I Still Love You, Damn It!

The enchantress Sandra Bernhard will freak Puddletown for two nights this week. The undisputed master of overt disdain, Sandra's pouty lips have driven us wild for more than 25 years--so whether or not you see Miss B's show, put these must-see features on your rental queue. Then she can freak your house any night of the week, honey.

- Hudson Hawk (1991)--HH is famous for completely bombing at the box office. With Bruce Willis and Danny Aiello as singing thieves who get ensnared in a plot to take over the world, it's definitely on the quirky side. But Sandy and Richard E. Grant crack this shit up as Minerva and Darwin Mayflower, the folks attempting world domination. They play off each other with wall-chewing zaniness, which elevates the film into the stratosphere of cult-classic rewatchabliity. The funny thing is, I always end up hoping Minerva and Darwin win in the end. Which gives me an idea: Bernhard for Prez??!!

- Inside Monkey Zetterland (1993)--A stellar cast (Patricia Arquette, Sofia Coppola, Rupert Everett, Katherine Helmond, Ricki Lake, Debi Mazar, Martha Plimpton) interacts with kooky-boots Monkey (Steven Antin) as he attempts to get his screenplay about mass transit in LA produced. Though the plot is hardly present, the menagerie of characters--including Bernhard as a woman who insists on giving Monkey photocopies of her naked feet--paint an oddly deft portrait of a surreal/real Los Angeles, and the crazies who inhabit it. I wonder if you can buy those photocopies on eBay?

- I'm Still Here Damn It! (1999)--The concert movie that made being a VERY pregnant lesbian telling dirty jokes tres chic. SeriouslyÉ pregnant lesbians in transparent evening gowns were rattling tin cups and telling me to go fuck myself for months after this made-for-HBO cabaret hit the small screen. Ms. B sings standards, tells stories, and makes revealing statements about fake people. Referring to the waifish pop tarts infecting today's music industry, she rants, "Women like Joni Mitchell, Pat Benetar, and Joan Jett created the road! There was no road before them! They did things that would break those little bitches in half!" You tell 'em, Sandra! BRIAN BRAIT