During this new abortion of a movie, Just Friends, I was shocked at how many times a PG-13 film could use the word "pussy." In less exciting news, here's a brief synopsis: Chris (Ryan Reynolds) is a big pussy who, in high school, used to be fat. Now his job is to babysit a bitchy teen recording idol, and when the two of them are forced to spend Christmas with Chris's stupid mother, the once-fat pussy realizes that his old high school friend Samantha (Anna Faris) is the only girl he's ever loved.

Just Friend's main selling point is seeing Ryan Reynolds in a fat suit. (Reynolds, by the way, isn't a bad actor—just one who can't choose a good script to save his life.) When the producers of Friends were in dire need of a cheap laugh from obese America, they knew to stick Courteney Cox in a latex balloon—but Just Friends misses the gist, and we only see Chris looking like the Klumps' cracker cousin for about 10 percent of the movie. The other 90 percent is like watching a Friday night sitcom that never ends: Chris, now a total stud-muffin, tries to woo Samantha, who not only sees Chris as a former lardass, but as a completely ineffectual—you got it—pussy. The harder Chris tries, the bigger of a douchebag he seems, and so the movie goes... and goes... and goes. (The only bright parts of the movie—totaling about 50 seconds—involve the relationship with Chris and his little brother, who tells him straight up, "You'll always be fat to me, Chris.") It would be funnier to go to your local food court and watch all the high school fatties, realizing that none of them have smoking hot best friends, as this movie wants you to believe they do.