live through the death of your favorite pet. Then you can laugh at me for crying, dick. (Chas Bowie) Regal Cinemas, etc

Final Destination 3
In the vein of voluminous classics such as Hellraiser and Wishmaster, Final Destination 3 rides on a lame plot to demonstrate nothing but creative ways to die. In 2000, the first Final Destination—which had Death going after a bunch of teens, just as this one does—blew us away with its unabashed willingness to push the limits of the R-rating for a teen-targeted film. Well, FD3 makes FD look like an episode of Full House. (Jenna Roadman) Regal Cinemas, etc

Firewall
Since foreigners are always up to no good (Air Force One), Harrison Ford's family is taken hostage by a nefarious limey (Paul Bettany) who coerces Harrison into robbing a bank! So Harrison also has to save his family (Patriot Games), but since he's getting old, he can't only use fisticuffs (Clear and Present Danger)—so he also relies on his wits (Presumed Innocent). (Luckily, he gets some help from a clever secretary [Working Girl].) Too bad he can't go to the cops, because the bad guys have framed him for a crime he didn't commit (The Fugitive). (Erik Henriksen) Regal Cinemas, etc

The Great Warming
This was totally on PBS (for free!) a few weeks ago, but whatever. The Great Warming, at just over an hour in length, manages to cram in just about everything about global warming—how totally fucking screwed we are, how we've only got ourselves to blame, what we can (but won't) do to fix it, etc. Plus, it's narrated by Keanu Reeves and Alanis Morrisette! (Basically, imagine that Keanu and Alanis are team-teaching your seventh-grade natural sciences class. The most interesting parts of the doc deal with global warming w/r/t increased storm activity and intensity (like Hurricane Katrina) and the surprising, newly forged alliance between America's 30 million Evangelical Christians and those filthy, tree-hugging hippies. In fact, the whole Christer/hippie team-up bit is so fascinating that The Great Warming might have done better to focus on it, rather than having Keanu and Alanis summarize Science 101 for you while the filmmakers show some crappy animations of molecules. (Erik Henriksen) Cinema 21

Howl's Moving Castle
The latest from genius Japanese anime filmmaker Hayao Miyazaki. A young girl, Sophie, is transformed into a hunched, wrinkled old woman—confused and frightened, she hobbles out to the misty countryside hoping to find Howl, an enigmatic young wizard who might be able to help her. To proselytize: Go see it, right now. To use what sounds like hyperbole, but isn't: It's amazing. (Erik Henriksen) Laurelhurst

Illusion
Any film that sports a glowing rave on its cover from Mark Vicente—one of the directors of the integrity-free new-age cult propaganda flick What the Fuck Do We Know?—gets an automatic red flag. In the case of actor/filmmaker Michael Goorjian's Illusion, the flag is bright, screaming, magenta-pink red, as Vicente also happens to be one of the producers. I guess the only positive quote the Illusion team could find was... from one of its own members. Or maybe that team has simply given up the façade and accepted its status as the least reputable filmmaking organization in America. Regardless, I forbid you from supporting Illusion, a shameless piece of "spiritual," father-and-son reunion crap centered around a stroke-addled Kirk Douglas, whose mush-mouthed performance is not a touching last hurrah from a legend, but downright discomforting to watch. Fuck you, Vicente. You make me angry. (Justin Sanders) Hollywood Theatre

In Loving Memory: The Films of Robert Todd
The photography in Robert Todd's film work is unique, poignant, and breathtakingly illustrative, and in three short films (In Loving Memory, Wait, and Evergreen), one gets a sampling of the natural, the personal, and the correctional worlds. The standout film is Memory, a meditation on the lives of inmates on death row, where extensive footage from death row environments is paired with voiceovers from inmates themselves. The film is forthright in its anti-capital punishment message, but the images alone might have made for a quieter but stronger statement. (Marjorie Skinner) Cinema Project @ New American Art Union

Madea's Family Reunion
Tyler Perry's creations—full of monstrous characters, plus-sized plots, and operatic gospel climaxes—are a genre unto themselves. Perry started out on the so-called "chitlin'" theater circuit, and his gun-toting grandma character, Madea, is a pure creature of the stage. Part drag queen, part sketch comic, and all Southern black rage, Madea has to be seen to be believed. This episode wasn't screened for the press—too many critics are ignorant white people, and all the reviews of Perry's last film (Diary of a Mad Black Woman) were just this side of hostile. (Annie Wagner) Regal Cinemas, etc

The Matador
A semi-successful story about a crazy asshole and a corporate pussy, The Matador is sometimes a blast, but also has a tendency to veer into forced, heart-tugging sappiness. (Christine S. Blystone) Laurelhurst

Match Point
In his first straight-ahead drama in quite some time (and arguably his best), Match Point finds Allen traversing the previously uncharted waters of modern Britain. He's also dropped most of his patented, Bergman-esque pretenses in favor of an admirable stab at Hitchcock—and a healthy, if unexpected, dollop of Dostoyevsky. (Zac Pennington) Fox Tower 10

, Century 16 Cedar Hills Crossing

Munich
The creepily organic Munich deals with the terrorist attacks of the 1972 Olympics, when 11 Israeli athletes were killed, and its aftermath, in which an Israel-sanctioned group carried out vengeance against the perceived perpetrators. Needless to say, the film has some pretty twitchy subject matter, but thankfully, Steven Spielberg handles it nearly perfectly—offering a deft, straightforward re-enactment that focuses on the people caught up in the rigid ideology of a fluid war. With a subtlety and determination he hasn't shown for years, Spielberg buckles down and makes Munich a powerful, disturbing, and emotional examination of violence, politics, and self. (Erik Henriksen) Pioneer Place Stadium 6

, City Center 12

Neil Young: Heart of Gold
This is Jonathan Demme's first concert film since the Talking Heads' Stop Making Sense, one of the greatest live music movies ever. But Sense was a visual film, with amazing slideshows, props, and a singer who pioneered the post-punk spaz out. Heart of Gold? A bunch of old dudes standing in place, singing harmony. (Chas Bowie) Fox Tower 10

New York Doll
See review this issue. Hollywood Theatre

The Pink Panther
If you haven't seen the originals, Blake Edwards' Pink Panther series (starring Peter Sellers) is a magical combo platter of droll humor and slapstick genius. The new version, with a woefully outclassed Steve Martin, is a pale, clunky impersonation from a director (Shawn Levy) who's most famous for failed TV shows and Cheaper by the Dozen. (Wm. Steven Humphrey) Regal Cinemas, etc

Running Scared
Ever since I saw Running Scared, I've been trying to think of a worse film—one more manipulative, oblivious, calculatedly "hardcore," insipid, overwrought, ludicrous, insulting, or [put your own derogatory adjective here]. But I can't! (Erik Henriksen) Regal Cinemas, etc

Scion Xpress Short Fest Screening Party
Scion xPress Fest is a national film competition, with competitors making music videos for unsigned bands with the hopes of winning 20 grand. This'll be a screening of the top ten submissions—including one by the NW Film Center's Andrew Warnecke!—and it'll be followed by some voting to determine which video's the best. Plus: DJ Beyonda! Plus: free beer! Plus: To get in, hit scionxpressfest.com/rsvp to get on the list. Holocene

The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada
I hate to say this kind of thing in print, and I rarely do, so maybe you'll forgive me: The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada is the closest thing to a perfect movie you'll ever find. (Justin Sanders) Fox Tower 10

, Cinetopia, Century Eastport 16, City Center 12

Transamerica
Transamerica—despite the buzz surrounding it—isn't so much a "transsexual movie" as it is something far less innovative: a totally conventional road movie. (Will Gardner) Regal Cinemas, etc

Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story
Okay, bear with me for a minute: This comedy is about a real novel, The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman—a 700-plus page behemoth written in the late 1700s, and supposedly the first post-modern novel. The film—which is actually about a bunch of people trying to film the "unfilmable" text—resembles, at times, an insider-y DVD behind-the-scenes extra: It has all the gossip, romance, and competition one would expect on a movie set. And it's awesome, every bit as farcical and naughty as the really old novel it's based on. (Amy Jenniges) Hollywood Theatre

Ultraviolet
Not screened for critics, this futuristic action flick stars genre go-to girl Milla Jovovich. The ads make it look like crap, but director Kurt Wimmer's last film—the direct to video Equilibrium, with Christian Bale—was a surprisingly solid sci-fi actioner. So yeah. We don't know. Milla is pretty, though. We know that. Regal Cinemas, etc

Visuals 3.06
PSU's Film and Music Festival, with "free popcorn for everyone!" Films, music, food, etc; PSU students/staff get in for free, everybody else is $3. Performances from Matress, Greta, and Kittenz. Fifth Avenue Cinemas

Waging a Living
I'm sure director Roger Weisberg wants to tug on my bleeding heartstrings with his documentary Waging a Living, which chronicles the lives of four people struggling to make ends meet on incredibly low-wage jobs. He showcases one woman, for example, who finally gets a small raise—prompting the government to dramatically slash her benefits and set her even further back. But instead of making me all weepy, the documentary unearthed my inner conservative. Obviously, employers should be paying livable wages—but instead of getting riled up about that issue, I found myself throwing things at the screen and yelling about birth control: All four people profiled had several kids to support on one meager income. One woman's the sole supporter of her three children, plus she cares for her eldest daughter's four youngsters—on an $11 an hour job. (Hello! Stop having kids!) Had Weisberg added a childless singleton or couple—or simply discussed the effects that parenthood has on poverty—Waging would be far more nuanced and compelling. (Amy Jenniges) Clinton Street Theater

Why We Fight
A film about the United States "military industrial complex" in the context of 9/11 and the Iraq War. Awww—another one? I expected yet one more tedious indie-media style documentary, or a semi-hysterical rant, á la Michael Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11. At the very least, I prepared to spend 98 minutes getting hit over the head with a dissection of Bush's march into Iraq. I was wrong. (Amy Jenniges) Fox Tower 10

, Cinetopia

The World's Fastest Indian
This movie's boring. That's the first thing you need to know. But once you accept the fact that you're not gonna see any hot tits or gushing blood geysers or flashy CG, this two-hour depiction of motorcycle legend Burt Munro's underdoggy style is fucking awesome. (Adam Gnade) Cinetopia

, City Center 12, Fox Tower 10