Ever wonder what the Commies are up to while the U.S.A. is busy wringing their hands over the Middle East? Planning a full-scale invasion, that's what! Before you know it, our freedoms will be flushed down the toilet, and we'll be standing in line for bread and buying our jeans off black-market hoodlums! And it only gets worse from there... Don't believe it? Check out these examples of Ivan in our own backyard.

• Red Dawn (1984)--It's a normal day in the American heartland... until Commie pinkos parachute in and take over a small town! And while the adults cower in subservience, Patrick Swayze steals a squirrel rifle and turns a high-school pack of toughs into a crack guerrilla fighting force. Best moments: '80s heart-throb C. Thomas Howell chugging deer's blood, and Harry Dean Stanton almost blowing the kids' cover by wailing from inside the prison camp, "Avenge Me, Son!! AVEEEEENGE MEEEEEEEEEE!!"

• The Commies are Coming! The Commies are Coming! (1962)--Also known as Red Nightmare and Freedom and You, this campy gem is presented by the Department of Defense (Rah! Rah!) and narrated by Dragnet's star-with-the-stick-up-his-ass, Jack Webb. In this wagging finger of a film, a typical American father is shown taking his precious freedoms for granted. But when the Commies make the scene? From there it's all bread lines and a big bowl of borscht, comrade!

Invasion, U.S.A. (1952)--Though there's a Chuck Norris flick by the same name (where Commies invade Florida in a futile attempt to take over our condos), check out the 1952 model. A weirdo fortune-teller/hypnotist gives a group of bar patrons the heebie-jeebies about pinko infiltration, and then... it actually happens! Ka-BOOM! Commies drop an A-bomb on Pacific Northwest airstrips! Ka-BOOM! The Soviets wipe out New York City! Ka-BOOM! Montana is decimated by a nuclear strike! (Huh???) Regardless, this cautionary tale explains why it's so important to give the war machine 80 percent of our paychecks. Freedom can really be expensive! WM. STEVEN HUMPHREY