musician boyfriends

There's nothing like watching a man perform on stage, and no other occupation seems to provoke such wild, willing compromises of dignified female conduct. For many, the fuckability rating skyrockets when a guy picks up a guitar. Against stiff competition, snagging a musician boyfriend can make you feel special, getting backstage "with the band," and dangling on his arm. He might even let you play tambourine, or at least jangle his keys! But one word of caution: do not read his tour diary--it might just get pornographic.

• Almost Famous (2000)--Starting off with an easy one, this film gives a gentle depiction of on-the-road shenanigans, in which the groupies claim to be there "because of the music," and giving "blowjobs only." Kate Hudson is cute, intent on developing an emotional connection, and therefore extremely threatening to the good old girl back home. Nonetheless, homeboy still sells her ass for fifty bucks and a case of beer, after which she sweetly wipes the tears and asks, "What kind of beer?" Awww... beat it, wench!

• DJ Groupie (2001)--Those boys are so getting more than blowjobs. However, as this pornographic classic indicates, when it comes to a DJ, his beats might encourage frenzied acts of exhibitionist lesbianism and provide the soundtrack for enormous orgies--but in actuality, he's kind of stuck. Most of the DJs in this film are limited to showing their excitement by raising their own sad little roof, alone in their booth, missing all the fun. But if dude looks good wearing only bug-eye shades, there's apparently a market for weird, sunglassed sex.

• Backstage Sluts #3 (2000)--It'd be loony to get involved with guys like the ones in this "documentary-style" porno. It's a film that hopefully makes your own wayward cocksman look like a kitty cat. Meatheads from shitty bands like Papa Roach and Society 1 spend every offstage moment dicking someone's something. Women are passed around like entrees in an Ethiopian restaurant, or stood up facing a wall so guys can throw sliced deli meat at them, trying to make it stick. See, he ain't that bad, right? RIGHT?! MARJORIE SKINNER