Reign of Fire
dir. Bowman
Opens Fri July 12
Various Theaters

Excuse me but did someone order a dragon? Because we have this movie, Reign of Fire, which is about dragons and nobody I know gives a crap about dragons. And I know a lot of people, too. I even know a few D&D nerds, and they don't give a crap about dragons. So why in the world would a studio waste their time, and more importantly, MONEY, on a dragon movie?

Maybe they were thinking about when they were kids, and they saw that Disney movie, Pete's Dragon, where a silly cartoon dragon makes friends with a real-life orphan. And they started thinking that sometimes, even though they're adults, they feel lonely too--and so they wanted to make a friendly dragon movie. But then, all their "normal" friends started laughing at them because nobody has the slightest interest in dragons, and they really freaked out, because they had already dropped a few million into pre-production costs.

And so they said, "OMIGOD! OMIGOD! What are we going to do? We're going to be a laughingstock!" Then they said, "Wait I've got it! We'll make the dragons really mean! And instead of picking flowers and falling on their butt, they'll wipe out everybody on earth except for Matthew McConaughey!"

At least that's what I figure must have happened, because this is one useless movie. It's the year 2020, and instead of picking flowers and falling on their butt, a brood of flying dragons have burnt most of the human population to a bunch of crispy bits. Christian Bale (American Psycho) stars as a limey wuss who hides out in a castle along with a bunch of other limey wusses, until an AMERICAN comes along (McConaughey) and teaches them how to FIGHT. And that's pretty much it.

The good points: The cinematography is okay, there are a couple of laughs, and McConaughey is built like a brick shithouse. The bad points: EVERYTHING ELSE. It can't decide whether it's Godzilla, Apocalypse Now, or Excalibur, and it has even less of a plot than Pete's Dragon. So once again WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?