Jason X
dir. Isaac
Opens Fri, April 26
Various Theaters

Like a particularly bad case of genital herpes, the hockey mask-wearing, machete-waving Jason Voorhees (of the Friday the 13th series) returns for yet another cinematic bloodbath. And if the thought of genital herpes is enough to turn your stomach, please turn to another section of this week's Portland Mercury--'cause it ain't gonna get any prettier.

Though I can't remember asking for a tenth installment of Friday the 13th, since when does anyone who wants to make a quick buck ever listen to what I say anyway? At least the people behind Jason X have what appears to be the beginnings of a sense of humor, which makes what could have been a terrible movie into a terrible movie that (hey!) ain't so bad.

After a team of government scientists finally figure out that after nine movies you can't just kill the infamous Jason, they throw their hands up and cryogenically freeze his ass until they can think of something better. Naturally, Jason isn't going down alone, so after hack-hack-hacking up everyone else in the facility, he finds himself frozen alongside a sexy, sexy researcher. Next thing you know Did someone forget to set the alarm? Because it's 450 years later!! Lucky Jason wakes up on a spaceship filled with hot 'n' horny teenage scientists--and as we all know, if there's one thing Jason loves more than killing dumb kids who are having premarital sex, it's killing smart kids who are having premarital sex!

Unfortunately, the only difference between this outing and the other nine movies, is that Jason is dissecting teens on the starship Enterprise--that is, until the last half-hour of the flick. That's when the filmmakers decide to stop boring us with the seen-it-all-before hack and slash, and freshen up the plot with winks to Aliens, Star Trek, The Terminator, and a laugh-out-loud jab at the original Friday the 13th movie. And I know you won't believe it, but Jason X actually has an ending that's satisfying. Of course, that doesn't excuse the first hour, which is crap.

But, come on, it's JASON! What did you expect?