Poseidon Maybe my fat will keep me buoyant.

The best thing about watching someone drown on TV or in the movies is holding your breath along with them. Take for example, illusionist David Blaine who just last week tried to break the world record for holding one's breath while sitting in a big fishbowl of pee. He ended up falling about two minutes short of achieving his goal—and then cried like a little baby afterward. EMBARRASSING. I held my breath along with him, and though I was only able to last for three minutes and 24 seconds, at least I was able to retain my dignity by not smelling like pee.

There's also a LOT of breath holding in the completely unnecessary remake of 1972's The Poseidon Adventure, this time shortened to simply Poseidon. Like the original, a massive luxury liner is sailing along minding its own business when WHAMMO! The boat is cold-cocked by a rogue wave. This is especially alarming to the failed TV and B-movie actors on board who find themselves bonking their heads when the ship flips upside-down. While most of the surviving passengers decide to bide their time in the main ballroom, awaiting rescue, a splinter group of passengers headed up by a gambler (Josh Lucas) and a former NYC mayor and firefighter (a porky Kurt Russell) attempt a long, dangerous climb through fire and water to the bottom of the ship in order to make their escape.

Now, if you like watching people bonk their heads and drown for 90 minutes, then stop reading now, race to the theater, stuff your fat face with popcorn, and enjoy the shit out of Poseidon. If you're still undecided, read on.

In Poseidon's favor, it has fairly impressive money shots—including the ship being capsized by a wave so large it blots out the moon. It also has some delightfully gratuitous grossness, like Kurt Russell popping out from under a pile of dead bodies. And, as mentioned earlier, it has a LOT of opportunities for you to hold your breath while watching chicks in evening gowns frantically swim underwater for 200 yards.

However, what's really missing is what the original had in abundance—good ol' fashioned character development. Yes, I CARED about atheist priest Gene Hackman regaining his faith in humanity. Yes, I CARED about fat Shelley Winters surprising everyone with her swimming skills, and yes, I CARED that each person was somehow flawed and could only achieve salvation through acts of selflessness. In Poseidon, there's no reason to think or care—but at least there are plenty of opportunities to hold your breath.