TERMINATOR 3 “Vote for me, asshole.”
Terminator 3

dir. Mostow

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You know, I'm okay with product placement. And I'm okay with ads before movies. I'm even okay with ads disguised as movies. But I'll be damned if I'm going to stand for movies that are in actuality PAID POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENTS.

You've heard that Arnold Schwarz-enegger is interested in running for the governorship of California, right? Well, good luck to him! Those fuckers in California deserve whatever they get, and they certainly deserve a leader who's a steroid-addled, failed actor with a daddy who was a member of the Nazi party (I know this because I read it in the Parade magazine). So the way I see it, if this muscle-bound Krautsie wants to run for office in Crapifornia, let him. BUT! I would appreciate it if he didn't cram his political platform down my throat, and the throats of other Americans, in the form of Terminator 3: The Rise of the Machines.

Sure, the political message starts out subtly enough; John Connor (Nick Stahl), who we all remember as the freedom fighter who will eventually defeat the robot invaders of the future, is currently an insecure loser with no sense of direction. (Kind of like California's economy--right, Arnie?) Trouble comes in the guise of a hotsy blonde Terminatrix (Kristanna Loken, aka "The Liberal Lobbyist") whose mission is to destroy any hope of future leadership. This includes John's eventual wife and second-in-command Claire Danes, who I think is supposed to represent Hillary Clinton, because they have the same haircut. (But that doesn't make any sense, does it?) Anyway Arnie drops in from the future, steals clothes from a gay stripper (this doesn't need any interpretation), and eventually sacrifices his own life (as an actor) to destroy the Liberal lobbyist, and allow a ruined California to arise from the ashes of its self-destruction.

So, while this film may work as a slightly overwrought allegory of governmental excess gone wrong, as a vehicle for entertainment it plain SUCKS. Every ounce of creativity was put into wrecking vehicles and blowing shit up, Stahl and Danes are mere window dressing, and Arnie has obviously stopped trying altogether. Say what you will about his lack of acting ability; in his past roles, he would at least put out a modicum of effort. Now, when he utters his textbook monosyllabic lines ("Get out." "I'll drive." "I'll be back."), one can almost see his mind drifting off to long, luxurious dinners entertaining heads of state in the Governor's mansion.

Want to help Schwarzy get elected? Then pass on Terminator 3 and send your eight bucks straight to his campaign headquarters. Maybe he'll spend it on a fancy steak dinner and choke on it.