Pirates of the Caribbean Shiver me timbers, walk the plank, etc.

A big part of life is dealing with people, and a big part of dealing with people is figuring out who's an asshole and who's not. Doing this can be pretty tricky, requiring tedious dialogue and careful observation. Or you can use my "Are You an Asshole?" Test: Just ask people if they liked Pirates of the Caribbean.

Swear to god, it's fucking dead on: Those who respond with a sneered "Excuse me?" are pompous, superior, miserable pricks. Those who answer "Yeah! That movie was awesome!" are the people who like to have fun at movies—who are the same people who like to have fun in real life, who are the same people who aren't assholes.

Granted, the first Pirates was a retarded fluke: Who the hell greenlights a film based on a crappy Disneyland ride and starring Johnny Depp as a fey pirate? But with the blockbuster-makin' skills of producer Jerry Bruckheimer, a great performance by Depp, and fast-paced direction by Gore Verbinski, Pirates became one of the most enjoyable flicks of 2003.

But yes, it was a Disney picture—which means here we are with the inevitable sequel, Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. (And if we're going to get picky, it's really only half the inevitable sequel: Ending with a fairly cruel cliffhanger, Dead Man's Chest largely just sets up the third Pirates, due out next year.) Second verse, same as the first: This is big, messy, loud, nonsensical, pretty, fast, and fun stuff. There's some clunkiness in the first act—for some reason, screenwriters Ted Elliott and Terry Rossio seem to think they actually need a solid plot—but once that's dealt with, Verbinski gets to focus on the fun stuff, which mostly means Depp, who's back as Captain Jack Sparrow. (Returning alongside Depp are the boring Orlando Bloom and the boring-but-ridiculously-hot Keira Knightley.)

More importantly, though: There's a fucking awesome giant sea monster! And: There are undead pirates who sail underneath the waves, who—thanks to some pretty amazing CG and make-up—have physically melded with creepy sea creatures. And: Ludicrous, Looney Tunes-worthy action sequences, Depp's inimitable charm, and a balls-out, near-perfect mix of action and comedy. Yeah, not all of it works, but that's kind of the point. When they're done right, big, messy summer blockbusters justify their massive budgets, their inescapable promotional frenzies, and their infinite sequels. And Dead Man's Chest is definitely done right. Well, unless you're an asshole.