oh, you horrible gay!

We gays have this reputation of being the nicest people on earth, as if we were a completely innocuous population of blissed-out, rainbow-toting caricatures. But where are the MEAN GAYS? Usually daintily swept under the rug, for no one to see. Except of course... in the movies!

• Circuit (2001)--Former Playgirl centerfold Dirk Shafer directs this piece of gay club fluff, about John, a "nice" country boy who descends into the seedy world of the LA club circuit scene after meeting one of the meanest screen gays ever, Hector (Andre Khabazzi). Hector is the epitome of gay porn-induced body mutilation, having butt, pec, and cheek implants to make him more "beautiful." In my favorite scene, he quiets John's chirpy, straight gal-pal by saying with a glare that he hates woman and ugly people and she happens to be both.

• Heavenly Creatures (1994)--These young lesbos wouldn't have resorted to murder if people had just left them alone, but alas--this was not the case. A young Kate Winslet and cherub Melanie Lynskey dazzle as the ill-fated lovers in this true story of budding New Zealand dykes Juliet Hulme and Pauline Rieper, who go cuckoo and kill one of their moms in one of the most grisly on-screen murders ever! Peter Jackson of current Lord of the Rings fame directs with style.

• Total Eclipse (1995)--The torrid love affair between 19th century poets, Arthur Rimbaud (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Paul Verlaine (David Thewlis) is masterfully presented by director Agnieszka Holland (Europa, Europa) and writer Christopher Hampton (The Quiet American). Their love is steeped in bitter vitriol and absinthe, with Thewlis ripping up the screen, presenting Verlaine as a mean, nasty, bitter old man who is so jealous of Rimbaud's talent that he has to get fucked by him every chance he gets. There are scenes of tenderness coupled with stabbings and shootings... sounds like me and my b.f. BRIAN BRAIT

hey mean gays!

There's still time to enter the Portland's "Meanest Gay" essay contest. See page 14 for details!