The Mechanical Bull

The Mercury is in desperate need of a mechanical bull. Why? I dunno, we just want one. It's all we can talk about, and it's getting harder to accomplish the daily business of running a newspaper when all we can think about is mechanical bulls. Yes, we've looked on eBay and could only find one offered by a crook who wanted $13,000. $13 Gs?? It's a mechanical bull for chrissakes, not a Faberge egg! Anyway, if you have a line on where we can get a reasonably priced mechanical bull, please email us at lovenotes@portlandmercury.com. Until then, enjoy these fine movies that feature mechanical bulls.

Urban Cowboy (1980)--Obvious, maybe, but still the best mechanical bull movie. John Travolta stars as farmer who moves to Houston and starts hanging out at a bar where he proves his manhood by boning Debra Winger and showing off on the MECHANICAL BULL. But forget the plot! It's the unintentional hilarity of Travolta's marbles-in-the-mouth accent, and a bunch of washed-up losers riding a bucking bucket of bolts in a sorry-ass attempt to regain their Texas cowpoke "heritage" that really makes this movie shine.

• Stir Crazy (1980)--In Gene Wilder and Richard Pryor's second teaming as a comedy duo, the pair find themselves in deep doo-doo when they're incarcerated for a crime they didn't commit. However, Gene's natural abilities on the MECHANICAL BULL (which every state prison should have, don'tcha think?) catches the eye of the evil warden, who recruits him for the local rodeo, which in turn sets the stage for a laff-filled prison break!

Out Cold (2001)--Snowboarder dudes hit the roof after learning mogul Lee Majors plans on paving over their favorite ski spot. So what do they do about it? They get loaded, hit each other in the crotch, get molested by a polar bear, get their private parts stuck in a hot tub drain, stab themselves with a knife, and (finally) tape their friend to a MECHANICAL BULL. (Well, you knew there had to be some reason to watch this stupid movie, didn't you?)