Firewall “Whoa! Look! A WALL! Of FIRE!”

Firewall dir. Loncraine Opens Fri Feb 10 Various Theaters

So Harrison Ford makes security systems for a big bank, and even though he seems kind of unlikable—remember how he was in What Lies Beneath?—he's really a nice family guy, like he turned out to be in Regarding Henry. But since foreigners are always up to no good, like in Air Force One, soon Harrison's family (even his dog!) are taken hostage by a nefarious limey (Paul Bettany) who coerces Harrison into robbing the bank! So Harrison starts growling things like "I want to know why you're doing this, and I want to know now!" and "I'm done talking!" and "I'm gonna find my dog!" Harrison also has to save his family, like in Patriot Games, but since he's getting old, he can't only use Clear and Present Danger-style fisticuffs—so he also relies on his wits, like he did in Presumed Innocent (luckily, he gets some help from a clever secretary, just like he did in Working Girl). Too bad for Harrison that he can't go to the cops, because the bad guys have framed him for a crime he didn't commit—just like in The Fugitive! ERIK HENRIKSEN

The Pink Panther dir. Levy Opens Fri Feb 10 Various Theaters

Here's a new rule: Anyone who has the audacity to attempt a remake of a cinematic classic gets points automatically deducted from the outset. Or better yet, they should be taxed. That way, the remake not only has to be as good as the original in order to be a real moneymaker—it has to be even better. I wish these restrictions had been placed on the new Pink Panther, starring a woefully outclassed Steve Martin. If you haven't seen the originals, Blake Edwards' series (starring Peter Sellers) is a magical combo platter of droll humor and slapstick genius. The new version is a pale, clunky impersonation from a director (Shawn Levy) who's most famous for failed TV shows and Cheaper by the Dozen. And while it's still possible for Steve Martin to be occasionally funny (check out his latest Saturday Night Live appearance), he's just not very adept at the physical comedy required for the role. Besides, the comedy that's here is fourth-grade juvenilia that depends primarily on fart sounds to reach its intended audience—i.e., ill-educated suburban dolts who loved Cheaper by the Dozen 2. That's not you, right? So save your money, and write your congressperson today to show your support of the new "Tax the Shit Out of Crappy-Ass Hollywood Remakes" Bill. WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY

Imagine Me & You dir. Parker Opens Fri Feb 10 Various Theaters

A film that attempts to put a contemporary twist on the romantic comedy template, Imagine Me & You's central romance is between—gasp!—two women. An otherwise cookie-cutter love triangle ensues when Rachel (Piper Perabo) is walking down the aisle to marry Heck (Matthew Goode) and she catches the eye of Luce (Lena Headey). With one glance, the two find love at first sight—and off we go into a romantic comedy that hangs its entire identity on the fact that it features lesbians. (Never mind that they're both statuesque brunettes who look eerily alike, and that the two would be more appropriate for a fakey girl-on-girl spread in High Society than as believable onscreen lovers.)

The film's among the more trite romantic comedies in recent memory, but it keeps the extremity of lame lesbian jokes down to a smaller minimum than expected, focusing on a non-gender-specific soul mate philosophy. Goode, as the jilted husband, is by far the most sympathetic character in the film, and Anthony Head, as his incorrigible bachelor friend, is passable. In short, if you like cheesy romance comedies, but would rather see it with lesbians, here you are. Everything else is the same. MARJORIE SKINNER