And now, for the final installment of the Mercury's ode to magical crap we love! This week: made-for-TV magical crap! And Dragonheart.
• The Tenth Kingdom (2000)—Okay, so this shit is seven hours long. And since I don't like to be awake for more than 10 hours on any given weekend, I really only got through disc one. But ohhhh, was it special! First of all, Ed O'Neill plays a sort of gutterpunk troll whose favorite comeback is "Suck an elf!" Second of all, the line "This is a very special kind of dog. This is a magical dog!" changed my life forever. And third of all, John fucking Larroquette!!! Also, a hot wolfman tells Kimberly Williams, "You have succulent breasts" (which hardly seems appropriate for a kids' movie), and I heard that Rutger Hauer makes an appearance somewhere in hour four. Thank god. But anyway, zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
• Merlin (1998)— Obviously, Sam Neill's mullet is the big star of this dark, grimy, three-hour Merlin biopic. But have you considered Martin Short's winning turn as Frik, the half-goblin/half-Ben-Stiller magician? If not, perhaps you should revisit the scene in which he turns into a slanty-eyed, horse-toothed, sing-song, ching-chong CHINAMAN, and says, "Forrow me! Forrow me!" Other special features include: Merlin's super-tough battle hat, Morgan le Fay's janky eyeball and speech impediment ("That's weal magic! Not twicks!"), and Rutger Hauer (again!). But yeah, mostly it's about the mullet.
• Merlin's Apprentice (2006)—A good way to make a sequel is to throw out everything that happened in the first movie, add some beards, and subtract Rutger Hauer, and then kill off the hero halfway through. Oh wait, PSYCHE! This movie can suck my mystical wizard staff.
• Dragonheart (1996)—I really, really don't like a dragon with sass. It's just undignified. I don't want a dragon to make a joke. I don't want a dragon to look at some delicious sheep and then say, "Well helleeeew" all Sean-Connery-seductive-like. I don't want a dragon to blow fire out of its nostril on to Dennis Quaid's dinner and then ask if he likes it well done. And in conclusion, David Thewlis is the least attractive man on the planet.