Roland Emmerich has been making godawful blockbusters for over 15 years. His latest, 10,000 B.C., takes place in "a mythical age of prophecies and gods, when spirits rule the land and mighty mammoths shake the earth." Despite the loftiness of that description, 10,000 B.C. wasn't screened in time for press. Hit portlandmercury.com on Friday for our review; in the meantime, delve into Emmerich's embarrassing canon.
Universal Soldier (1992)—A movie about zombie soldiers starring Jean-Claude Van Damme is fine, but Emmerich also included Law & Order's beloved Jerry Orbach. On his deathbed in 2004, Orbach gasped, "I led a full and gratifying life, rich with love, art, and discovery. I ask only that you forgive me for Universal Soldier."
Stargate (1994)—A bewildering sci-fi fantasy that had something to do with ancient Egypt and featured that squirrelly little shit James Spader. Stargate later spawned Stargate SG-1, a syndicated television show that, for 10 seasons, has inspired me to drink alone and make detailed diagrams of the many mistakes I've made in life.
Independence Day (1996)—A drunken hillbilly blowing up an alien mothership? Eat that, Citizen Kane! If I ever meet Roland Emmerich in a dark alley, I will stab him.
Godzilla (1998)—Ferris Bueller vs. Godzilla! And Godzilla's babies! If you or someone you know can trick Roland Emmerich into going into a dark alley, please email me at email@example.com.
The Patriot (2000)—I'm no scientist, but I'm pretty sure there's a connection between Heath Ledger dying in The Patriot and Heath Ledger dying in real life. Thanks, Emmerich! Asshole.
The Day After Tomorrow(2004)—Things that are scary in real life—depression, bankruptcy, watching 10 seasons' worth of Stargate SG-1—are not scary in movies. So we learned with this global warming fright flick, which also featured Dick Cheney, CG wolves trying to eat Jake Gyllenhaal, and the phrase "I think we've hit a critical desalinization point!" Weird how sometimes you can type nothing but random words, yet end up with a totally accurate film synopsis.