UNSPEAKABLE Surely Satan can do better.
Mr. Deeds
dir. Brill
Opens Fri June 28
Various Theaters

dir. Rokoff
Opens Fri June 28
Clinton Street Theater

At first look, you might think Unspeakable: The Life and Art of Reverend Steven Johnson Leyba (a documentary about a reverend for the Church of Satan), and Mr. Deeds, (a high-budget Adam Sandler comedy) might have nothing in common. However, after further investigation, you'll realize that nothing could be further from the truth. The fact is, both Steven and Adam have both sold their souls to the devil.

Okay. The Reverend Steven Johnson is an comic book geek guy who lives in San Francisco. Awhile back, he read The Satanic Bible (or rather the Bible of Socially Inept Goths) written by Anton LaVey, who he met and worshipped, and who ordained him as a Reverend of the Church of Satan. While no church building is ever shown in the film, Steven practices his shaky religion by collecting bloody tampons, preaching about the evils of corporate America while waving a giant dildo, wearing high heels, drinking blood and piss, and cutting himself. He and his retarded loser "nobody-likes-me" friends sit around carving Satan stars into each other, saying "fuck" every five seconds, and contradicting their ridiculous Satanic credo every other minute.

The Reverend's most famous horrah is the Apache Whiskey Rite, where he avenges his Native American ancestors by having his girlfriend fuck him in the ass, on stage, with a Jack Daniel's bottle. He proclaims that alcohol has destroyed the Native Americans, yet in every scene is enjoying a Budweiser or glass of wine. Hey, at least corporate America makes good beer.

On the other hand, Steven spends his countless hours of free time making art that is actually pretty good. Then he ruins it by smearing his own cum, shit, or blood onto his creations. He also attempts to patch together a religion based on people "indulging in their natural desires" (as opposed to suppressing them as in Christianity). However, his supposed "natural desires" are anything but. Fuck a dog if you want, but please don't justify it by calling it a "natural desire."

In short, Steven is just this gross freak who wants validation and to suck other confused Columbine-type kids into his cesspool of mediocrity, contradiction, and self-mutilation. Great. Just what America needs. He is obviously under the influence of Satan, because I know no other force that could create a person more annoying, pathetic, and worthless.

Why anyone would make a documentary about this person, I don't know, but they've obviously been pulled in by his Satanic idiot gamma ray. The only redeeming aspect of this film is when Steven's drunk stepdad looks at his artwork and says, "I just don't understand why you had to put that pussy in there."

Which brings us to Mr. Deeds Adam Sandler, a once hilarious, sheepish, seemingly down to earth comedian is now a possessed Hollywood sellout. Making 25 billion dollars a film, you think Sandler could do something good with his money, like make a movie that's actually funny. But, influenced by the plastic, me-before-all Hollywood attitude (and of course, the dark lord), he stars in crap after crap like Mr. Deeds. The only thing that makes this plot-thin atrocity tolerable is the violent physical humor Sandler relied upon in Happy Gilmore and John Turturro, who may also be brainwashed, because I have no idea what he's doing here.

By looking out for number one, Sandler is systematically dumbing down an entire population of his loyal followers. (Ah ha. I spy Satan!) From the goofy humor of Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore, the quality of Sandler's films has slowly degenerated, causing a gradual reduction in audience intelligence from film to film. What was once goofy humor is now a phoned-in baby voice that people have been tricked into finding funny. It's atrocious.

I implore you, populace: Do not be tricked. These men are pure evil and these films suck ass.