Problem: Most "horror" films--Scream, Nightmare on Elm Street, Under the Tuscan Sun-- are so formulaic there's no way they can be scary. Instead, check out some stuff that was never meant to be terrifying, but ends up being creepy as hell anyway.
- E.T. (1982)--Think this is a sweet story about intergalactic friendship? Wrong! Spielberg unveils an alien that's more terrifying than anything H.R. Geiger or M. Night Shyamalan could ever conjure up--the goddamn thing looks like a shit-covered, deformed circus midget, has a telescoping neck, lets out these inhuman screams, and cannot be killed. Kill it, Elliott! Fucking kill it!
- The Care Bears in the Land Without Feelings (1983)--When Kevin wanders into the Land Without Feelings, he's imprisoned in Coldheart Castle by the cold-hearted Professor Coldheart! The only thing more disturbing than Professor Coldheart's psychotronic musical number is the fact that the Care Bears decide to swarm down from their fortress in the clouds to save Kevin (who's probably just having a bout of childhood depression). The saccharine bastards use their über-creepy Care Bear Stare, brainwash Kevin with some "Don't ever feel sad" bullshit, then return to the clouds, content to reign from above.
- Bibleman: Lead Us Not Into Temptation (2001)--You know who are scary? Christians! And ain't nobody more Christian than Bibleman! When Bibleman (Willie Aames, of Eight is Enough and Charles in Charge) discovers that a little girl who recently converted to Christianity wants to hang out with her non-Christian friend, he grabs his Sword of the Spirit and kills--yep, kills--those responsible for luring the girl back to her heathen pal. (The godless friend later gets converted to Christ at the "Aames Youth Club.") If this shameless piece of propaganda doesn't scare the shit out of you, you're less than human. ERIK HENRIKSEN