our lord and zombie

Easter's nearly here, and every year the Christian contingency reminds us that Christ got up and walked out of his tomb after being crucified. This event is celebrated by eating his flesh and drinking his blood, among other things. Therefore, according to the Laws of Horror, I contend that Jesus is a zombie. Further, that his followers are his zombie cohorts. By all rights, Jesus' real last supper would've consisted of the brains and guts of his disciples, and possibly those of his mom and that hooker with the same name as his mom. Spend Easter wondering, "What would Jesus do?" with these possibilities.

• The Serpent and the Rainbow (1988)--Based on actual events, voodoo terror issues forth from creep king Wes Craven. While greedily seeking "zombie powder" for a multinational pharmaceutical company, scientist Dennis Allen (Bill Pullman) discovers a Haiti far beyond his worst nightmares. The corrupt secret police are turning dissenters into zombies and driving nails through their scrotums. Yup, sounds like the Bush regime.

• The Resurrected (1992)--Dan O'Bannon directs this close adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft's classic The Case of Charles Dexter Ward. In true Lovecraft form, this film is a sleepy detective story until nearly the end, when a twisting plot of unspeakable, macabre magic unleashes its unholy maw of bloodlust and sickness. The dying-flashlight-in-the-catacombs scene will make you shit your pants.

• Zombie (1979)--Conceptually filmed as a sequel to the Romero classic Dawn of the Dead, Italian horror master Lucio Fulci proves once and for all that Italian horror is the most goretastic, visceral horror of them all. This delightful bloodbath includes an underwater shark vs. zombie battle, a graphic eyeball impaling, and more torn-out jugulars than you can shake a diminishing torch at. All of this is filmed in breathtaking letterbox with swooping Italia-centric synth/zombie music. Jesus would be proud. LANCE CHESS