Is it just me, or are people always using movies to make you think they're sensitive? "Oh, did you see that film? It was so good! It made me cry." The one thing I've learned from this is that tears are the best gauge of cinematic quality--the more a movie makes you cry, the better it is. So get ready to count up your tears--here are the cryingest movies of all time.

- Bambi (1942) Most children get their first exposure to death through this animated woodland holocaust. No child is prepared to wrestle with the infuriating truth of impermanence--how could they not cry? I've been crying about it for 16 years now. And you?

- Lan Yu (2001) The saddest Chinese homosexual love story of all time. A prosperous and emotionally paralyzed businessman (Jun Hu) showers a young lover (Ye Liu) with money, but their relationship becomes more and more psychologically twisted as the older man is only able to express his love through his wallet. Then his lover dies. I cried through the entire movie, and then afterward, I found out the movie was based on an e-book--which made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe.

- Big Daddy (1999) Most people today have dysfunctional relationships with their fathers. As for the inept paternal charm of Adam Sandler, combined with the helpless vulnerability of his sandy-haired, orphaned "son"… well, it better make you cry, or I'll give you something to cry about.

- Shrek (2001) The devastating confusion of interpersonal communication resonates in this emotional tale of an ogre, a princess, and their ill-fated love. You're supposed to cry when they almost break up. (I did, because you don't know if they're going to get back together, and uncertainty really yanks my heartstrings.) Thankfully, they get back together in the end, and boy, what a relief that is. In fact, it's enough of a relief to make you cry a second time--out of happiness.